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By now everyone has figured out that Governor Rick Perry is running for Vice President, Lt. Governor David Dewhurst is running for Senate and nobody, flat nobody, is running the legislature in Austin.  Well, except for some crazy people in East Texas who believe that Jesus died for your right to be straight, male, armed, and severely undereducated.

Governor Perry’s high dollar political consultants have figured out that Texas now has a whopping 38 electoral votes, making Texas one big ass decider.  The consultants don’t have to sell real-life Rick Perry as a custom option for the Presidential ticket; they just have to sell the 38 electoral votes he could contribute to the national ticket.

Running for Vice President is a tricky deal.  Sarah Palin parlayed it into a chance to get the heck outta Alaska and proudly display glorified rank merciless undiluted ignorance all over the country.  But, then again, who ever heard from Vice Presidential nominee Garret Hobart again?  You didn’t, and that’s my point.

The upside of Perry running for Vice President is that it’ll lower the odds of him wanting to secede from the union.  The downside is oh my God, Rick Perry is Vice President.

The big question then is who is Rick Perry going have to play second fiddle to?  Who will be his running mate?

I have to admit that I was more than a tad sad when Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour pulled out of the Republican Presidential race.   A Barbour / Perry ticket would have coupled the governors of the two states worst at everything good.  It would have been The Double Down Dumb ticket.  Plus, think of the fun it would have been to have a “Hey, Bubba, Hold My Beer and Watch This” campaign slogan.

Donald Trump would be a good fit for Perry – good hair and bad hair on the same ticket.

Rick Perry and the former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee would work.  Imagine them running against Barack Obama as the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Crackers ticket.  Honey, there is not enough fried okra and hush puppies in the world to support that duo.  Plus, I don’t think they’d actually campaign to win – they’d just pray about it.   Loudly, they’d pray in public very loudly because everybody knows God is deaf in one ear and can’t hear out the other.

There’s the Rick Perry / Tim Pawlenty ticket.  Not even a glitter enema would make those two more exciting than the unemployment line.  Hot air balloon races in the dark would be more interesting.

Perry and Mitt Romney wouldn’t work at all because they both look like guys straight out of a Viagra commercial.  No, seriously.  Look at them.  They do. Until they pose in matching bathtubs on a country hillside, that’ll be the Can’t Get It In Gear ticket.  Or the Got It Floored In Neutral ticket, your choice.

Perry / Palin is clearly “2012: The Mayan Apocalypse Ticket”.  Plus, they’d have to hire Allied Van Lines just to haul all their guns and ammo on the campaign circuit.    Imagine the bumper sticker:  Palin / Perry:  We’re Gonna Kill Somethin’.  You Can Cook It.  Yeehaw!

How about Jeb Bush and Perry?  Gently reminding you that Bush and Cheney didn’t finish the job of totally wrecking this country, and by golly, these two fellas can do it because they’ve been practicing.

Momma always warned me to be careful of people.  “Just because his breath smells like bananas doesn’t mean he’s Tarzan,” she would say.  And I guess that’s true for Rick Perry, too.  Just because he has 38 electoral votes doesn’t make him worth electing.