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“Some days the news is just better than other days,” Juanita grins this morning.

MIAMI — A Texas businessman who admitted evading taxes through Swiss bank accounts with UBS AG was sentenced to house arrest and probation after helping investigators find American tax cheats.

A Miami federal judge put Paul Zabczuk (ZAB’-chuck) of The Woodlands, Texas, on three years’ probation Tuesday, including one year of house arrest. Zabczuk’s attorney says he is paying $832,000 in back taxes, penalties and interest to the government.

“As most of you know, the brains behind the UBS scheme to let millionaires hide money from their fair share of taxes was hatched by former Texas Senator Phil Gramm,”  Juanita explains.  “Not only is Phil one frighteningly ugly person, it is said in Texas folklore that beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.  Phil Gramm is used as the touchstone for that bit of folklore.”

“Phil,” she continues, “is also the reason people warn you that our Texas politicians continue to do damage even after they leave office.”

“People ask me all the time why Tom DeLay isn’t in jail,” she admits.  “Honey, the bigger mystery is why is Phil Gramm still walking around hurting America?”

“You wanna know what I think is sad?  Mr. Zabczuk has the money to pay almost a million dollars in fines, not even to mention lawyers.  I wish, instead, that he didn’t and had to spend some time busting rocks.  House arrest?  Can you even imagine how nice his house is?  Damn, I’d be a criminal, too, if I could get Hilton arrest.”