Brilliantly contrasting himself with President Obama’s plan to Win The Future, Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich is setting as his goal to Patch The Past.

Encouragingly and joyfully looking to his failed past, Gingrich is calling his rearview vision the “21st Century Contract with America.”

Gingrich said his ideas, which he will unveil Sept. 29 in Des Moines, are “very big, and they’re exactly what Abraham Lincoln would have campaigned on.”

Monday night’s campaign stop, at Bent Tree Golf Club, centered on a screening of “A City Upon a Hill,” a documentary Gingrich and his wife, Callista, helped create about the concept of American exceptionalism.

“Yes, you read that right,” Juanita Jean reports.  “Gingrich is campaigning on a platform from 1861 at a private country club.  I seriously doubt there’s anything hopeful here for women or blacks.   On the upside, however, carpetbaggers, plantation owners, and confederate flag makers have reason to celebrate!”

Gingrich being in last place and having a snowball’s chance in Texas of ever winning the nomination still does not reassure the faint of heart that, according to Gingrich, his new Contract With America “will be 10 times deeper and more comprehensive than 1994.”

“Holy crap,” Thelma hollers while running around looking for her civil defense gear,  “you cannot get ten times worse than the Contract With America, at least on this side of hell.  Just trying will cause a hole in the space/time continuum and we’ll all have to go back to wearing pantyhose in August or something.”

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Have you ever noticed that the only time Newt Gingrich looks forward is when he is looking for his next wife?

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.