Resolutions For Sale. Cheap.
I do not call them New Year’s Resolutions. I call them casual promises I make to myself that I am under no obligation to fulfill.
Look, before I agree to 2022, I need to see some terms and conditions. I fell for this trick once before in 2019 and I am hesitant to go to the trouble of getting tipsy and blowing little horns if it’s going to be a godawful year, which I have a tendency to suspect it will.
Here’s my starting list:
While I am interviewing for a job, I will keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority.
I will try to overcome my nomophonia (fear of being left without a mobile phone or being in an area without coverage).
I will stop using hashtags before every word on job applications and IRS filings.
Live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.
Turn all my high heel shoes into cozy house shoes. I will also purchase basic woodworking tools: a saw, a hammer, and a big ole tub of Crazy Glue.
Recycle my tattoo “New Year, New Me (Just Kidding)” for the third year in a row.
Never take HomeGoods trips for granted ever again. Linger in the aisles and touch things.
Practice to become the GOAT at sarcasm toward
Keep kicking ass and taking names, because detailed record-keeping is important.
Eat more tacos because … Honey, if you need a reason, you ain’t in Texas.
Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve brushed my teeth.
Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you’ll never find it.
Got any of your own?
Amen to the pants with no buttons or zippers. Those are the work of the devil. If you can find a place to hide weight where you’ll never find it, shout it from the rooftops.
1I’m working on excuses – no doctor, I didn’t lose that weight because last year went by too fast!
2Nomophonia is pure gold!
3You are so good at resolutions, Ms. JJ., we think you should aim your finely tuned sarcasm GOAT on a list of top ten suggested resolutions for conservatives. They need the help.
4Keep coming to this joint for the conversations.
5I’ll call that a continuing resolution.
I’ll start my list after Friday toons. No sense rushing such an important plan. Need to find my list from last year and see if I kept any of them. Thanks for a good list I can use as a starting point, except for the no zippers. At my age and with my BP meds, I really need a good, fast and durable zipper.
6Eat more cookies and chocolate.
7Buy pants and shorts with elastic waists
Having just made my first Irish Cream, I will spend 2022 improving on the recipe.
8I’ve been enjoying my peeks into the WMDBS — in large part due to your example. I think you’ve been living out Judy Garland’s advice: “Be a first-rate version of yourself, not a second-rate version of someone else.”
As for resolutions? I hope you will resolve to follow in the great example of Alice Roosevelt Longworth … She invited a variety of people in and had “a pillow with the words, IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT SOMEONE, SIT RIGHT HERE BY ME.”
And of course the follow-up — when you have those thoughts about people, either from others or from your own thinking, you will share it with the rest of us. GOAT for sarcasm is one of the major delights of this site.
9Great list! Carrie Underwood’s song “Stretchy Pants” is my
10favorite Christmas song!
The only resolution I’ve made for years is to NOT make any resolutions.
11Gamble in UK currency – you’ll lose pounds quickly! (£, of course)
12I resolve to not drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
13You guys ALL crack me up! That’s why I come here multiple times per day.
14Mine is to be more careful of what I say in the wrong places. I just got banned forever from Twitter (sigh.). And I tried (mostly) to be so careful.
15Ted@ 12, thanks man! Now no one needs an explanation of why I threw a shot of whiskey in my hot chocolate this morning, before grabbing a hot shower and a 2 hour nap.
CA and states south of us, we haven’t ended the drought or the water shortage for you, but the snow pack here in the northwestern Sierras is the best in 50 years. This is a GREAT year. One good season won’t end a long drought, but this so much cheerier than the alternative of another slow snow season.
16AK Lynne@14? You? Seriously? You are just fine as you are, no changes necessary. The conservative snowflakes on Twitter need resolutions to grow a hide. With all the conservo bomb dropping and stochastic terrorism they bring to the platform, and YOU are the one banned?
17Excellent choices, Ms. JJ! I’m not making any resolutions until I’ve had a chance to size up the year. I’ll rethink that in the Spring.
18I resolve to move to Mexico City.
19I don’t really need to lose weight, just the pillow-top that spills over the waistband of my jeans. I figure the best way would be to grow another 2 inches, which should stretch it out just enough to distribute it nicely and give me a waist for the first time in…oh….30 years. So my resolution is to grow 2″.
And, since it’s obvious that travel is STILL off the books for 2022, this is the year I will keep my promise to the kids and clear the junk out of my house. After my daily visits to the WMDBS, of course!
20I resolve to stop telling telemarketers “No speaky du English”. Instead I’ll tell them I only speak ancient Akhadian, and any letters need to be in cuneform.
I suggest a resolution for Madison Cawthorn: “I promise to never again refer to my spouse as an earthen vessel”.
They should teach a course on this at Patrick Henry College (his alma mater). Titled “How to Have a Marriage Last More Than 8 Months, or at Least Long Enough to Gestate a Baby.” It would include tips. Like if someone asks how long you’ve been married, do not say “next to forever”. If your spouse asks you if you think they’re getting fat, never respond “compared to what?”
We can come up with lots of resolutions for our favorite Republicans. Like “next year, fewer guns on the Christmas card”. Or “read the bible myself before trying to cram it down everyone’s throat”. Or for Bannon, “take a shower … and don’t put on the same nasty putrid shirt afterwards”.
And for anyone in our premier crime family in politics: “Just shut up already!”
21I’ll go with more brevity…or perhaps that’s what others want for me.
22I’m on board with the pants and high heels resolutions. I resolve to see more of my beloved kids and continue tuning in to the 5 hours of Star Trek channel. I’ve tried not to feel cynical and pessimistic about 2022, but all attempts have failed.
231. Take no prisoners: if my neighbor is acting like a Right-Wing Jackass, let him/her know most pronto. He/she may BE a jackass, but they may simply be unaware of reality. Either way, they need to know.
2. Question them who propose war as the first solution: most have never served, so they shouldn’t be allowed a vote.
24OK, I have a couple resolutions-
25>find a new sticker for my rear truck window- something like “get schmecked trumpf” if I can find one.
>if not, form a startup business to make clever stickers and perhaps tee shirts like the above (which I stole from one of the WMDBS patrons yesterday).
>if I do that, you all will get a significant discount. Like free shipping or something.
In regards to tools for your tool box, I would recommend a pipe wrench and monkey wrench, you never know when to you might need to remove the kitchen sink. The monkey wrench will grant you membership with Edward Abbey although I suspect you don’t need any assistance with creating chaos..
26Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve brushed my teeth.
Ok, my big one is cranberry juice after milk…
27Jane and PKM…thanks for that. I didn’t think I should have been either considering the stuff I see posted there that is way worse than anything I have ever said. I think my comments have generally been along the lines of “Fine, if they want to stay unvaxxed, let them die.” I appealed it and got turned down. I guess it’s okay though as I could use less negative and upsetting news, but I will miss reading stuff from some of my favorites. Fortunately, they are often on Instagram or Facebook, and I can follow and comment there.
28I resolve to convince medical science that women should be allowed two drinks a day, just like men.
29