The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club, who once tried to shut down a family owned bakery in Sugar Land because they made cakes with ta-tas on them, are back and they are outraged!  Outraged, I tell you.

And, as most of you know, outrage substitutes for foreplay in most Republican homes.

FORT WORTH, Texas — Alliance Town Center is moving ahead with a lawsuit to stop one of its businesses from selling adult items.

In more than 400 pages of legal documents, the North Fort Worth shopping center calls The Velvet Box a “sexually oriented business.” It says the business generates more than 75 percent of its revenue from sexual items.

Okay, now here’s the problem:  sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, you know?  What they see as a “sexual item” may be what you and I call “yard art” or “small kitchen appliance.”

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The Velvet Box in Fort Worth, Texas

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Good Lord, it’s just a charming and delightful melding of Victoria’s Secret with Hank’s Hardware Store.  What could be wrong with that?

And think about this.  How many visits did the Alliance Town Center have to make to The Velvet Box to count all the items, do complicated mathematics, and then re-visit the shop to check their work to come up with 75% of the items being “sexual?”  I bet that took plenty of visits.  They probably had to touch everything a couple of times and ask the sales lady to explain the function to them slowly and softly while wearing a pair of boots and a whip.

And 400 pages of legal documents?  Hell, that’s longer than any of the Shades of Grey books and probably more erotic, considering the legal papers would have detailed descriptions of what makes perfectly normal household items suddenly sexual if you just turn it upside down and carve it into something taller than it is wide.

My Walgreen’s drugstore sells condoms.  Lots of them.  Try as I might, I cannot come up with any other use for a condom other than something sexual, and I don’t want anybody here to be making suggestions.    Seriously, do not go there because bad things will happen.  If you know something non-sexual to do with a condom other than sparkin’, I have probably already thought of it and discounted it as being impractical, expensive, or a silly damn way to use a condom.

So, anyway, why aren’t they trying to shut down my Walgreen’s?

And if you want to get real technical, blonde hair bleach is a sexual item.  Look, when people say that blondes have more fun, I do not think they are talking about water skiing.  I could be wrong, though.  Water skiing is certainly fun.  Especially if you’re nakkid and having hoochy …. okay, see what the Republicans have done to me?  I would never have thought of doing that until they got me to thinking about it.

I know what the Republicans do not like about The Velvet Box.  (1)  It’s free enterprise without government interference.  (2)  Somewhere somebody is doing the wild thing, (3) better than they do.

Keep it clean, kids!