I suffer from a form of depression known as dysthymia. In lay man’s terms it is episodic form of depression where you never get really low to the point of not functioning, but there are times when motivation is an issue. I manage okay for the most part. I perform my duties at work and do what I need to do throughout the day, but it is sometimes hard to get the energy to do anything beyond that.

It’s usually caused by a chemical imbalance. I was diagnosed in my twenties, but it is something that has always been there. The original psychiatrist explained it by saying that there were certain times in our lives when hormones change and we are more susceptible to these imbalances. The standard treatment are anti-depressants, but as many of you probably know, there are dozens of those.

The first one was Paxil. Paxil definitely helped me get out of the fog, but I went from a fairly svelte 140 pounds to a robust 210 pounds. I’m only five foot nine, so that was definitely too much weight. As I went through the treatment I went from feeling generally depressed to feeling depressed because I was fat. I eventually found Cymbalta and managed to get both in control.

In the last 20 years I went from that 210 pounds back 140. That also came with diabetes. Diabetes is a cruel kind of disease. By itself it’s not a big deal, but it causes so many other problems. I have had problems with my eyes, feet, kidneys, digestive system, and goodness knows what else. It seems like I’m going to some doctor every week and playing whack a mole. One problem seems to get better and another problem gets worse.

The other part of diabetes is the root cause. Some people will say it is caused by a bad diet and I can’t necessarily disagree with that. I drunk cola like it was going out of style. Still, people have a predisposition to get it or not depending on genetics. So, you could spiral and vacillate between self-pity and self-loathing.

I described fighting through a fog and that is exactly what it feels like. It’s like wearing gray colored glasses. Take all the personal stuff and add to it what is going on in the world around us and it can seem impossible to make it through. There is the normal middle aged stuff of moving into a stage of life when changes happen. Retirement is coming. Kids are getting older. Parents are getting older.

These thoughts dominate my thinking. It is the way I view the world. I have to train my mind to think positively. It becomes a mantra to help me get through the day. It becomes a way to view our politics and the social/religious issues that dominate our timeline. Anger quickly moves to despair. It can be overwhelming to deal with stupidity and cruelty for their own sake. We were supposed to be better than this. We are called to be better than this. Fighting it can feel like trying to rake sand off the beach.

The long and short of it is that I can offer excuses for not writing, but they are all a cop out. The cruel irony is that the writing serves as therapy for me. I’m not on the anti-depressants anymore. Writing is a lot cheaper and comes without the side effects. Besides I’m taking enough pills to keep the pharmaceutical industry afloat. Keep repeating the same mantras. Most people are basically good. This too shall pass. Our national nightmare will end and our lives will have meaning. Otherwise, there is a pill for that too.