Sweet Jesus on a Cracker. No, Seriously. On a Cracker.
I generally don’t pretend to understand on the mysteries of Sweet Jesus. I really don’t know when he’s coming back and the Bible tells me not to speculate about that so I don’t.
However, I would be willing to bet my best pair of pink boots that he’s not going to announce his coming on a Goldfish cracker.
Patti Burke eats two or three pounds of Goldfish crackers in a week, one by one, looking for the saltiest of the snacks. But only once has she found a sign from God on a little orange cracker.
“When I picked this one up, I knew he was special,” the Melbourne woman said of her Holy Week discovery. “He had a cross on him, and he had a crown circle up by his head. Something I’ve never seen before out of all the Goldfish I’ve eaten.”
Burke couldn’t believe it on Easter Sunday, when her pastor, D. Scott Worth, began talking about fish as a symbol of Christianity in front of the congregation of Presbyterian Church of the Good Shepherd in Melbourne.
Look, I’m not saying that eating two or three pounds of Goldfish crackers a week might mess with your body chemistry and make you see things, but damn, Honey, that’s enough salt to float the USS Eisenhower.
If that is a sign from God, I think God is using a phillip’s screwdriver to tell you to quit eating so damn many Goldfish crackers.
By the way, I have decide that if I’m real good and say my prayers and treat people right, when I die I will go to heaven. If I don’t, I will go on a Valentine Polka Cruise for all eternity.
Okay, okay, before all you polka people got crazy on me, I will admit that I like polka music. For 10 minutes. Once every five years or so.
Thanks to Rick for the heads up.
It’s that yellow food dye!
1No doubt she’s the size of a boxcar, and has brain toxicity from the hair And food dye!
Her neighbors should keep a close eye on her!
“Okay, okay, before all you polka people got crazy on me, I will admit that I like polka music. For 10 minutes. Once every five years or so.”
Too funny! I feel the same way about hand bells and bagpipes.
2She examines every goldfish she eats?????
3Way too much time on her hands, salt in her diet and swelling in her brain!
As the Church Lady says “Well, isn’t that SPE-CIAL?!” and “How con-VEEN-ient!”
4Lordy, Lordy, Juanita Jean, you are so much better on a Sunday than sitting on a wooden bench.
5Polka music is great as long as you don’t listen to it.
6Have to wonder why people never see Jesus’ face in a commode? I’ve seen Dick Cheney and Ted Cruz numerous times. Please, don’t send pics.
7Oh Good Grief on a cracker.
When I was a little kid, my dad & I would dance to Polkas in the living room. Best memories ever. My favorite is the Beer Barrel Polka. Remember, the secret to Polka enjoyment is: the more beer you drink, the better it sounds! Just don’t eat the goldfish crackers.
8She’s her own weekly Sermon on the Mount. Goldfish Crackers are as close as the snack industry gets to loaves and fishes in a single tasty product, and while I’m only guessing, I’d think 2 or 3 pounds of them would amount to about 4000 of the little miracles. If Jesus did finally show up on one, Patti Burke might consider it’s a sign to share some of those 4000 crackers, or at least not eat every single one herself.
9—-ABOVE ALL, DON’T LET HER VOTE.
10Floriduh, it figures.
11The only time I enjoyed polka music was way back in the days of Second City TV with John Candy-Eugene Levy “SCTV on the Comedy Network – The Schmenges” -Enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysZLMXgO5RQ
12Polka
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bEuUJmZUh8
13Polka makes me think of Laurence Welk and my grandparents. What a long time ago that was. Sweet Jesus on a Cracker.
14Ah, how much a part of human nature it is to imagine meaningful signs and symbols from the ordinary. What do you want to bet that the particular cracker got sidetracked in part of the mold machinery that has an X with a circle engraved in it?
It calls to mind the story of the paleontologist, who – aspiring to academic fame and fortune – examined the remains of a mummified body that had been exhumed from a desert tomb. Spying a small cylindrical object in the coffin, he exclaimed, “Mercy, do my eyes deceive me? That looks like the petrified penis of a powerful Phoenician potentate!”
His teenage daughter, who had tagged along on this latest expedition, took a look and sniffed disdainfully, “Curb your enthusiasm, Dad. That looks like a cat crept in the crypt and crapped.”
15I saw this story the other day and my first thought was: Something’s fishy hear! I have to agree with those stating too much salt is being consumed by this gal and an excess of that orange food dye … that crap is bound to cause anyone to hallucinate!
16Remember a couple years ago, the deep South gal that discovered Jesus’ face in the mold on her bathroom wall … right above the tub!?! And they actually put pictures of her filthy bathroom on-line and in newspapers!
It’s heartwarming to know folks are searching so desperately for Jesus to come into their lives … but it boggles my mind that He is coming to them in mold, Goldfish crackers, tacos, toast … you name it … someone has found their Jesus in some food item!! He definitely works in mysterious ways! LOL
For another in a ceaseless progression of conjured religious images:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-virgin-mary-viaduct-stain-chicago
Some folks are still putting out flower bouquets at the site.
My visions were always more secular. Like Jim Steinman, in my youth I was the type who looked for Paradise By the Dashboard Light.
17Anyone remotely acquainted with home repair will recognize that as the mark of a Phillips head screw. Must have been a slight glitch in the assembly line that day.
18Sounds like Rainman, Part 2: the Goldfish Protocol.
The sad things is that they believe in this all-knowing, all powerful deity that created the universe and everything in it… and they seriously think that this Supreme Being would send us signs in black mold and salty snack crackers.
Here’s a being that could use the Aurora Borealis as a giant electric billboard without breaking a sweat – would that being’s chosen instrument of communication really be images on moldy walls or snack food?
19Today we take our text from the 21st Chapter of the Gospel of John.
And yea, verily, the apostles, having nothing else to do now that Jesus was unencrypted, did what most white Christian males do of a Sunday, and that’s go fishin’. Quoth Simon Peter “I’m going fishing.” Thomas went along, although he said, “I doubt we’ll catch anything.” And they took Nathanael, who had been a big fan of Jesus since the wedding at Cana. “Anybody who can turn water into wine is my kind of guy.” And the sons of Zebedee. And a couple of other dudes, who brought beer.
Of course, they forgot that Jesus had made them fishers of men, but the fish didn’t forget, and they stayed in the water and out of the boat, until some guy on the shore called out “catch anything?” Which they admitted they hadn’t.
So the stranger, who had fish radar eons before it was invented said “try the other side.” And the fish fairly stood in line to be hauled in.
And verily, when they were examined, they were found to be 3 or 4 pounds of fish of gold, creepy little goldfish, little fish that smiled at you until you bite their heads off. And they were all marked with an “X.” Which was odd, because Andrew was NOT with them, and had yet to be crucified, anyway. Until they turned it sideways.
Then the disciple Jesus loved who shall otherwise remain nameless except that his name is at the top of every page of THIS gospel said…”It is the Lord!”
As soon as Peter heard this, he got dressed and jumped in the water, which makes no sense, unless he was expecting NOT to get wet. He swam the 100 yards to shore, leaving the others to actually bring the boat in.
“Still haven’t mastered that whole walking on water thing, have we?” Jesus observed drily, in every sense of the word.
“Do you love me?” He asked.
“Lord, you know I do.” Peter answered.
“Feed my lambs,” Jesus said.
“Uh, feed them what?” Peter wondered, still a little creeped out by the whole eat My Body, drink My Blood thing.
“Why, a delicious little snack cracker in the sign of Pisces, because, this is the dawning of the Age of Pisces. There’s a whole boatload of ’em yonder.”
This is the Gospel of our Lord. Thanks be to God.
20Hey, the accordion rocks!! 😉
21I was laughing so hard regarding this that I was crying. That must be a sign from Jesus. I’ll get back to you on that.
22Pass the collection plate for daChipster!
23I always thought that you were s’posed to examine your CONSCIENCE not your CRACKERS! Silly me!
24And Pat Robertson said we don’t have miracles in the US because we have liberal commie universities where we get us an education!
It’s a miracle I tell you a miracle! Jesus’s cross on a cracker.
25Amen, Brother DaChipster!
26Speaking of crackers!
27When I joined the ‘Christian Church’ I did for one and one reason only. I was seven years old.
Every time I attended the regular service, during communion, when the plate of crackers was passed down the row and people were breaking off small pieces, I was passed by. Once I tried to grab a cracker but my Mother slapped my hand and said, “Those are for church members only.” Same with the thimble sized grape juice. I could’nt get any because I wasn’t a member of the church.
I guess there are worse reasons for joining a church, business, meeting possible bunk mates, meeting influential people, and I suppose to save ones soul from eternal damnation.
Getting to eat crackers and drinking grape juice was a good enough reason for a 7 year old.
Try Brave Combo the new age Polka group for Denton, Tx. They make Polka fun. I have been a fan of them for years after getting introduced by a friend that lives in Denton.
http://www.brave.com
They are a Texas band and I am sure you will enjoy their style. Carl Finch the lead is a blast.
Sam in Kyle you are a riot!
28You don’t like Molly B’s polka party on RFDTV? It’s better than Big Joes’ Polka Hour- which I christened ‘Night of the Living Dead’ – not by much mind you. But I have seen people as young as 46 on Molly B’s. I may have even seen a sorta a Latino person on there once.
29It’s Polkacide (San Fran) for me. Eykis, thanks for the reminder about the Schmenges.
30