That’s My Story And I’m Sticking To It
Last week we kept hearing differing stories about how the Russian flagship Moskva ended up on the ocean floor. Ukraine says they hit it with two missiles at exactly the right places kinda like Luke Skywalker did to the Death Star. The Russians said there was fire in the engine room and their fire alarm was on the fritz.
Who knows? But, here’s the story I’m going with.
It was Jesus.
Come to find out, a rich Russian oligarch brought a small piece of the cross that Jesus was crucified on. He probably got it on talk radio claiming they only had one of the few remaining samples of this along with the death defying magical money-making sex-attracting water-to-wine lifetime guarantee.
It’s true. I swear it’s true. Maybe it’s not true where he bought it, but he bought it.
So, this Russian guy buys it and donates it to the fanciest warship in Russia because he figures it’ll be safe there. You know, kinda like the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones. Or maybe not that.
Okay, so they put the piece of the cross on the Moskva just recently. And the next thing you know … you know.
So here’s how I found out about this. A friend found it on Reddit. Reddit, in case you don’t know has about the same reliability as … well, none. I’m not saying it can’t be fun place to follow your hobbies and r/coolguides, r/askscience, r/earthporn, r/awesome, r/DiWhy, r/ThatLookedExpensive, r/AskHistorians, r/whatisthisthing, and a hundred other time sponges, but it’s not reliable.
Now, the problem is that the article Reddit notes is written in Russian.
But, through the miracle of modern journalism, if you go to Goggle and get a translation, you get —
A piece of wood a few millimeters in size was purchased by Moscow patrons and transferred to the fleet
SEVASTOPOL, February 26. /TASS/. The Christian relic – a particle of the Lord’s Cross – will be stored on the flagship of the Black Sea Fleet – the Moskva missile cruiser. Archpriest Sergiy Halyuta, Dean of the Sevastopol District of the Russian Orthodox Church, told TASS about this.
He was sick and tired of looking at the cross thing. He was sick and tired of war. He got pissed off and overturned the tables of the moneychangers. It’s ain’t his first rodeo.
Hell, my story is as good as Russia.
I had read somewhere (maybe a twitter feed) that the two highest commanding officers of the Moskva had gone overboard with the crew instead of staying with the ship until it sank. From I understand, the captain always stays with the ship. It’s part of the job description.
The best part is no matter how it was sunk, the Moskva was promoted to submarine rank and Putin is pissed.
1I’m reading “The Innocents Abroad” and Mr. Twain can’t get over how many pieces of the True Cross (and crowns of thorns) you encounter all over Europe. It looks like they’re still in circulation.
Or, you know, they forgot to change the battery in the smoke detector. They forgot a lot of things in the run-up to this war.
2From what I’ve read, there were enough pieces of the “True Cross” sold to pilgrims during the Crusades to form several thousand crosses.
Selling fake antiques to foreigners has a long, long history.
3You probably heard about the Ukrainian stamp issued commemorating the soldiers of Snake Island telling the Moskva to “F off”. The day after the stamp was released to the public the Moskva sunk.
Now through the wonders of Photoshop other versions of the stamp are available for viewing:
On fire:
https://twitter.com/lisapandone/status/1514708172191141903?s=21
Sinking:
4https://twitter.com/maasneotekc/status/1514494266512347139?s=21
RepubAnon- and there’s no shortage of really gullible people.
5Spoiler alert. It was the Ukrainians themselves.
They own a duplicate, but uncompleted sister ship
of the one they sank, left over from the cold war.
They had inside info on its capabilities & vulnerabilities.
6Like where to hit it with a missile to blow it up right.
Made me think of a novel my sister recommended and that I thoroughly enjoyed: The Relic Masters by Christopher Buckley. Yeah, that Buckley’s son.
Regardless, it is hilarious! And, yes, splinters of the “real cross” are hot items in the middle ages!
7Mere splinters? There is wholesale lumber available in the good ol’ US of A from all the Qcumber conservatives climbing on crosses to display their victim cards. Moscow could build an entire new fleet replete with oar ports and oars. Nuclear? Meh. What’s more energy efficient than conscript labor rowing the boat?
lol Hey Putie, heckuva a job, buddy! Run silent, run deep and by all means take our TFG with you. Say hi to Bin Laden, too.
8All of Christopher Buckley’s novels are hilarious. I’m glad to see another fan on here.
9Well, when the Russkies couildn’t understand how anyone anywhere could hit their ship so precisely, it took me back to the day when I was taught how to shoot a rifle successfully: aim lower than you thought you should, then squeeze the trigger. This is to bluff the recoil which actually will get to where you wanted the hit, especicially if the target is standing still.
10Jesus Sav…errm..Sinks!
Here’s a definitive rundown on the Moskva, with pictures and video [which I hadn’t anywhere seen before].
He’s most definitely on the bottom of the Black Sea, with as many as 600+ Russian Navy personnel [as a flagship he carried an unusually large contingent of upper rank command officers].
Originally the “Slava”, lead vessel of the Slava class, all were built and upgraded in Mykolaiv (Nikolaev), Ukrainian SSR.
Initial reports listed as few as 50-100 survivors, out of a crew as large as 485-700.
The Ukrainian missiles hit just after dark [as planned…], and all the survival actions took place at night in rough seas and weather, not a good scenario.
The Ukrainians leveraged the ship’s known technical weaknesses with a diversionary tactic, a large Turkish Bayraktar drone[s] operating in the Moskva’s main radar axis [a fixed directional unit], distracting the vessel defensive systems [the crew may also have been nearly as poorly trained, led, and motivated as Russian ground forces].
This allowed as many as 4 Ukranian designed and built Neptun anti-ship missiles to be launched and close on the Moskva, with 2-3 hitting the flagship.
This was a massive Ukrainian victory no matter what way the Russkis try to spin it.
https://gcaptain.com/photos-show-russian-warship-moskva-after-alleged-missile-strikes
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slava-class_cruiser
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mykolayiv_Shipyard
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinking_of_the_Moskva
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_warship,_go_fuck_yourself
11We can no longer make stuff up. The truth is way too unbelievable.
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