The Texas War Zone
I figure that since I live in Texas, I might as well be your foreign correspondent on Obama Taking Over Texas for No Good Reason At All.
Read for yourself a typical Facebook post from a patriot. Click the little one to see the big one.
There were 71 comments to that post and only one expressed any questions about why this guy didn’t bleed when shot or why were they there in the first place. The men in black are now with Jade Helm?
And if you’re wondering why this wasn’t reported on CNN, there’s an answer for that. Click the little one to get … oh hell, just click it.
Yep, that’s all 5 people in the new media.
And then there are those having fun with it.
My daughter-in-law is pretty certain that there’s no such thing as a live armadillo. And the reason she’s certain is that she’s never seen a live one. The only armadillos she has ever seen are belly up in the middle of the road. She figures that somebody with nothing better to do, which pretty much includes everybody in the towns of Pleak, Pasadena, and Pine, runs out and puts these fake dead animals in the roadway just to mess with our minds. Or maybe they are just born dead. I dunno.
Anyway, there’s a guy named Guy who has the inside scoop. He has heard the report that a well-trained militia of Kamikaze Armadillos is the first line of defense in Texas.
“There’s no way we can win a conventional war, not even with the Texas Guard, Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent on our side,” said Derringer, who called himself the five-star brigadier general of the Volunteer Army of the Republic of Texas. “And it’s damn near impossible to fight a successful guerilla campaign without jungles like ‘Nam or mountains like ‘Stan—so we aim to get creative.”
Yes, you guessed it, they are arming armadillos for underground warfare …
“We read about the secret tunnels beneath Wal-Marts, the ones they’ll use for re-education camps,” Derringer said. “One tunnel plus one armadillo equals no more tunnels and a lot more freedom.”
It’s a plan so crazy that it just might work.
Thanks to Laura and Guy for the heads up.
Where in the article does it mention what happened after the hallucinations subsided?
Seriously, are we really supposed to believe that a Texan would be caught with only two rounds in his weapon?
1Check the local water supply.
2Why would Obama or anyone else want our mess?
3No shit, there I wasn’t! But I knew a guy who is related to a guy this happened to… and no need to critically think about how bogus it all sounds…
Logic flaw, it happened right now and Jade Helm ain’t even scheduled yet to begin…so you know it is true.
By the description–glass breaking in the door (from military SUV on driveway?) and all–I think that the family was actually being invaded by space aliens, he just thought Obama goons would be more believable.
4And some say Oregon is full of crazies? Momma, we got no crazy here like they do in Texas!
5Star! You just won the Internet today. Wow!
6That has been my armadillo theory for years!!
Isn’t Jade Helm supposed to start in July? Really, these people need to tap the brakes on their made up stories. So, the special take over Texas forces break into this guys house and then leave without taking all his guns, or tatooing his baby or taking him to Walmart? sigh, its gonna be a long summer…..
7I hate the social media. It has taken the heart and soul out of Texas male bonding.
That story should have been told one guy to another in the cab of a 20 year old Chevy pickup. And the story should have started with the traditional beginning of a Texas fairy tale, “Here hold my beer, you ain’t gonna believe this shit….”
8My bullcrap meter just went into the red zone. Corinne’s right. Check the wells.
9So my buddy’s brother was in the back bedroom with only two shots in his pistol because, really, how many bullets does one need if he’s “putting his 3 year old down.” One ought to do, right? Then the man in black, who did not have six fingers on his right hand, was standing in the bedroom door. Now, between here and Bastrop, most back bedrooms used by 3-year-olds are about 100 yards long, (the entire double-wide runs to half a mile) so he shot at the man standing in his bedroom doorway and, of course, missed. Then, guided by the spirit of Chuck Norris, he blew him across the hallway because “freedom.” But, oops! Out of bullets, and all he apparently accomplished was to make the bloodless golem’s friends mad.
Soooo…. they grabbed him, threw him against the wall, dragged him outside – without touching the ground, apparently, because then they threw him to the ground, wheren he was emphatically warned to shush by another man in black, who did not appear to be in a burning ring of fire, while they recovered the bloodless body and climbed into their black “military suv” which was probably a Ford Escape because that’s what they did.
The cops, unable to shoot anyone dressed in black unless they are also, coincidentally, black, were powerless in the face of the unarmed Ninja shushers of Jade Helm.
It is in this cryptic way that the usurper Obama silences his most powerful critics. Their shushing was NOT accomplished, however, which may lead to a return visit, and actual physical harm by clowns with seltzer bottles.
Yeah, Brent, it “def raises a few questions” and your mental health professional would like a moment of your time to look for a few answers.
10The pathetically gullible depend on the barefaced liars for their fix.
11If this was true, why wasn’t it on Fox News? Because, ya know, fair and balanced. Or is this so batshit crazy that even they won’t touch it?
12This story doesn’t raise a few questions–just the one. Why isn’t that guy getting the mental health help that he needs? He is delusional and hallucinating.
13Side Note:
Derringer, who called himself the five-star brigadier general of the Volunteer Army of the Republic of Texas. In other words he’s given himself a high-level title that sounds real spiffy.
This is in line with all the reincarnated people who previously were royalty or great warriors or brilliant scientists, etc.–never just some commoner.
14This plan is sheer genius! All the people who have time on their hands to worry about Jade Helm 15 will now be out catching armadillos so they can either cash in big time (demand for armadillos will drive up prices), or show their sincerity to the freedom defenders (donating armadillos to the cause) – – and the army can just go about their business.
15Where’s the picture of the broken glass door? No pictures of the struggle and shooting inside, with five people involved? Any bullet holes in his buddy’s brother’s walls? Not that these would be proof of anything more than a typical Saturday night.
16I have just done extensive research (since my last post) into the armadillo business, and it’s even better than I first thought. Did you know people will PAY YOU MONEY to remove armadillos from their yard? Ca-ching!
You get paid to catch ’em, and paid to sell ’em. And with prices only going higher as we speak… well, I gotta go.
17Just a thought, that this guy’s buddy’s brother is well deeply into meth. It was an armadillo he put to bed.
18Easy explanation – terminators don’t bleed.
19Oh please. This guy’s buddy’s brother was probably drunk and using his door as target practice inside. This is the stupid ass story he told his wife/girlfriend when she got home and saw the broken door, so she wouldn’t be angry and instead see him as a “hero”.
And the only question it raises for me is when can we put these ignoramuses out of their misery.
20RepubAnon: ” Seriously, are we really supposed to believe that a Texan would be caught with only two rounds in his weapon?”
Seriously, are we supposed to believe that there is a Texan with only ONE weapon?
21It’s sad to think that there are people in Texas who would believe that load.
Frankly, if the ninja invaders let him shoot one of them and all they did was drag Bubba outside and tell him not to say anything, and then they drove off, they’re not much to worry about, are they?
22Once again we see the lawlessness of these self styled patriots. Endangering the official Small Mammal of The Great State of Texas. Gen. Dillenger should be Court Marshalled, publicly degraded, reduced to private and then hung.
23I’ll be glad when June 16 arrives. That is the day after Emerald Jade 15 is over. I expect there won’t be much of a body count.
24A five-star brigadier general of the volunteer army of the republic of texas? I bet he’s tellin’ the truth: they don’t hand those stars out to just anybody. I got a fourth star in the Texas Panhandle Navy years ago, but after the ol’ lady split a few years ago I got a DUI ‘r two and I ain’t gonna get any fifth star.
25I have seen a live ‘dillo outside of my appartment when I lived in Austin. Didn’t touch it though because they are the only known viable host for syphilis.
Now there is more to worry about when seeing a live ‘dillo.
Looks like a good time NOT to be in Texas.
Also, I agree, no self respecting Texan would have only 2 rounds in his loaded gun, unless of course he had done more shootin’ ahead of that.
26Nugent wouldn’t fight unless his opponent was a teeny-bopper girl and he thought he could get in her pants. He prefers diplomacy-spending some jingle to make him her guardian and then commence full body invasion.
27Maybe it’s me I don’t know being just a long haired country boy but supposedly armourded rats don’t scare me!
Good Grief here in SW Florida the most dangerous animals are leaving our dangerous snowbirds are migrating back up north.
This plan will never work Gators in a tunnel now you are talking some danger or maybe snowbirds to block the tunnels with their wings!
28Maybe Nugent consummated animal sexrifice with an armadillo,wouldn’t that explain the syphillis?
29Volunteer Army of the Republic of Texas = VART. AKA: the hot mental outgassing of fevered TX RWNJ’s.
30Ummmm… not syphilis. It’s leprosy. Different disease, different distribution method.
31HA! I know Brent Merchant. There isn’t a conspiracy theory that has been written or spoken that he or his Father don’t believe with every fiber of their beings.
Just Saying…..
32Shoot,I wasted a good Nugent story because of the wrong disease. On the bright side-George Zimmerman had a car window shot out(road rage-ongoing) and was apparently cut by flying glass. Zimmerman allegedly pointed a gun at the wrong person who wasn’t afraid to shoot in self defense.
33Faux News should be all over this.
It’s a known fact… Rupert Murdoch DOES NOT have a sweetie in the White House.
34I personally feel this is definitive proof the Al-Quida has crossed the border.
35When I lived in TX in the mid-1970s, a friend and I went hiking. I saw a real-live armadillo. I was amazed by its speed, and by the rustling noise it made. Tell these madmen to leave the armadillo ALONE.
36I wonder who will be the first guy to blow himself up while trying to weaponize an armadillo. I just hope the armadillo is okay.
37I’m not so sure that Five Star Brigadier General Derringer can depend upon those Armadillos to be on his side of the fight. As everyone knows, it’s a fact that Armadillos grow those long toe nails just so they can grip onto the tracks and pull themselves up as the tanks roll past. Since the Volunteer Army of the Republic of Texas hasn’t got a single tank to its name, I’m afraid General Derringer is going to have to rely on Possums to take those bombs down the tunnels. They may not be able to dig but at least they can see in the dark. Which is more than can be said for the experts and almost-eye-witnesses on facebook.
Oh..and those flat Armadillos you see on the side of the highway? While they’re out there practicing their tread gripping technique on the pickup trucks, sometimes they miss. It’s unfortunate, but true.
38Umphhh, even I could hit a man blocking a door. What a sissy.
39I think that Texas is jealous that they do not have their own are 51.
40So they are creating one.
are 51
Area 51. Not are 51. Just starting on my first cup of coffee and it is before 6am.
41DANG! Time for me to call my 85 yro Mom in North Dallas! She and her senior buddies on the street can make gazillions! When I am at ‘home’ visiting her, you can go on the patio at night and see all kinds of ‘pink eyes’ rustling about with their snouts digging up her cannas! Mix the ‘dillas’ with the Parade of Peacocks (flock or herd?) from the stables down the road~the peacocks are the burglar alarms for the stables! Peacocks apparently get bored and gang together to make their ‘march’ around the neighborhood. It is quite a sight and lots of fun! All of this in the middle of Big D. We need to ‘set a price’ on ‘peacocks’and ‘dillas’ and we can all become 1%ers! Yeah, that’s the ticket!
42A few years ago there were armadillo sightings reported in southern Illinois…Jade Helm Advanced Guard? Just sayin’…
43For a long time I’ve daydreamed about moving to Texas and becoming famous writing satire. This brings me to the painful realization that there are so many out there already who are way better at it!
44@Umptydump, Molly Ivins was famous for writing Texas satire, but (all credit to her) a lot of times she didn’t have to do much more than print what was actually said and done in Texas. As she remarked about trying to find something funny to say about what came over the tickertape, “Some days it’s just rip and read.”
45So, the day Jade Helm is over and none of the conspiracy stuff has happened, are these folk going to acknowledge their foolishness? Or will they simply claim that their brave patriotism averted the sinister plan?
46Thanks Obama! ~ ‘signed’ Hillary Rodham Clinton.
The goobers are so busy blaming Obama for everything from the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand to exploding Zeppelins that they missed the obvious. HRC was busy in her Walmart years building bunkers and tunnels for her 2016 coup.
47Isn’t there something in the Constitution that gives bears the right to have armadillos?
48I saw a live armadillo at the Seattle Zoo once.
Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris = success? Oh that fellow needs to get out more.
49So, this story ISN’T satire? I just assumed that it was because I didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to handle a leprosy-carrying rodent quite that much.
50