Sometimes I worry that if I really – no, honestly really – go nuts, who can I go see about that?

I mean, most psychologists I know are floating around on glossamer wings as it is, so confronted by someone with even the most obvious mental health issues, they get too hot not to cool down.

Case in point:  Dr. Keith Ablow.  I am told that is not a made-up name.  Somebody is even willing to swear to it.

Ablow: Psychiatrist to Fox news

Dr. Ablow works for Fox News.  Okay, right there off the bat, you gotta figure something’s wrong.   I mean, this guy stood there and watched as Glenn Beck melted into a pile of cognitive dissonance right there on your electric teevee screen, and apparently did nothing.

But, then there’s this:  Dr Ablow thinks Newt Gingrich is super delux and on sale right now and would be a great President because … get this … not one, but three women found him worth mating with.  Holy cow!  I never even thought of it that way.  But then again, I’m not certifiably crazy.

Oh no, I am not making this up.  It’s so insane that even Fox News had to put the word “really” in the headline:

Newt Gingrich’s three marriages mean he might make a strong president — really

And what follows is the stuff that mental health hospitals deal with everyday.  Delusions.  Dr Ablow writes with what I sincerely hope is not a sharp object —

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.

Wait a minute!  Wait a minute!  Wait just a damn minute!  Is Dr. Ablow suggesting in any possible way, shape or form that I am anything, and I mean anything, like Callista Gingrich?  That the two of us want any of the same things?  Because if that’s what he’s saying, he’s looking at a swarm of this really mad woman upside his head.

And Dr. Ablow thinks Marianne wanted to make Newt’s “life as painful as possible?”  Where the fool tarnation did that come from?  Newt’s moon base?  Dr. Ablow, Honey Honey Honey, women who do not want to be in a threesome with their husband’s ho are not necessarily being mean.  Sometimes they’re just being realistic – I mean, how does one dress for such things and where do the thank you notes go?

And where does Ablow get the idea that Newt is “not exactly her equal in the looks department.”  That I agree with.  Newt is a whole lot better looking than Callista.

Ablow’s next argument is proof of that glossamer wing thing.  He says that Newt had to deliver “incredibly painful truths” to two wives.  And … it’s coming so take cover … that would be the exact same thing Newt can do to Congress, because he’s had experience at it.  Oh Lord, I could not make that up, but if I could I’d be famous.

This guy’s a psychiatrist.  Johns Hopkins. They let him talk on television.

So Newt would be a great President because he’s been married three times?  I would like to introduce Dr. Ablow to Junior Janochek, Jr., half owner of the Pixie Pins Miniature Bowling franchise, a family entertainment opportunity that just hasn’t taken off as expected but if miniature golf worked, so can this.  Junior, Jr. also sells Amway and Avon products with just slightly overdue expiration dates.  He has the largest velvet Elvis painting collection in Southeast Texas.  People come from Southwest Texas just to see it.  He’s been married 4 times and will be announcing his Presidential intentions as soon as he can get Dr. Ablow to clear some underbrush for his campaign.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.