Satire / Not Satire
It’s getting harder and harder to decide if something is satire or not. So, when I saw this headline, I expected some dandy satire to follow.
Howard Schultz would like me to stop calling him a billionaire because – get this – I am not a billionaire. Schultz feels that only billionaires can call other billionaires … billionaire. You know, kinda like the n-word. He wants me to call him “a person of means” or “a person of wealth.”
I think he ought to be really thrilled that I don’t call him a robber baron or a dragon guarding his hoard of gold.
Surely this is satire so I kept reading. And then there’s a recording. Surely Schultz was being satirical. Until I realized that Schultz has no sense of humor. But, to his credit he’s filled with whacko.
Schultz thinks I’ll be proud that he’s not “beholding” to either party. After his horror at the suggestion that rich people be taxed at a higher percentage, we all clearly know who he is beholding to – but he doesn’t want us to say billionaire, so, you know, problem solved.
Honey, if you want to “walk in the shoes of the American people” you’re gonna need to get rid of billions of dollars.
Poor Howie! He wants to be the next pResident. Other than the fact we seen that act and most of us can’t wait for the ending, Howie’s only avenue to popularity would be giving away his billions. That defeats his purpose of becoming pResident to protect his billions. He has a bit of a dilemma.
1Would Robber Baron work better for you, Howie?
2Poor Howie!
3He’s on my “Needs To Be Shortened List”
Slightly off-topic but I have to vent this news item. A penthouse on Central Park NYC has been bought for $238 million, the most expensive residential sale in US history. The buyer already has a $60 million penthouse in Miami and a $122 million mansion in London, and his MAIN residence is in Chicago– no word on that one. He’s Kenneth C. Griffin. estimated net worth $10 billion, and he’s a “hedge-fund mogul.” As far as I know, that means he just shuffles money around and is basically a parasite on people who actually do things. He probably has to employ three people just to help him figure out how to spend all that damn money, and if there’s a trace of justice in the universe (Terry Pratchett notwithstanding, I can still hope), this guy will be one of the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
Sorry. Back to your regularly scheduled program.
4“Howard Schultz, Rich Bastard” works for me.
5Howie,
6If you’re that touchy about your wealth identity nomenclature, please, I’ll take some of that annoying money off your hands. JJ has my email, you can leave a note for her under the Donate button (above) for contact details.
I can’t say I’ll boycott Starbucks as I gave up on them years ago purely for my dislike of waiting in lines.
Thankfully we have Caribou Coffee and other fine independents in MN.
7The first line of his Wikipedia Bio should read that “He entered the 2020 presidential race to bring the gravitas of H. Ross Perot back to third party politics.”
8He may not be a robber baron but he is definitely a dragon guarding his gold. As that is a good description as he is a self-important drag-on society and does nothing with his gold accept guard it from others, he he can continue to gaze at it!
9Billionaire.
10SMDH Seriously, are the pollsters trolling us or am I missing something? Latest punditry from those who ask questions is that Howie would hurt Democrats. Maybe it’s just me, but wouldn’t another worthless self dealing billionaire be taking numbers from the same two pools as the ***king moron? Those deplorables too st00pid to vote in their own best interests and the oligarch class dedicated to protecting their a$$ets seem to me the more likely to vote for Howie or Donnie.
11Howard “Scrooge McDuck” Schultz said today . . .
12Obscenely rich Howard Schultz said today . . .
Howard “DON’T TOUCH MY MONEY” Schultz, said today . . .
Howard ” I believe in all those good democratic things, except I also like Trickle down economics, so screw you” Schultz said today . . .
Man who actually has as much money as Trump alleges himself to have, Howard Schultz, said today./ . .
Howard Schultz, putz, said today . . .
Howard Schultz, a person of inconceivable wealth, said today . . .
With all that money, he can buy a box seat in hell…
13Sam in Saint Paul: there’s also Peets, and many independent coffee houses; one, Cafe Amore is 2 blocks from me and sometimes I can smell the beans roasting.
14Im pretty sure it was Paula Poundstone who said of Ross Perot when he made that same I’m-not-beholden-to-special interests argument, “Of course he’s not beholden to the special interests. He IS the special interests.”
15Just one of the many reasons why he shouldn’t be let out of the house without a keeper! And he wants to be President? Please! We already have a wackjob in the White House!
16Howard the Duck sure is plagued with First World Problems, isn’t he? Would he prefer “He of the Silver Spoon,” or “Mr. Special Interest,” perhaps “Guy Who Got His, You’re On Your Own”? Maybe his slogan should be, “Move Over Mitt!”?
Sadly for all of us, neither Howard nor The Donald appear to have a wife or children who love them enough to roll their eyes and say, “Inappropriate circumstances.”
Sad.
17On the plus side, at least now we know what happened to the silver foot that Bush used to keep in his mouth.
18What ever! So Howard is a just a millionaire, two thousand and seven hundred times over.
19Forget the billionaire word, it’s clear Howard has a strongly aristocratic bent. Or psychotic as in “don’t you ****** look at me!”
Sam in St Paul, I expect you have some excellent coffee shops across the bridge, or come on over to my side in Mpls.
20Let’s see.
There’s “plutocrat”.
Or “Oligarch”.
Or “ 1/1,000th percenter”.
Or how about “filthy rich dirtbag with monarchic aspirations”?
Or maybe “Peaches”.
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