Lyin’ Ted
Ted Cruz has now had since last November to give thought to his opening salvo against Beto O’Rourke, who has out raised Cruz every reporting period.
Well, here’s Cruz’s opening salvo and you can tell that Cruz put every bit of his creativity and thought into it.
Texas Sen. Ted Cruz’s first shot at his expected Democratic challenger, Rep. Beto O’Rourke? Mocking his name.
As Tuesday’s primaries were closing, Cruz’s campaign released a 60-second radio ad that was a country music jingle prodding O’Rourke for going by “Beto” rather than “Robert.”
“Liberal Robert wanted to fit in, so he changed his name to Beto and hid it with a grin,” the song says.
Okay, so let me see if I have this right. A man named Rafael Edward Cruz who was born in Canada makes fun of somebody’s name?
That’s your best shot, Cruz? Dude, buy a mirror.
But until age 13, Cruz — born Rafael Edward, in a nod to his father and to his mother’s Irish-Italian family — went by the Spanish-language nickname Felito. He changed it to Ted to stop getting teased by kids in Houston who said it rhymed with “Fritos, Cheetos, Doritos, and Tostitos,” according to his political memoir, A Time for Truth.
1Cruz also pulled the old Repub claim that Beto would take your gun. Guns, God and gays underpinning of the Repubs in Texas for years.
2Coprolite, all that and it’s not a bag of chips when it comes to Teddie Crooze’s childhood nickname, Felito. But then how do we state politely what The Mooch said Steve Bannon could do all by his lonesome? Apparently as a boy Teddie had that same talent.
3He should stick to his rendition of Green Eggs & Ham. A high point in his attempt at the performing arts.
4They should debate the issues in Spanish. Beto’s is beautiful. Rafael no conoce nada.
5A Time for Truth. Truth? Rafael Cruz? Truth? REALLY???? You gotta be effing kidding me. Truth and Rafael have never even been in the same area code.
6Google Ted Cruz, dog peeing.
7An oldie but goodie.
I’d love to see a Beto-Ted debate in Spanish (even though I wouldn’t understand it).
8“Dude, buy a mirror.”
He can’t. If he looked into one, he’d dissolve into a puddle of sanctimony and entitlement.
After what we saw during the campaign, this looks like instant replay.
9If Rafael “The Canadian” Cruz wants to make fun of Beto O’Rourke’s name he needs to be reminded that Beto is a born and bred true Texan and not a cheap import from Canada.
My apologies to Canada, most of them and what they send us is really quite good.
10If he were to look in a mirror, he probably wouldn’t have a reflection.
11He gives a bad name to the rest of us Teds.
Signed, Ted Bundy, Ted Kaczinski, and this Ted
12I’ve always suspected that DetesTed Cruz cannot even speak Spanish* conversationally, has anyone ever heard him speaking more than a few words?
* Which may have been part of his CA-CU-IE-IT upbringing, and could have been intentional or just practical (not that there’s anything wrong with that, some of my 1/2 Hispanic kids barely do, most of which was learned in school)
13Well Felatio, at least Beto’s Dad didn’t have breakfast with Lee Harvey Oswald.
14Did we really need further confirmation that Rafael Edward Cruz is a slimeball, no matter what you call him? I don’t think so. I hope Beto O’Rourke wins that election by so much that Cruz will never show his face in public again.
15Why would you wish that upon a perfectly innocent mirror that never did you any harm?
16Colbert had some fun with this:
17http://theweek.com/speedreads/759730/stephen-colbert-parodies-ted-cruzs-betobashing-campaign-jingle-constructively
Radical rightist Rafael wanted to be an ass, so he changed his name to Ted and hid it with a sneer.
18“Texas Sen. Ted Cruz’s first shot at his expected Democratic challenger, Rep. Beto O’Rourke? Mocking his name.”
Yeah, well — mocking worked so well for Trump. So, why not?
19I love John Candy, Christopher Plummer, Martin Short, Lorne Greene (can you believe that Pappa Bonanza was Canadian?), Leslie Lielsen, Ryan Reynolds, Micheal J. Fox, Dan Aykroyd, Phil Hartman, Howie Mandel, Jim Carrey, Keanu Reeve, and Mike Myers. However, all of those wonderful people do not make up for Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz.
20Thanks, Vickie! I really, really loved the last line of Colbert’s jingle — perfect! Thanks again. (I needed a good laugh tonight.)
21Rafael Edward Cruz
Thinks it is a shame
If someone doesn’t use
His whole first name
But “Ted” is what *he* uses
Rafael he knows won’t fly
And Felipe he refuses
‘Cause some kids once made him cry
Chorus: Oh, Felipe Rafael
When you lie you go to hell
O’Rourke has got your number
And you just look dumb and dumber
Teddy’s wife’s at Goldman Sachs
A big bank up in New York
So his comfort nothing lacks
As he laughs at young O’Rourke
He’s got money, he’s got clout
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, WE can vote him OUT
That’s the point of this whole song.
Yeah, Felipe Rafael
When you lie you go to hell,
And O’Rourke has got your number
And you do look dumb and dumber
…………………………….
22Anyone need singable words for their political songs? And this is only a first draft.
I also write tunes, but other people do that better. So generally I use pre-made tunes to get the beat right. This time I didn’t. Grab and go, some genius among you. I’d love to be singing this with a bunch of others someday.
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