The Belles Are Back in Town
The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club, who once tried to shut down a family owned bakery in Sugar Land because they made cakes with ta-tas on them, are back and they are outraged! Outraged, I tell you.
And, as most of you know, outrage substitutes for foreplay in most Republican homes.
FORT WORTH, Texas — Alliance Town Center is moving ahead with a lawsuit to stop one of its businesses from selling adult items.
In more than 400 pages of legal documents, the North Fort Worth shopping center calls The Velvet Box a “sexually oriented business.” It says the business generates more than 75 percent of its revenue from sexual items.
Okay, now here’s the problem: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, you know? What they see as a “sexual item” may be what you and I call “yard art” or “small kitchen appliance.”
.
The Velvet Box in Fort Worth, Texas
.
Good Lord, it’s just a charming and delightful melding of Victoria’s Secret with Hank’s Hardware Store. What could be wrong with that?
And think about this. How many visits did the Alliance Town Center have to make to The Velvet Box to count all the items, do complicated mathematics, and then re-visit the shop to check their work to come up with 75% of the items being “sexual?” I bet that took plenty of visits. They probably had to touch everything a couple of times and ask the sales lady to explain the function to them slowly and softly while wearing a pair of boots and a whip.
And 400 pages of legal documents? Hell, that’s longer than any of the Shades of Grey books and probably more erotic, considering the legal papers would have detailed descriptions of what makes perfectly normal household items suddenly sexual if you just turn it upside down and carve it into something taller than it is wide.
My Walgreen’s drugstore sells condoms. Lots of them. Try as I might, I cannot come up with any other use for a condom other than something sexual, and I don’t want anybody here to be making suggestions. Seriously, do not go there because bad things will happen. If you know something non-sexual to do with a condom other than sparkin’, I have probably already thought of it and discounted it as being impractical, expensive, or a silly damn way to use a condom.
So, anyway, why aren’t they trying to shut down my Walgreen’s?
And if you want to get real technical, blonde hair bleach is a sexual item. Look, when people say that blondes have more fun, I do not think they are talking about water skiing. I could be wrong, though. Water skiing is certainly fun. Especially if you’re nakkid and having hoochy …. okay, see what the Republicans have done to me? I would never have thought of doing that until they got me to thinking about it.
I know what the Republicans do not like about The Velvet Box. (1) It’s free enterprise without government interference. (2) Somewhere somebody is doing the wild thing, (3) better than they do.
Keep it clean, kids!
You put an unlubricated condom over the muzzle of a combat weapon in rain, to keep the inside of the barrel from rusting.
Learned that one in Army basic training.
1Frankly, I like idea of the Velvet Box being like Victoria’s Secret collided, and merged, with Hank’s Hardware or maybe with Home Depot. Not only because going to Home D is my favorite Saturday time-waster and because I have possibly maybe gone to Victoria’s Secret to purchase some nasty little nothing for me to give to the child bride for …. ya know adult married stuff, BUT because it makes the uptights’ – the Regressives and their supporters – butts itch. And I REALLY like that.
Now about those alternative uses for condoms ….
2Hmm – what happens to the sections on face and bikini waxes at Walgreen’s and CVS? The beauty salons (oops – hide, Juanita) who do waxes and put spangles on the nether regions to make them shine and sparkle?
Goodness, some folks get off using frozen cream pies to sit in and – well, never mind, saw that once on an episode of Real Sex (which I found only by accident and would have rushed past to another channel but the danged remote slipped from my hand and under the sofa in pure dee shock, honest, mama) causing me to blush for weeks every single time I got near the frozen food section in the grocery store (won’t even mention those bumper crops of cucumbers and zucchini in the produce area).
My goodness gracious, those Republicans sure have dirty minds and a way of getting the rest of us thinking real hard and long (sorry, no images truly intended) about how things can be used.
3The two words “velvet” and “box” alone are enough to make the Baptistas sweaty. Prudes have the best fantasies.
4Some folks just have too much time on their uncallused hands. Go home and bake a cake or something.
5Check your local Wal-Mart and Target also. They sell vibrators in our local stores…
6My dear Baptist Grandmother had a “massager” that she ordered from the Sears catalog for her neck in the late 60’s. She had it sitting out on the end table in the living room! My mother, dying from embarrassment, told her what it was for. My Grandmother told her she was just thinking dirty thoughts and that Sears wouldn’t sell such a thing. She did keep it in her bedroom after that!
7When are they going to grow up and stop acting like a whining 8 year old.
8I had a friend with the Visiting Nurse Association who was given a baby shower by her co-workers. The “balloons” were paisley condoms that had been used in a “safe sex” project.
9We all thought it was just a bit behind the curve.
As hesitant as I am to get pulled along into this dialog, I must point out that Peter Schickele, who performed as “P.D.Q. Bach” and with whom I once had lunch, was a pretty good bassoonist. In some of his appearances he played a bassoon solo with the orchestra. Although the bassoon has an open end at the top, most of the air and much of the sound actually exits the instrument through the many holes under the fingers of the player and keys of the instrument. The highlight of his solo was sounding a loud, sustained note which was the lowest on the instrument. With all the other exits blocked by fingers and keys, the air had no place to exit except through the top of the bassoon (or musical fence post as it is sometimes known in Iowa where both Mr. Schickele and I were born). it was then that Mr. Schickele’s “bassoon balloon,” complete with reservoir tip, emerged triumphantly from the top of the instrument. I’m not sure I have laughed so hard since. But there were “Belles of Heaven” types in the audience who were suitably indignant.
10Home Depot can get pretty exciting all by itself: http://i.imgur.com/aVQXo.jpg
11I’m sure The Velvet Box is enjoying the publicity and the new customers. Years ago a bakery in Annapolis MD sold anatomically-correct gingerbread cookie people (kept under wraps and sold only to adults) and the local “Moral Majority” threw a hissy. The store got so much more business because of the news stories that the national “MM” told the locals to shut up about it.
I never tried any of the anatomically-correct cookies because I was too busy eating their circular chocolate chip cookies. Dang, they were even better than Momma’s (sorry, Momma).
12@lightening: I got about a lightning-flash glimpse at the Home Depot sign before my virus scanner blocked it. That’s a hoot!
13@Rhea: Anatomically correct brings back a memory. The winter after the child bride and I married, the snow came in truckloads and as I was working deep nights at the time, she and I played in the snow in daylight. Well first one thing and another happened and before you know it I had sculpted my interpretation of child bride’s physique in as a snowwoman. Anatomically correct. OMG the landlord who lived next door was all over me about the pornographical display in front of his rent hacienda. As luck would have it the Mayor sobered up and was out and about too. He wound up yelling at the city manager and babbling something about conduct unbecoming and couldn’t the city court-martial over this and execute at dawn???
Cooler heads prevailed but for the two or three winters the city manager called me every time there was snow in the forecast.
14How do they know what was sold unless they bought the items themselves?
15OK, I googled “things to do with condoms”
got the following –
About 23,100,000 results (0.24 seconds)
i then googled “things to do with duct tape”
got the following
About 2,800,000 results (0.26 seconds)
I’m thinking the velvet box is much better than home depot to help me with my every day needs 🙂
16The Belles would have fainting spells if they visited Rome. Dirty old woman that I am, I have a beautiful miniature of “David” in all his glory on my charm bracelet.
@lightning, thanks for the link. Very funny!
17Reminds me of the time my SIL was driving in DC with her young son through Georgetown and got stuck in traffic–right by a “leather” store with mannequins dressed in all their glory. My nephew asked her what they were selling in that store and she quickly said, “Halloween Costumes.”
18When I met my wife she had a truck with naked male silhouettes on the mudflaps. My teenaged boys were scared to death one of their friends would see them riding in the truck. I used to threaten to drive by the school real slow….
We’ve got a frequent flyer card at Cindies Lingerie and visit adult shops when we go on trips. They’re fun and the employees are usually great people. GOP women (grouchy old……)
19I don’t understand why the Belles get so upset at stores selling adult items. It’s not as though any of them are functioning adults.
20In New Orleans, 1988 Political Convention – I think GOP, my wife discovered that the liquor stores tended to carry items such as handcuffs, masks and whips. Not to mention items we couldn’t figure out and we were from NYC at the time.
21Better keep those Belles away from the Bible. Whatever would they do with Song of Solomon, aka Song of Songs? Then there is the story of Oholah and Oholibah in Ezekiel 23. The Belles would likely faint at verse 20.
Hey, I’m just pointing out here.
22Went country-western dancing with my hunny and saw someone stretch the open end of a condom over the neck of a beer bottle. It inflated nicely, just sitting on the table. I don’t think they even had to shake the bottle. Maybe a little.
23