Sign of the Times
I was reading an article last night that talked about family estrangement. The whole idea of estrangement has always been foreign to me. Certainly, there are some family members that you talk to more than others. Obviously, there is a natural dividing line between family we would consider to be close and family that is extended beyond what is reasonable to expect a regular connection with. The folks talking about family estrangement aren’t really talking about that.
In particular, the article I read was focused more on the relationship between adult children and their parents. According to one article, as many as one and four Americans and one in five Europeans reports they are estranged from at least one family member. Again, I’m not sure how that is defined. The focus of the articles seemed to be on parent/child relationships but even that figure in Europe seems high much less the U.S. figure.
Estrangement is a unique thing. It means ties are severed forever. They become persona non grata and that just seems like an extreme measure. Yet, it is not difficult to see why it is on the rise. The politics of the last five or so years have gone from bad to downright frightening. I can’t relate in my own family and yet my wife is estranged from some of her extended family. It has always been the case as long as I’ve known her and as far as I know it isn’t political in nature.
Everyone likes to put this at the door of one man and I suppose that seems natural enough. Yet, that cannot account for the fact that this is happening in Europe as well. I have no idea if it is happening on other continents as well. I suppose that research would be easy enough. There has always been tension between the generations. Go back far enough and you will see quotes about how the new generation just doesn’t get it. They’ve become soft. They’ve become entitled. They’ve become fill in the blank. At any point in history they could have been talking about our own generation.
So, it isn’t that either. Our daughter honestly feels like things will get better when her generation takes over. They weren’t the ones to muck it up. I had to point out that Generation X says that about the Baby Boomers. Yet, enough of us (Generation X) are in positions of power that we now get to own whatever it is that has gone wrong. I also had to point out that the people in her classes that she calls idiots, jackasses, and whatever else will some day be in charge.
Again, that’s all natural and has always been there. This is something else entirely. This is finding out that someone in your family has become so vile and so toxic that we cannot associate with them anymore. I suppose we could say they’ve become that which we loathe, but chances are they always were that and we didn’t notice. Chances are we even saw it and told ourselves we could live with it before. It’s just another brick in the walls that divide us and goodness knows if those walls will ever be torn down.
There has always been estrangement as children become adults and choose not to speak to parents who are manipulative, alcoholic, or physically/emotionally/sexually abusive. Sometimes those estrangements have healed, oftentimes not. And right-wing politics in Europe have certainly created the same family rifts there that they have in this country.
There is, however, one factor that is contributing to the current increase in such rifts and that is social media threads actively encouraging young people to cut-off family members whom they have weighed and found wanting – Facebook groups, sub-Reddits, etc. They’re followed by young people who are angry with their own parents and siblings who firmly believe that their own way of handing issues is the best – or only – way.
While some relationships do need to be ended, the path forward for most relationships is repair, not rupture – negotiate needs, create boundaries…it’s a series of small adjustments leading to real conversation and rebuilding trust.
Off my soapbox. The doctor is now out.
1Hussy, I won’t blame the young’uns entirely for this. The oldsters are as heavily indoctrinated on-line, but seem to have fewer defenses against it. Older people grew up in a time when at least some attempts were made at the Fairness Doctrine, and the media was somewhat independent. That is no longer the case.
I’ve talked to university students who are estranged, and tried to give them some deflection techniques to get through the holidays. If Uncle Cranky starts up with Stop the Steal nonsense, ask him if his old car is still running. Go from there to complaining about how all new cars have touch screens, which make your eyes leave the road to use. Then tell him you may soon have to get progressive lenses, and ask if he finds it difficult when driving with them to focus from distance to the near-field of looking at the speedometer.
Then ask about some distant ancestors. Ask if everyone saw the comet last year, and if they’re going to try to see Comet Leonard this year. Get them off facebook, and onto Google to look up best times to view it.
Anything but politics.
In past years I’d have an open Thanksgiving for students. Originally for international students who cannot practically go home for the 4-5 days, but increasing for students estranged from their parents. What I’ve seen evolving is the parents rejecting the children, more than the other way around. [Unfortunately in these times of plague I’ve had to stop the event, but hope to start it up again next year]
2It happens for many reasons, not always political, and it predates his orangeness (he just brought it to the surface, where it boiled over). We’re taught to believe “blood is thicker than water”, but there are times “blood” family is the very thing that will destroy you. A close friend of mine, brought up in a strict “Christian” family, got tired of living a lie. Came out to her family as lesbian/gender queer. Her two siblings totally accepting and supportive. Grandparents, aunts & uncles, and mom-“we love the sinner, hate the sin”. Her mother told she would always love her, but would rather my friend be a serial killer then a lesbian. WTF kind of religion/parenting is that? It is best for her to remain estranged from the people who would forgive her if she were a female Ted Bundy, but find her unacceptable as a woman who loves another woman. Estrangement from the woman who gave birth to her is my friend’s only chance at living a full and happy life with her wife, one filled with love, not judgement.
3Some estrangements are necessary – students whose parents are toxic, abusive, etc. Others are not – parents who disown LGBT… Others are between siblings – my brother still tried to molest me (he was over 50) at a family gathering. One reason for the increase is that those of us who healed enough to protect ourselves are now telling the younger people that estrangement in order to be safe is just fine. This is all one-on-one mentoring and should continue. No one should put themselves in a dangerous situation, be it physical, mental, or emotional, in the name of family.
4My immediate family are all happy with one another, I am estranged from a cousin. He is of that far right variety. When Obama and McCain were running, we agreed if McCain won, I’d take him for a beer and toast McCain. However if Obama won, he would take me for a beer and toast Obama. I haven’t heard from him since that election!
5I have a daughter, aged 35. Neither I, my sister, nor her half-brother has seen or heard from her in 11 years. My sister could not have children, though she wanted to, and treated my daughter like a queen when she was growing up. It’s unfortunate, but there are some people you’re better off not having in your life, and some of them are related to you. I very much wish it had different, but life goes on. The irony is that any anger I feel toward her is because of the way she’s treating my sister. If I did something wrong, I did something wrong but my sister did nothing but love her and dote on her. My sister, on the other hand, is angry about how my daughter has treated me.
6Did I click the wrong email?
7This seems like Farcebook…
Surly Professor @ 2,
100% effective defenses aginst indoctrination are the absolute bare minimum standard.
8Surly – I love your suggestions, first to last! We are not, as I made clear, talking about molesting/abusive/manipulative family members.
Of course, there are oldsters out there insisting their kids agree with their Q-ness ‘or else’…and, as Anne #3 points out, it’s been like that forever, since long before the Orange Former Social Influencer came on the scene.
What I think Nick is referencing, and what I’m seeing at work is an increasing number of young adults who are being encouraged to cut off family without any attempt at setting appropriate boundaries and negotiating relations which, in many cases, cuts them off from their most reliable support system. Again, NOT talking about abusive/… families, just ordinary families in which there is a difference of opinion on matters of importance, but not of personal identity or safety.
9“I also had to point out that the people in her classes that she calls idiots, jackasses, and whatever else will some day be in charge.”
Seriously, Nick?
10It does sound harsh Jane and PKM, but I suppose my point to her was that horrible people were probably horrible children at one time. I can’t imagine Mitch McConnel being a generous or loving child for instance. One of the things I’ll swear to after nearly 25 years of teaching is that kids haven’t changed much. Oh sure, some curmudgeons will decry the “kids these days” but they really aren’t all that different. Most people are basically good but they are easily led. Each generation has had opportunities to select the very best, brightest, and most virtuous to lead them. We are where we are because of the choices we have collectively made.
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