Sweetie, Pat Downs are as Close to Physical Intimacy That You’re Gonna Get

April 13, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

East Texas Republican State Rep (you know already that this is going to be good, right?) David Simpson does not want people touching him anywhere near his winkie, dammit.  He’s working on a perfect record of no winkie touching, dammit.

A contentious proposal to criminalize excessive touching by agents during airport security pat-downs returned Wednesday to the Texas Legislature, along with concerns that the federal government could ground all flights into and out of the state if it ever becomes law.

The poor man has a belly full of bedsprings not over the fact that we are still being searched at airports, but because that search might involve his winkie.  Which is like being nakkid.  Almost.

Simpson said his bill was more necessary than ever because traditional metal detectors at airports have increasingly been replaced by full-body scanners that “basically allow people to be viewed naked.” He said he and others who object to that now often have no choice but to endure pat-downs.

The poor boy has never had a mammogram, huh?   With a mammogram you get both.

Simpson says he knows that current Texas law does not allow groping or inappropriate touching by airport security screeners but he wants to talk about his winkie some more and this bill is a way he can do it.

He even gets to look at dirty pictures if he introduces this bill and, boy howdy!, he gets to share them with his fellow Republicans. He’s got a “packet” of pictures with airport security screeners doing things that he thinks are dirty.

Rep. Harvey Hilderbran, a Kerrville Republican, said of the security officials in the pictures Simpson provided, “some of them seem to be enjoying the groping.”

Yeah, the Texas House Republican Dirty Happenin’s Committee had to look at those pictures more than a dozen times to get the full impact before they went on to looking at the bras in the Sears catalog.

They got themselves worked into a lather and got to bill writin’ faster than a hiccup so they can share these pictures with their brethren on the House Committee on Have You Seen This?, Indignity Subcommittee.

Before you know it all that thinking about winkie patting and hooter rubbing just sucked the air plum out of the legislature and all that was left standing was State Representative David Simpson holding his winkie.  I do not know if this is a true story but it makes good tellin’.

By the way, in case you were wondering about this, he’s not only an East Texan, he’s a Baptist so he likes to talk about depravity a whole lot.

Thanks to UmptyDump for the heads up.

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0 Comments to “Sweetie, Pat Downs are as Close to Physical Intimacy That You’re Gonna Get”


  1. ….and, yet, they have no problem with unnecessary vaginal probes. Huh. Go figure.

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  2. If they think a patdown or scan is invasive, why do they support vaginal ultrasounds? Isn’t that a bit more invasive? Or maybe it’s just that if it’s women that are getting their privates invaded it doesn’t matter.
    Jerks. Creme de merde. (Momma doesn’t read French, does she?)

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  3. He’s just afraid those patdowns won’t find anything on him.

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  4. Sam in Kyle says:

    Sounds like he needs to experience a “testigram” so he can really understand what he and his fellow baptist/gop scoundrels are doing to women.

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  5. publius bolonius says:

    We see this a lot among the Super Deluxe Brand Christians. Many seem to display an obsessive interest in anything sexytime related, even if it ain’t. Especially if it ain’t. Projection much?

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  6. This is just an excuse for a lot of like-minded Republicans to talk and worry about their winkies. You’d probably need to make them get buck nekkid and use a strong magnifying glass to even find their wee winkies.

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  7. maryelle says:

    J.J.: You have outdone yourself.
    “The Texas House Republican Dirty Happenin’s Committee”
    “The House Committee on Have You Seen This? Indignity Subcomittee”

    And this on the heels of Reverend Jessie’s leg-crossing sermon!
    This much hilarity has got to be sinful.

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  8. For once I find myself in complete agreement with a radical righter. I don’t want people touching him anywhere near his winkie either.

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  9. It makes one want to ask David Simpson how much he “choked the chicken” in his day…or still does.

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  10. Jesus, Mary and Joseph and the ass that took them to Egypt (it’s in the Bible Momma) these people are obsessed with sex.

    This dude is in sore need of remedial classes in Baptist history and American history taught by someone actually knowledgeable in the subjects, NOT some David Barton type.

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  11. UmptyDump says:

    Simpson said, “They’re violating peoples’ most sacred areas of their bodies.”

    He might just know. Maybe he had too many religious experiences when he locked himself in the bathroom as a teenager. Some folks in his church still believe that can do bad things to a person’s brain.

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  12. Bosco Brown says:

    “Simpson filed legislation in the 2011 Texas legislative session to be able to prosecute, what he deemed, “offensive and intrusive groping” searches of private parts without probable cause by the Transportation Security Administration or other security personnel. The bill, HB 1937,[5] passed unanimously out of committee and then again out of the Texas House. The bill had ninety-four co-authors from both parties.[6] However, it failed to be approved in the Texas Senate after the United States Department of Justice threatened to make Texas a no-fly zone were the legislation to be enacted.[7][8]” from Simpson’s Wiki bio

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  13. JJ got me to scratching my head on this guy. So, I did my usual “Google” thing, and looked him up on the Wiki.

    This guy has a wife, and (7) kids. Seven kids. How the heck could that have happened, as uptight as he is about his private parts?

    I’m totally flabbergasted.

    I’d just recommend that if he doesn’t want the TSA to pat him down, he just not fly. Or that he charter a plane to get him to and from. Otherwise, if the rest of America has to suffer the indignity of it all, so does he.

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  14. One thing I find hilarious is the uproar over the body scanners-having been through more than one – I do PREFER the scanners over the wanding – quick, non-invasive and nobody looking at you while the TSA person is doing it~just get in the dayum booth and move the line along – nobody has time or cares to look at winkie or ta-tas~we all have the same parts~sheesh

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  15. Juanita Jean says:

    Bosco – he made it tougher and he filed it again. Sometimes wiki needs catching up. This time, of course, there’s no support – that’s what’s causing the dirty talk.

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  16. I sure don’t want to see it, but his face will be pretty funny looking when he gets his first hernia and prostate exam. Or maybe he’s had it and that’s what’s really pushed him over the edge.

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  17. Simpson is nuts and this legislation is only good for grabbing him a few headlines.

    But I’m tired of the security theater nonsense at the airport, too. The scan equipment registers metallic thread in your clothes and Kleenix in your pockets, not to mention that the safety questions seem to get pushed under the rug. I don’t want to be groped, either, even though the people I’ve seen working at security seem to be decent folks who aren’t in the job to cop a feel.

    We’re wasting resources, annoying travelers, and not making ourselves any safer, not to mention giving useless representatives a platform to waste the legislature’s time on nutty bills.

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  18. Marge Wood says:

    Another reason to stay home this summer.

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  19. Corinne Sabo says:

    Is there any ‘there’ to touch?

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  20. 1toughlady says:

    Maybe his real problem is, he doesn’t want anyone finding out that he’s really a wee willie winkie.

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  21. Oh seriously, my eyes are burning after clicking on his website. There is a comment that says, “just like with Sarah Palin, God has sent us David Simpson…”.

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  22. Thanks, everybody! This is just too much fun! And, Michele, thanks for the website quote. I’m so glad my God isn’t that vindictive — the guy may not have much of a winkie, but he’s got an ego waaaay bigger than Texas.

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  23. MCPO Ret says:

    I wish our ledg. would leave this subject alone. At my age, I go to the airport just for the patdowns.

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