Like Walker, Boehner Leaves to Lead
by Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Nowheresville) has announced his resignation from Congress as of the end of next month. Citing the “courage and far-sightedness of Scott Walker,” Boehner says he is stepping aside as Speaker of the House and resigning from Congress so as to lead it from a non-leadership position.
“Look, we’ve screwed this Republican Party thing up royally. The long path from Richard Nixon’s Silent Majority, through Ronald Reagan’s Moral Majority, to George Bush’s Gerrymandered Majority has led us here,” well-known political has-been Boehner said. “We took every crank, Jeebus freak, moron, nutjob, racist, sexist and ammosexual and told them that actually their pathologies were patriotism, just so that they would vote for us and against their economic self-interest.”
“Who knew that if you empowered the delinquents on the short-bus, eventually they were going to want to drive it,” well-known weeper Boehner said, a wistful tear in his eye. “The experiment has escaped the laboratory.”
After the Tea Party metastasized, it was only a matter of time before their scorched earth philosophy came into conflict with the oligarchy wing of the party. “’Compromise’ is a dirty word, a communist word, an anti-Jesus word,” said Senator Ted Cruz, well-known political arsonist. “The tyranny of the majority, the oppression of reality, the fascism of democracy: these must be replaced with non-metaphorical versions of tyranny, oppression and fascism, for America to return to Our Founder’s Vision of Freedom™.”
Speculation has run rampant over who might become the new Speaker, with several prominent House members from across the political spectrum to the right of Boehner being mentioned. One surprising name has also been thrown into the mix: Ted Cruz.
“I see no reason why Ted Cruz can’t be President, Senator and Speaker of the House, all at the same time. There’s nothing against it in the Bible OR the Constitution,” said well-known quitter, Bible expert and Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin. “Heck, I should be Chief Justificator of the Extreme Court and Homecoming Queen.”
“See, this is just the type of nonsense we need to fight,” said Boehner, who is well-known for running from fights. “Therefore, I am running away, like Scott Walker did, to fight the demise of our party from somewhere over there, on the sidelines.” As he said this, Boehner waved in the general area of several well-known Washington bars. “It’s where I do my best work.”
This was well written, and well thought out, so I know no Republicans were involved in its creation. Don’t let the door hit your drunk ass on your way out, Boner. I hope the monster you helped create scares you even further out of your mind.
1And the choir says “Amen”.
2Rather a lovely day……….
3Excellent post
4So, that is what happens when Nancy says no, eh John?
5If Boner was capable of introspection and had a conscience,these would be his exact words,Primo.
6You welcomed the loonies in and they took over. What a surprise. Now we’re all stuck with them.
7Gallant patriots, every one.
8This era should be known as Boehner’s Insane & Ignorant Majority.
9He didn’t realize what the Tea Party would come up with.
10If enough non-insane Republicans abstain, or cast “protest votes”, maybe Nancy Pelosi can get elected Speaker.
Hey, stranger things have happened…
11So this is why was crying yesterday during the Pope’s ear-beating of Congress? I kinda think it was. He is not the kind to resonate with the Pope’s message. Seriously, folks, don’t expect to see the Orange Man dedicate the rest of his life to working at a homeless shelter or delivering Meals on Wheels. He was probably thinking that it took him 20 years to get Pope to visit Congress and now that such a great and gallant quest was over, he was over and on a high note. And besides, why not give the Pontiff’s address to the U.N. come good old American competition by announcing yer resignation at the same time and on main stream media. Buh bye, Boehner. Yer off the Christmas card list.
12Walker was saying god talked to him in church and asked him to withdraw for the good of the party. He didn’t say if it was Chuck or David god,though.
13Boehner needs time off to deal with Charles and David about the future of his tar sands certificates. That’s enough to drive a man to drink and John only has two hands.
RepubAnon, Rep. Pelosi becoming Speaker again isn’t strange. It’s a real possibility. The only items passing in the House have been when she counted the votes, as in did Boehner’s job for him.
14Um… let’s see… um… er… buh-bye?
15Is Donald Trump hiring?
16Orange is the new QUITTER!
The Cheetos bandito has Fritos on his Speedos?
17My great fear is that one day soon we will look back upon John Boehner and realize he was one of the “reasonable” ones.
18“The experiment has escaped the laboratory”.
19Thanks, Primo, for one hilarious account of the Wreck of the Bagger Bus.
I guess my invitation to Boner’s pity party got lost in the mails. No worries, I’ll drink a glass of Wild Turkey in his honor tonight.
20That is some primo entertainment, Primo! If they castigated Obama for leading from behind, what would you call this new GOP leadership fashion? I thought Snotty was simply imploring his fellow irrelephant presidential candidates to get out of the way–not the party “leadership.”
21Good riddance! It will give his tea bagger replacement time to really crank up the loonie for 2016. I don’t buy the semi-graceful exit. He was crying yesterday, possibly from guilt. Guilt over a pregnant girlfriend or fear of the irate parents of an underage boyfriend? Has he been using campaign funds to pay his green fees or his bar tab? I don’t think we know the whole story yet. Speculation should be nastily rampant. Benghazi, Benghazi!
22Bravo, Primo!
23Bravo Primo! Tomorrow have fun with Louis Gohmert’s claim that he his qualified to step up to the plate.
24Oh my gawd. What excellent snark. Is Hunter from DailyKos moonlighting? Juanita – you made a great pick. Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo, IMHO you have won the award for the greatest article about Boehner today!
25Hollyanna, kudos for “irrelephant”. In the fullness of time we might regret all the bad things we said about Boehner: we wanted him to shit, but not actually get off the pot. Sorry for the language, it’s American.
26The man who took the podium to announce his resignation from the Speaker’s position, from the House as well, was a supremely happy man. A man from whose shoulders a great load had been lifted. I have no wish to discredit Boener. He has always been one of the more reasonable voices in the House.
27I believe that he took Pope Francis’ admonitions to heart as should all the rest of us including the loose cannons in Congress who wish to play fast and loose with the lives, security, health, and wellbeing of everyone in this nation. As Pogo said, “we have met the enemy and it is us”.
I’m betting that the RWNJ’s in the House will declare that Kevin McCarthy who claims to be a conservative is not conservative enough, in fact, a RINO and unfit to the Speaker. They will try to nominate someone who is totally resistant to his medication and still freaks out even when asked the time of day. In all, the Rethugs and going down the drain and without even realizing it. However, someone has to be around to declare them dead and plug the drain lest they find a way to crawl back to the floor of the House and create more chaos.
28How funny they always say it’s Obama who is leading from behind. I think Gee Wiz Sarah Palin started a tread in quitter and leading from behind.
29I think Louie Gohmert should run for Speaker. Can you imagine the havoc he could create? That would almost surely guarantee that the Democrats would retake the House majority.
30Zippy-do-da, Bonehead Boehner finally figured out the TPers but I would say the Pope had a hand in this decision to step down earlier than thou even though Johnny insists otherwise. The polarization, the Pontiff pointed out is evident in the tone of CONservative talk show hosts, one about as bad a Michael WEINER, better known Mikey Savage, when he claimed the left would ALWAYs say something bad about CONs with a caller who was “translating what the Pope said” to this CONjerk talk show host, who liked Benedict 16 than the current pope. This host couldn’t argue a point with the reasonable caller. This is what Boehner has had to deal with until the end of next month.
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