This is Why Satire is Dead
Okay, so about a hundred of you sent this to me and since I’ve been busy lately I didn’t have time to look at it to see if you were lying when you said it wasn’t The Onion.
To be honest, I don’t trust you guys all that much.
I still would not bet my best pair of pink boots on this, but for the life of me I cannot find any reason not to believe it – especially since I have been to Woodland, North Carolina, to do politics. I had a couple of fights.
Putting in solar panels failed in Woodland by a vote of city council. They do not believe in abusing the sun in North Carolina. During the public comment section of the meeting, it got interesting.
[Jane Mann] is a retired Northampton science teacher and is concerned that photosynthesis, which depends upon sunlight, would not happen and would keep the plants from growing. She said she has observed areas near solar panels where the plants are brown and dead because they did not get enough sunlight.
That could happen. In fact, I saw it happen myself surrounding a rightwing tea party yard sign just 40 miles away from Woodland.
But Jane ain’t done.
She also questioned the high number of cancer deaths in the area, saying no one could tell her that solar panels didn’t cause cancer.
Yo, Jane! Over here! Look over here. Solar panels don’t cause cancer. You live in tobacco country. People openly smoke in public buildings.
Next comes Bobby Mann, who I suspect is related to Jane.
Bobby Mann said he watched communities dry up when I-95 came along and warned that would happen to Woodland because of the solar farms.
“You’re killing your town,” he said. “All the young people are going to move out.”
He said the solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun and businesses would not come to Woodland.
Yeah, you know, kinda like windmills use up all the wind.
Yep, those youngsters today just hate solar panels like the damn plague. They will pack their bags and leave the charming city of Woodland, with its vast intellectual and artistic opportunities.
I’ve been keeping score, y’all. The crazies are winning.
Thanks to everybody for the heads up.
Gee, I never knew solar panels attract sunlight. WOW!!!!!
1When it comes to human stupidity, there aint no such thing as TOO STUPID!!!
2I was sure it was the Onion but to my horror it is real. Sucking all the power out of the sun is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard except for the science teacher saying solar panels cause cancer.
The stupid, it burns.
3Are these the same people who decided to go explore the sun. The ones that decided that in order not to burn up they would make the approach at night.
41) There is loads of solar in North Carolina. I live here, and can attest to that…and I’ll show you up close and personal if you can visit. That and a good time!
2) I swear ‘fore God, there is NO smoking in public buildings in North Carolina…except at the two Harrah’s-run casinos on the Cherokee rez.
3) That said, we got plenty of stupid here. Jane retired to wherever Woodland is from Northampton, for example. Ummm…last time I checked on Northampton, it was in Massa-freaking-chusetts.
4) Sounds tome like Jane and Tarzan-Mann both are on Duke Energy’s troll payroll.
Period.
5These people breed and vote… that alone should scare the proverbial crap out of you.
6And just FYI: Don’t stand too close to me when I inhale. I breathe in all the oxygen for miles around.
7What kind of science did she teach?
8Diane, she taught pseudoscience…bahahaha.
My stars and garters, I pity her former students. What a moron.
9Diane, good question. Her “science” probably includes a flat Earth, dinosaurs roaming with snacilbupeR and any variety of non-verified factoids.
10You are REALLY ABSOLUTELY SURE this isn’t from the Onion?
11Why do I think Ted Cruz is really popular there?
12You know… they might be right… every time that they build a new Walmart nothing seems to grow on the parking lot… proof positive that we should ban new Walmarts for environmental reasons.
13Hilary, they was a’smokin’ when I went to campaign there about 4 years ago. Admittedly, this was in east North Carolina, where the brains thin out as the slide passed the research triangle.
I kind suspect Duke Energy myself.
14ROTFL all great comments!
15I know it’s the Onion because they didn’t even blame Obama or Muslims.
Ohferpete’ssake! They make my brain hurt, not a pain they would understand.
16JAKvirginia:
17I don’t think you have anything to worry about there. The residents of Woodland sound like they’re already accustomed to breathing low levels of oxygen.
Clearly breathing does not depend on IQ. Else Jane and her brother/husband Bobby would have suffocated years ago. Pity too.
18Science teacher has prolly already inked a lucrative deal with all wingnut candidates for the White House to be their paid science adviser and expert witless on sciency stuff.
19Micr, we could mandate that “written instructions for breathing” be posted in all restrooms. That should cull most of them from the herd.
20EEEEEEEEP! My grandson lives in North Carolina. I hope this kind of stupid doesn’t rub off.
21I just… I….
Nope, I got nothin’. That level of ignorance can be explained only by letting people like Jane Mann be science teachers. Which is a freaking abomination. I’m going to go somewhere else now so I don’t tear my computer monitor in half.
22Why am I not surprised this town is in North Carolina? I lived in the Charlotte area for five years back in the mid 90s, and while I met some great people, there were others who just made me shake my head in disbelief. Like the woman I worked with who was convinced that her son’s teacher made up the Mayans because she herself had never heard of them. NC may have some outstanding universities, but their elementary and secondary schools have failed to do their jobs for too many years.
23@PKM
I guess so. Evolution/natural selection is not culling fast enough.
I have threatened in the past to suggest applying Beefmaster Essentials to the human population, in particular the essential for disposition. I fell that threat coming on again!
24“solar farms would suck up all the energy from the sun and businesses would not come to Woodland.”
Businesses would not come to Woodland because there is no sign of intelligent life there.
25I saw a headline about this in The Independent online, a British newspaper. So they’re internationally ignorant. And quite possibly stupid, because ignorance can be fixed but I have serious doubts about these people.
26I have lived in Nawth Kaklacki and I can give you the story. There is an existing line of high voltage wires that runs through the area, the electric company is paying a lot of money to put solar farms where the old now non-productive tobacco farms are; however, they only want farms that can easily connect to the existing lines. So the locals are saying if I can’t get any money nobody gets any money. It’s the North Carolina way.
27This just in: South Carolina science teacher and anti solar panel spokesperson has been hired as Fox’s new science commenter. She might run for office is Ryan promises her the science committee.
28Can hear the cops now-are you sure you saw that solar panel sneak over your fence and steal your sunlight? What was it wearing? Did it threaten you in any way? Did you ask it to leave your sunlight alone? Did it bag your sunlight up and walk away with it?
29We personally harvest all our sunlight through our solar water heater. It’s in the back yard so nobody comes hunting for sunlight here. If they do, I just say, nope, none here. Try next door.
30The clever marketers can make hay while the sun shines. “Be the first on your block to soak up the sun.”
31I’m a bit unsure of this whole mess. I live not too far from a pretty large solar farm in NC and I don’t think it takes up too much of the sun stuff. It’s hotter then hell around there in the summer. There seems to be quite a bit of greenery nearby and a small freeway that seems to be doing just fine. It is kind of unsightly though, I give it that.
32The truly sad thing is that, despite the fact that only 2 nutjobs objected, the council voted it down.They must be just as stupid as the “pseudo science” teacher and the Mann from uckle. God help us!
33OK, yes, I plead guilty. I’m stealing all the sunlight in my neighborhood with my panels and solar water heater. In fact, I hear tell this whole swath from St. Pete to Clearwater can’t be called part of the Sunshine State any more. And it’s all my fault.
34Damn….it would be hard to make up stuff dumber than this….there was that congressperson who was worried about using up the wind…using up the sun would be really bad, you do have to admit that.
35Gee, like THANKS two crows. Hoggin’ all the sun…
36And yet again, my faith in Darwin is shaken.
Did these people all chase behind the crop dusting planes as kids, or something?
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