Oh Tucker. Oh.
Tucker Carlson has a new series he calls Tucker Carlson Originals. I do not even know where to start about his latest hootenanny of pearl clutching horror. Tucker believes that testosterone levels in men are dropping ten percent a decade and it’s gonna cause all manner of earthly destruction.
He has a preview of his series.
https://twitter.com/NikkiMcR/status/1515130557675581442?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1515130557675581442%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediaite.com%2Ftv%2Fwe-regret-to-inform-you-that-tucker-carlsons-new-special-does-in-fact-promote-testicle-tanning%2F
Apparently his solution is for all men to become gay. Let me quote my friend Harris.
I am sitting here next to my gay husband living my gay life reading a gay novel as research for my new gay book…and yet I am not and will never be as gay as whatever is haunting Tucker Carlson’s fantasies.
But I haven’t gotten to the good part yet. And, of yes, there is a good part.
In the preview did you notice the guy standing full commando on a mountain top with something radiating on his winkie? Let me try to be delicate here. Tucker Carlson thinks men should “tan their testicles.”
Yeah, burn their balls. Would I lie to you about this? No, I would not.
And burning balls is the good part, my friend.
Roast those nuts, Tucker! Tucker apparently doesn’t know that excessive heat in. . .um. . .that region of the male anatomy actually reduces fertility. If that’s what he’s worried about, his “solution” will only make the problem worse. Typical Tucker.
1If he’s concerned about men’s junk he ought to crusade against something real. The second most common birth defect in the US is hypospadias, where the urethra appears on the underside of the penis, suspected to be caused by hormone-mimicking substances like phthalates and bisphenol A. Come on, Tucker! Save us from bottled water and environmental chemical exposure before American men all have to sit down to pee.
2Oh how Tucker projects his own masculine fear of sexual decline or how hope I am saying this correctly here–turning gay. Testicle tanning? Spray tanning is quicker and no sunburn.
Carlson has probably never been to a nudist resort or gone skinny dipping.
3Just needs a little uplifting musical score say like the Village People’s tune The YMCA, and then it’s complete…
https://twitter.com/Jstnorv10/status/1515518325182406660?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1515544089109819401%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es3_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fpublish.twitter.com%2F%3Fquery%3Dhttps3A2F2Ftwitter.com2F1CrownofJules2Fstatus2F1515544089109819401widget%3DTweet
4I must say I’ve never been quite as gobsmacked as I am at Tucker’s latest obsession. I wonder when Rupert Murdock is going to decide that enough is enough.
5If Tucker thinks men should burn their balls, what’s the counterpart for women? The Burning Bush?
6Well, it would solve the overpopulation problem of a certain demographic that we could do without.
7I have never seen such abject stupidity from any man trying to dig himself out of the basement closet while managing to dig down two lower levels—making it so very obvious to any sentient being.
Poor awful Tucker.
8If Tucker really wants to help men he should implore them not to have such big tool sheds over their tools – translation for GOP men: lose weight and get rid of the gut.
9He doesn’t believe in global warming but will use it to tan his balls. Wonder if desantis will allow his podcast in floriduh?
10Tucker should ask the pillow guy for marketing tips. MAGA men would buy it up and compare…umm, tan lines.
11Speaking of mister pillow guy, anyone anxious for his big announcement tomorrow that will completely prove trumpf’s election was stolen? Again.
12Wow, with lower testosterone levels there might be fewer rapes! And fewer shootings!
13One can only hope…
Poor Tuckums. When he was trying to play sports, he kept misunderstanding his instructors. He thought they were saying “keep your eye on your balls!”
14Simple mistake.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
15This just illustrates that Tucker and most male listeners are truly “nuts”. I’m sure Trump tried this already, as he is getting nuttier by the day.
16Does Tucker wrap his jewels in bacon. When I tried Rocky Mountain Oysters they were wrapped in bacon.
17Jim Wright on Stonekettle Twitter said Tuckems does really believe tanning his nuts has any health benefits. He just wants an excuse to rub suntan lotion on ’em.
18Tuck-Tucks HAS to do what Vlad the Mad tells him .
19I’m still trying to figure out why the montage has a Mark Zuckerberg look-alike going underwater in a a hot tub.
20Tucker has indeed reached Eternal Nutiness.
21Tucker’s Testicles are located behind the bow tie
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