.

B. K. “Bev” Carter, owner, publisher and media mogul of the Fort Bend Star newspaper came into the beauty salon this morning because she needed Juanita to get crepe paper stains out of her bleached blonde hair.  Bev is a party girl.  Where there is crepe paper, Cool Whip, or promise of a Happy Hour, you will find Bev.

This week Bev was on a roll about the new Sugar Land baseball team.  They held a contest to name the team and it appears that all the people who live in Sugar Land have had an imagination-ectomy.  You have to remember that this is the city that almost got sued over stealing the slogan:  “Sugar Land: There is No Equal.”  Seriously.  They thought that was awesomely clever.  Awesome enough to steal.

So, they are going to get a semi-pro baseball team.  And they have to name it.  So, they held a contest.  I think first prize is dinner with the mayor.  Second prize is lunch and dinner with the mayor.  Third prize is a day with Councilman Russell Jones, which explains why nobody entered.

It’s obvious that nobody entered because …. well, I’ll let Bev explain ….

Susan, this latest move by Sugar Land is on a par with the sink hole that was the Sugar Fest held in the hottest month of the year and run by the crazy mayor’s wife.

Sugar Land is holding a contest to see which of the three final names will be chosen as the baseball team name. The finalists are:

Sugar Land King Canes: King Canes honors the pride and winning attitude of our region. The King Canes pays tribute to our sugar history and prosperity.

Sugar Land Lizard Kings: As the Texas state reptile, the horned lizard means business! This horned “King of the Lizards” is crafty and cunning. No other professional sports team in America is led by a lizard, although a cousin is a spokes-reptile for a certain insurance company.

Sugar Land Skeeters: The Sugar Land Skeeters celebrates our hometown love of warm Texas nights and the fun of minor league baseball. This playful identity shows America we have an itch for baseball, and was a strong favorite of younger submitters!

Knowing how you love baseball, I imagine you head is exploding right now.

Here is some preliminary comments I made to our councilwoman Jacquie Chaumette when she informed me today:

Are those people from Opening Day Partners smoking something? They claim 8,000 entries and this is the best they can come up with? Maybe they had some signs and tee-shirts left over from an unsuccessful team in the past?

Jacquie, this is tragic! This is probably the three worst names anyone can think of. I predict that this project is dead in the water before it even begins if these ya-loos can’t come of with any better names than this. I am embarrassed by these.

Just off the top of my head, and I didn’t enter this but I’m sure someone did–what is wrong with “The Imperials?”

OMG, this is horrible. I can’t imagine what the business community is going to think of this.

But thank goodness I have a column for next week, and the week after, and the one after that.

Sugar Land's Finest - The former congressman, the former mayor, and their imaginary friend

Juanita is not as upset as Bev.

Juanita knows Sugar Land.  She also knows their voting record.  Juanita is just thrilled they didn’t name it The Nobamas.  Or, Aliens Go Home.  Or, The Jesus Bats.

“Honey, I think they should name them ‘The Tea Partiers” and just be done with it,’ Juanita says.

“Bev, I have spent a lifetime watching Sugar Land flout bad ideas – remember the light poles down the middle of the median on 90A and the Royal Crown Whiskey symbols all over the freeway overpasses?  I really expected nothing less than the worse from Sugar Land.  And, God love ‘um, they delivered.”