I generally don’t pretend to understand on the mysteries of Sweet Jesus.  I really don’t know when he’s coming back and the Bible tells me not to speculate about that so I don’t.

However, I would be willing to bet my best pair of pink boots that he’s not going to announce his coming on a Goldfish cracker.

Patti Burke eats two or three pounds of Goldfish crackers in a week, one by one, looking for the saltiest of the snacks. But only once has she found a sign from God on a little orange cracker.

“When I picked this one up, I knew he was special,” the Melbourne woman said of her Holy Week discovery. “He had a cross on him, and he had a crown circle up by his head. Something I’ve never seen before out of all the Goldfish I’ve eaten.”

Burke couldn’t believe it on Easter Sunday, when her pastor, D. Scott Worth, began talking about fish as a symbol of Christianity in front of the congregation of Presbyterian Church of the Good Shepherd in Melbourne.

Look, I’m not saying that eating two or three pounds of Goldfish crackers a week might mess with your body chemistry and make you see things, but damn, Honey, that’s enough salt to float the USS Eisenhower.

If that is a sign from God, I think God is using a phillip’s screwdriver to tell you to quit eating so damn many Goldfish crackers.

By the way, I have decide that if I’m real good and say my prayers and treat people right, when I die I will go to heaven.  If I don’t, I will go on a Valentine Polka Cruise for all eternity.

Okay, okay, before all you polka people got crazy on me, I will admit that I like polka music.  For 10 minutes.  Once every five years or so.

Thanks to Rick for the heads up.