Things Ted Cruz Could Have Done To Get Attention That Would Have Hurt Less Than Selecting Carly Fiorina as His Vice President.
- Stuck his hand in a running blender.
- Date Kim Kardashian
- Tightened his belt until his eyes bugged out
- Found a monkey to take on the road with him
- Let Pope Francis do live color commentary on his campaign tour
- Sing a duet of Lemonade with Beyonce
- Admitted openly that Obama was born in America
- Break Taylor Swift’s heart
- Admit he put a curse on the Astros
- Shove his brain up his butt. Oh wait, he did that.
I know you have some.
11. Modeled his thong on CNN. (Apologies for the mental image)
1Maryelle…you can’t unsee that.
212. Get gored at the El Paso Rodeo.
Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa … maryelle isn’t playing nice.
3Discovered he is a Canadian. Oh. Wait. Never mind.
4Ted thinks he needs a woman on the ticket to run against Hillary. Let’s do the math:
Woman + Republican + Name Recognition = Carly Fiorina.
Here’s some more math:
5(Women + Republicans) x Any Kind of Choice = 0
Grovelled on the floor of the Senate while begging forgiveness for his multiple asshatted offenses against the Body.
6#10 Were he to actually do that, his brain would rattle around in there like a BB in a boxcar.
7I think he is delusional. He thinks God told him to run for POTUS?
8Maybe.
But I’d bet $100.00 He did not tell him to pick Carly!!!!
Maryelle, I never knew what a mean streak you had. Ewwww.
Read The Lorax by Dr. Seuss on his campaign stops — and take it seriously.
9OK, I know that’s the Impossible Ask – but a girl can dream.
@maryelle
How long does the regurgitation continue?
10Poke out his eye with a sharp stick.
11@Micr, I’m still throwing up. How about this?
Farting the star spangled banner at an Astros game.
12@PKM Hahahha, you said “Gored.” Al would like that!
13Dressed up like Dudly-Do right and sang “O Canada” while pouring maple syrup all over his female look-alike.
14@Jan
15Poke out his eye with Drumpf’s little short “finger”?
Maryelle, you naughty girl. Don’t know whether to laugh, cry or or grab the pepto. But add a mounts hat and boots and pour the maple syrup on the thong. Then find a large nest of fire ants.
16Barley Farina! I knew it just has to happen! giggle ` snort etc.
17maryelle, as if that smoking-jacket photo that JJ kept subjecting us to wasn’t emetic enough….
18Smile…I mean a smile that includes the eyes and the heart….you know, like President Obama’s smiles.
19Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. I sorry.
20Be proud Maryelle, and you too, Charles Phillips.
21Lighten up on Maryelle. If he modeled his thong over that ugly face of his, you’d win the internet for the day.
22@ epo:
23You’re right. The thong vs. That Face. Serious runners-up for Worst Images Ever.
Running mate for what? Reminds me of when Bill Richardson told his mom he was going to run for President. Her response, “Presidente de que?”
24You’ve got to admit, he’s making McCain’s choice seem better and better!
BTW, aren’t you supposed to wait until you are nominated to pick a Veep? Just askin’.
25Creepy people unite. Ted & Carly: two people that really, really deserve each other!!!
2611. Learn Compassion
12. Learn Science
13. Learn Spanish
14. Appear as a guest judge on Drag Race
15. Appear as a contestant on Drag Race
16. Appear in that thong (h/t maryelle) on Drag Race
Don’t you culpa your mea, girl! Let that freak flag fly.
2717. Eat a corn dog ala Michelle Bachman
2818. Join in with Carly’s next song
19. Choose Sarah Palin as a backup (singer) She could always bring her flute.
20. Admit that he also swats his wife when she ‘fibs’ about talking to God
21. Admit that his mother renounced her citizenship and never got it back (he plans to do that one once he’s in the WH)
22. Appear on DWTS if they can pay a female pro enough to be with him eight hours a day
23. Start his own Dominionist Broadcasting Network, or just take over PTL from Robertson
24. Set up a repayment plan for the 24 billion his book reading shutdown cost us
Pancho Sanza (above) nailed it! Cruz and Carly do, indeed, resemble each other. The resemblance is uncanny–a political cartoonist’s dream.
29Appear at an election event as Grandpa Munster and announce he’s starring in the reboot of the series.
30OMFG!
The Repukes have surely, finally, Whigged out this time; can this absurd Party survive beyond November? (I hope not)
It gets down (way down) to Herr Donler Drumpf, Khameleon Kasick, and DetesTED Crooze, and one might think things might just then bump along the bottom of the mucky bayou until the RNC konklave in Cleveland is sooo over.
Then Loozer Crooze literally dredges a previously ‘dropped’ piece of conservative ordure from below that seat on the end of the dock, Snarly Failurina. And hauls it ashore, tries to polish it up nice and shiny, spritzes some deodorant on it, and proudly proclaims his $500K running mate (who’s just a sweet-hearTed working girl after all).
And y’all know that Snarly was mostly raised in Austin, so this is an all ‘Texan’ ticket, heheh (that’s worked out so well before; from what I’m still hearing most TX R pols are still solid Crooze all the way, the addition of Failurina can only help support, yeehaaa).
This is going to be good, and even more ‘interesting’.
.
Been sort of active in politics since a high school mock election semester in 1964, first voted in ’68. I’ve never, ever seen nor read any history of anything like this 2016 R clusterduck before. What a hoot.
31It’s a synergism of skeeve. Skeevergism. Skeevegasm. Skeevadelic. Skeevatopia. Tropic of Skeevicorn.
3217. Every time he tells a lie, he has to swallow a live slug.
3318. He has to personally apologize face to face with every polar bear for lying about climate change.
19. He has to referee 100 hours of pro hockey. In Canada.
20. He should become a street sweeper in the most liberal town in Texas. Forever. And never leave.
I’m a newbie here, so I will try to be nice (but I think Maryelle wins the cake):
11. Announced he was quitting the race and joining a nunnery.
34I gotcha, lyntilla!
With:
35Speaker of the House Eddie Munster
Secretary of State Herman Munster
And Yvonne De Carly Fiorina as Lily White Munster
I’ve got it! I’ve got it!
He has to submit all his health decisions, but especially anything having anything at all to do with any type of sexual behavior, to a board consisting of 5 radical liberal women, 5 LBTG people, 5 Mexican immigrants, and 5 transsexuals.
Bwahahahahaha!!!
36Sounds to me as though he did find a monkey to take on the road with him.
37He his wife and children need to live in Flint Michigan and drink the water and his kids have to attend public school there
38He and his family have to live on food stamps an assistance in public housing. Oh and public transportation.
Let him see how people live.
Donald Drumpf is going to have a field day with this.
39Didn’t one of Ted’s PACs donate a bunch of money to Fiorina early in the campaign? Maybe he’s just trying to get his money’s worth. Maybe they got a ‘thing’ going between them:
40Ughh + Ewww = Holy Rollers? Pass the mind bleach please.
Every woman in the US needs to buy a hand-cranking device at the hardware store and run around waving it in the air saying “Vote for ME! I’ve got a crank!!!”
Stupid Cruz and Trump.
41My son just reminded me of the time when he was a toddler and threw his dinner on the wall. That didn’t work either! Son is so right about this pairing! The living example of why spaghetti doesn’t stick to walls!
42Things we never wanted to know about Teddie Crooze:
#1 His MILF fantasies revealed by his VP selection.
#2 His desire to play basketball above the ring.
#3 His desire to be schlonged by Donnie Drumpf in Indiana.
#1 Thing Teddie Crooze doesn’t want to know: his presidential fantasy ended on “Super Tuesday” when Donnie Drumpf schlonged him in the Red States among evangelical voters. You lost your base, Teddie. There is no more ‘there’ there.
43#2 You are coming in fifth after the distant fourth place Ksuchasheis.
It would’ve hurt less for Rafael to admit that s dildo is a lonely boys best friend.
44https://media.giphy.com/media/l3V0g6Ke7vGTmiA6c/giphy.gif
45You folks have brightened my day……Appreciate it!
46Number eleven made my day.
47Admit he’s not actually a human but, instead, a reptilian creature from another (less pleasant) planet. I mean, have you seen this guy in blue jeans? Not human.
48