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If you’ve been sober and awake lately, you’ve heard about Governor Rick Perry’s secret schedule.  It came as a shock to Juanita that Rick Perry had two schedules because it’s been shown that he only works 8 hours a week.  “To be honest, I don’t know if that’s bad news or good news,” Juanita admits.

Rick Perry is a very secretive man about what he does on the taxpayer’s dime.

But Perry, who has touted his administration as open and transparent, has selectively withheld information and fought to keep secret documents available under previous governors. Unlike his predecessors, Perry has fought to keep secret documents showing how he produces a budget, destroys state e-mails weekly, curtails information in his daily schedules and has sought scores of rulings from the attorney general to keep records from being released.

So, naturally, we here at the Beauty Salon got to wondering exactly what Rick Perry does when he’s operating off his secret schedule.

Leave it to Juanita to bribe the right people and get a copy of Rick Perry’s secret schedule.

RICK PERRY’S SECRET SCHEDULE

9:00 – wake up and brush hair.
9:30 – take shower.  Get out and do the Happy Dance in front of the mirror, going woo-woo at my floppy things
10:00 – check classified section for a more expensive rent house with a lot more mirrors
10:30 – call people and randomly ask, “Is it goofy to be a Texas A&M cheerleader?”  Keep score and then deny ever being a Texas A&M cheerleader.
11:00 – ask Karl Rove if I can be President next.  If he says no, charge him with arson and give him the death penalty.
11:30 – shoot something.  Call a press conference.  Tell them I shot two somethings.
12:00 – lunch.  Remind everyone that quiche and queer are not the same thing.  Not at all.  Not.  At all.
12:30 – Send a mailer reminding East Texas voters that “debate” is just a couple of letters away from “masterbate.”
1:00 – practice taking the oath of office without giggling manically every time Roberts says “execute.”
2:00 – do state business
2:05 – rest up and clear the smoke coming from my brain
2:30 – take some children off health care insurance then map out a plan to steal their Halloween candy.
3:00 – call Sarah Palin.  Ask her if she wants to be my Vice President.  If she laughs, charge her with arson.
3:30 – get receipt for the State of Texas from the State Insurance Commission
4:00 – explain to West Texas crowd that Mofo is just shorthand for My Omnipotent Father Overhead.
4:30 – think about doing state business.  Don’t do it.
5:00 – two words: funky time.