Donald J. Trump, in order to form a more perfect Himself, establish hegemony, ensure domestic income, provide for his defensive commonality, promote his general branding, and secure the blessings of griftery for himself and his brood, is running for President and needs a Veep.

We’ve all heard of the former Republican Prez hopefuls who themselves envision being the number two guy: Christie, Gingrich, the ever hopeful, ever clueless Ben Carson. These guys will never get to 1600 on their own. Therefore, their last chance to rule the free world is to sign on the ticket, to pray for Trump to catch lightning in a bottle, then to wait for the inevitable impeachment.

Then there are the more sane-seeming picks, like Bob Corker of Tennessee, or Joni Ernst of Iowa, Jeff Sessions of Ala-damn-bama and Mike Pence, Governor of Indiana. (Sane-seeming only in comparison, because each of them is a right wing loonitarian by any normal standard.)

But Corker and Ernst both excused themselves today, which is probably best for Hair Drumpf, because Corker being paraded onstage yesterday like a hostage was cringe-worthy, while Joni Hog-baller’s proclivities with a shears probably just make Trump cringe. Plus, the Donald has always been a boob man, so that gives Pence a definite advantage.

Through his behavior and temperament, Trump appears to be angling for the job where he gets to fly around on Air Force One, ruffles and flourishes accompanying his every step, as he opens President Trump International Golf Courses all around the globe. It’s exactly how he’s “running” his campaign, and appears to have been his business model from the start.

Further, not only have his surrogates gone on record saying he was looking for someone more experienced to do the actual work, but Donald Trump’s Big Big Life itself bespeaks a lazy work ethic where running his mouth is labor enough, dammit. It’s clear from the get-go: he wants to be the head of state, but not the head of government. He’ll have people for that, preferably family. Why else have all these kids unless you’re going to put them to work?

That’s what makes his Vice Presidential pick so important. This will be the actual guy actually running the actual country: the Prime Minister to His Purple Prosings Majesty. But, even as great a gig as this sounds (plus the added attraction of that impeachment thingie) anyone with an ounce of self-respect is running in the opposite direction except for Gingrich and Christie. That’s how poisonous Trump is and that’s the quality of character he’s attracting.

So think about this, then tell me where in Canada to forward your mail: President Trump running around the world. Chief of Staff Christie running the White House. Vice President Gingrich running the country.