Those of us that work in education have to balance an unbridled optimism and joy that we want to share with students with the mounting frustrations we deal with. It presents an interesting dichotomy, but in my mind it is fairly easy. I am increasingly discovering that it is the adults that are the source of the frustration. When you keep peeling back that onion you soon discover that virtually all of the adults see eye to eye on what should really be done. We are just left to go with the flow in an impersonal system that has its own ways and own mind about such things. I have to practice turning off the frustrated face and switching the happy one back on.

Generally speaking, I try to be a jovial person. I haven’t always been this way. I experienced a bit of a conversion several years when I entered the hospital with a staph infection. I came out of that experience with all my fingers and toes and with a new understanding that nothing is ever guaranteed.

This is a daily battle. It is a daily battle to look at things from the bright side. It isn’t something that comes naturally or easily. Gratitude is a choice and it is one that has to be made daily. Grievance leads to anger, frustration, and more importantly envy. Envy leads to the dark side. This is where so many people are these days. Avoiding it involves seeing it and acknowledging it. It involves a self-talk that can bring me out of that head space.

The last several weeks in particular have produced three noble truths that I cannot ignore. First, I am angry. There is a meme going around where we acknowledge that both sides hate. One side hates women, black people, immigrants, liberals, and LGTBQ+. The other side hates bigots. Hate is a strong word, but the anger is palpable.

The second noble truth is that this anger is justified. I don’t think people quite understand what life is like for a progressive Christian these days. We feel that our faith has been hijacked on one side and is being mocked on another front. When we were growing up we learned what we were supposed to be as Christians. We were taught to love everyone. We were taught to accept everyone. We were taught that our love and charity shouldn’t come with strings attached.

Then, when we tried to live according to that creed we were told we were not Christian. We just weren’t judgmental enough. We were only Christian if we supported a man that represented every vice we were warned about growing up. So, that when we say we are Christian we are immediately judged by those that follow someone that represents just about everything evil in the world. Of course, we were then judged by those non-Christians that simply being Christian means you are an asshole like they are.

The anger is justified because it masks a profound sadness. It masks a sadness for the loss of loved ones that have been taken in by hate. They have been taken in by bigotry, grievance, and disinformation. I feel powerless to do anything and say anything. Decency has become a vice. Cruelty has become a virtue. Up is down. Left is right. Black is white. In this bizarro world, the ravings of a demented and evil man become virtue and truth. Of course, I’m angry. It is the stage after the anger that worries me.

I’m depressed. I suppose there are many kinds of depression. There is the padded room with heavy medication kind. There is the soul crippling can’t move a muscle kind. On the other end of the spectrum there is the “I heard some bad news and I have the blues” kind.

For those of you that aren’t mental health professionals (I’m really not either although I have a masters in Counseling) dysthymia is more of a minor depression. Think of it as seeing the world with a pair of gray colored glasses on. Nothing is black per se. The colors just dim and the beauty gets muted. Suddenly, enjoyable activities aren’t so enjoyable anymore.

This is what brings me to today’s topic. Writing brings me joy. If I have learned anything since my diagnosis it is that we all have to find joy in our life. However, over the past couple of weeks writing has not been giving me joy. They are painful topics and the current landscape of the world seems to be a constellation of bad news that form a very bleak picture.

Some people in the gulf south still have no power after a hurricane hit eight days ago. The workers are working hard, but the company seems to be fumbling about and those in power at the state level could honestly give a shit. If they did they would have fixed the grid three years ago when it spectacularly failed. Moreover, the depressing part is that a majority of Texans continue to vote for these ass clowns even in the face of their failure.

Then we get the other news from the weekend and early part of the week. Combine that with a complicit Supreme Court and we have a man that literally will not be held accountable for dozens of felonies. Then, a whack job tries to kill him and ends up causing more damage to the cause. Even if he had succeeded in his quest it would have caused more damage. Political violence and violence of all kinds brings damage.

The reaction of the ex-president and some of his followers was more disheartening. He paused for a damn photo op. Who does that? Then, you get the sheep that post this on their social media like some kind of battle cry. One guy even got it tattooed to his back. The attempt is horrible enough and I’m thankful the ex-president is okay but I just wish there were a genuine human response there. I no longer believe it was a false flag but this is why so many of my friends think so. That is also disheartening.

I have to admit my mind went there initially. Obviously, there is proof out there in blogosphere of my initial thoughts. I say all this to say my joy is nearly gone. It is quickly being replaced with despair. Hanging on in quiet desperation is no way to live. I suppose this is a fight or flight moment and my instincts usually point towards flight.

I am not leaving forever. In fact, I can’t even tell you how long I will be leaving. When the joy begins to come back it will come back. I’ll linger about and make comments every now and then and I have other sources of writing that don’t involve politics. I’ll still do those and maybe they will bring me enough joy to come back soon. Hopefully I will see everyone again really soon.