It’s Charles and the Signs Charmingly Again
Most of ya’ll remember Charles from the T-post and cow story back more than 2 years ago. If you weren’t here then, go back and read it because this story will be better if you know Charles.
It’s sign-putting-out time again and Charles is pitchin’ in to help. This time he didn’t have any cow trouble but he did have grumpy ole sumbitch trouble.
Yesterday, Charles got permission from a guy who owns a house on a busy street in town to put 4 by 8 foot signs in the front yard. The man, Mr. Mata, recently moved out of the house and is fixing it up to rent it out and being a good Democrat, he figured that was a great thing – having Democratic signs on a busy street.
So, Charles borrows Marsha’s truck (Marsha is the retired parole officer who tends to Truman and the house when I’m outta town) and hauls over about 4 of our local candidate signs and spends the better part of an hour putting them in Mr. Mata’s yard.
This morning, they were gone. As in got raptured gone. Not a trace.
Charles looks around and sees if he can find evidence that they left a suicide note. Not a damn thing. Just gone.
Charles stands there for minute trying to decide if he should be angry or confused. Just as he’s settling on confused – Charles is a Christian man so angry doesn’t fit snugly on him – he looks up and sees the signs about two houses down in the driveway. Charles ambles down to the house and knocks on the door, where he comes nose to screen door with what he describes to me as a 70 year old white guy with a pony tail.
Charles introduces himself and begins to explain that those are his signs and he wants them back. People in politics know that those signs are expensive.
The Grumpy Ole Sumbitch says he took those signs down and intends on keeping them down. Charles wonders if a mental health professional might need to be called.
Charles tells him that’s not possible because they aren’t his signs and that’s not his yard they were in.
The Grumpy Ole Sumbitch says, “I’m a Republican and I don’t want to look at those signs so I took them down.” Now Charles knows for a fact that a mental health professional needs to be called because why the hell is a 70 year old man with a ponytail a Republican?
Charles says, “Well, I’m taking my signs and putting them back up, and you can quit looking at them.”
The Grumpy Ole Sumbitch growls a little at Charles but sees that Charles, although soft spoken, is carrying a t-post pounder, which is a big ole heavy piece of metal with handles on each side that you use to pound t-posts into the ground.
Charles gets a little scared by the growling so once he gets the signs back, he heads over to Bubba’s office which is about three blocks away. Bubba ain’t a soft spoken man so proceeds to go with Charles back to the Grumpy Ole Sumbitch’s house to tell him how the cow ate the cabbage. Grumpy Ole Sumbitch won’t come to the door with Bubba, Attorney at Law, standing on his porch hollering to get his thieving butt out here right now.
So, Bubba and Charles go back to Bubba’s office where Bubba’s lovely secretary types out a letter saying, “You have been warned, you Grumpy Ole Sumbitch. Keep your Grumpy Ole Sumbitch hands off our signs. We know the phone number of the police and know how to dial it.”
Charles takes the letter back and puts it on his door. Bubba mails a certified copy to the Gumpy Ole Sumbitch. By now Bubba has his name and date of birth because Bubba is good at this lawyer stuff.
Charles puts the signs back in Mr. Mata’s yard and Christianly overcomes the natural urge to moon the Gumpy Ole Sumbitch watching out the window.
About twenty minutes ago, Bubba gets a call from Grumpy Ole Sumbitch saying that the signs were on his property when he took them down. Bubba says, “That’s a lie because I took Mrs. Bubba up to see them last night and she was proud of how nice they looked on the busy road. She even took a picture.” (I told you he’s good at this lawyer stuff.)
So, Grumpy Ole Sumbitch, knowing he’s been caught stealing, lying, and practicing Republicanism, says, “Well, keep your darkie off my property.”
It takes Bubba a few ticks of the clock to figure out what he means by “darkie.” At first, Bubba thought maybe that was a body part, as in, Keep your butt off my property.
Charles is African American.
You know the glue that holds Bubba together? It melted. It took a five buggy afternoon prayer meeting to keep Bubba from going over there and calling Grumpy ole Sumbitch out of his house to see which one one them bruises the easiest.
Bubba is calmed down some now but you can bet your patoot that a dozen more signs are going in that yard. And the biggest damn Obama sign in all of damn Texas is going there as soon as Bubba can get one, dammit.
Bubba’s also very good at settlin’ a score.
Great story, and three cheers for Charles and Bubba! (I’ll go moon Mr. Sumbitch, if you’ll give me his address.)
BTW, the link to the cow story is mangled, and thus doesn’t work. It should be
1https://juanitajean.com/2010/03/22/cow-shooting-with-charles/
JJ, on your link I get a _server not found_ don’t know if my server prob or not. Would really like to read the other article though.
2As to Bubba, good on him. My BP is such that I try not to get really irate but this idiot would have sent it way up for sure.
Ohhh, I want to see pictures of the “biggest damn Obama sign in all of damn Texas” when it gets put in the ground to tick off (cleaned that up cause I’m a grandmotherly type) the Gumpy ole Sumbitch.
3I’m not a religious person but I mean this sincerely: “God bless Bubba.” Let us know if Bubba needs some extra squeeze to get that humongous sign.
4By their hands ye shallst know them.
Find an industrial supply house. (I use MSC industrial). Get a couple of large tubes of Dykem brand “High spot blue”. Its essentially thin vaseline with a permanent blue dye mixed in. Its harmless. (might even be edible these days) It never dries out, and the dye is really REALLY permanent. As in get it on your hands, and you have to wait for the skin to flake off permanent.
This stuff is used by machinists when they need to get parts fitting together well. (as in flat to 0.0002″). It was also used back in the day when all phones belonged to Ma Bell, were black, heavy, and had a round thing on the front, to give the foreman “Blue ear”. (It is required before you can leave the ranks of journeyman tool and die maker, that you develop deep cynicism, and a deft hand at the practical joke).
Anyhow, it should blend nicely into the background blue of your signs. Wear protective gear when applying. (but you work with dye all the time, and know that).
5I luv me some Bubba!
6And the world appreciates his score settlin’ – thanks for fighting the good fight, Bubba! And thanks for telling us all about it, JJ!
7President George W. famously said, “They hate us for our freedom.” He didn’t specify, but I believe that would include lawn signs.
8Random J. Nerd, I am awed to the point of round-eyed silence. Well played, sir. Well played!
9Does this idiot not realize he’s treading on thin ice? Even his fellow Republicans are smart enough to couch their bigotry in more socially acceptable terms. Way to go!
10This is a great story. Now, for something totally disgusting that left me totally flabbergasted. We were driving home from Houston, on the 59 feeder road heading towards Grand Parkway/Crabb River Road, and pass a pickup with a “F@#$ OBAMA” sticker on the rear window.
Really?! Have we fallen that far as? And you have to wonder what someone like this would do if there “chosen” was disparaged similarly.
11…as a society?
12Good job, Bubba! This is one of the worst. Please let your readers know if Bubba could use a little cash for the signs or if Charles could use a bit of extra cash. I’m in. The hatred in this country absolutely astounds me — I don’t know what the hell happened while I was raising kids and grandkids, but it doesn’t make me happy. Go Bubba and JJ!!!!
13I bow to Charles and Bubba. Dedicated democrats not willing to take crap off of weasels with ponytails.
14Years ago, my neighbor across the street (not directly, that’s another story) told me that somebody would swipe my signs from my yard. Oh, I said. Yeah, he said. Somebody took MINE last election. Of course, he mused on, it was a 4×8 sign. So I only do little signs.
15The old gray-haired, pony tail grumpy guy.
Probably not so much “Republican” as “Tea-Bagger”. Most of them are old, gray, and grumpy.
Charles, Bubba, and Mrs. Bubba…….. Way to Go!
16Dude. I’d totally chip in to help buy the biggest Obama sign they make. Because an asshole (sorry, Momma) like that deserves it.
Maybe a floodlight below the sign so it’s lit all night as well? As bright as local ordinances will allow, naturally.
17On the other hand, there is a auto repair shop on HWY 528 that has a punching bag sitting right in front that has a picture of President Obama wearing a basketball uniform on it. I believe in free speech. I really do. But I keep having these evil thoughts. Thoughts about my husband’s old bb gun…
18BTW, did I mention that it was one of those blow-up punching bags and would deflate if punctured. So a bb gun would not really be necessary. Manicure scissors would work. But like “the Duke” said in” Maclintock” I’m not going to do it.
19Bless Bubba and Charles. And thanks for the story. It is hard to think of people being so mean.
Don’t mean to jack this thread but,
Random, do you know anybody who can fix Western phones, or sells them? I can’t find anybody anymore who can hum dial tone.
20Okay, I’ll admit it, should have read the cow/schoolkids/police story first. Being a person who lives in a rural area where cows, tractors, horses, kids, people on 3-wheelers roam about freely even if there surely are “laws” against this activity, I go with Charles “that police officer was not from around here”. HolyMoly that was hilarious.
21Y’all have more fun than any bunch of Democrats I’ve ever seen. Wish I could sell this barn up here in Champions, South Dallas so we could come down there for a closer encounter.
Nobody up here has a sense of humor.
As a card carrying, Harris County certified sign remover, I just get to take down all the republican signs in the ROW.
22Classic Susan and vintage Bubba.
23“Your darkie”???? WTF. There is so much wrong with that statement I couldn’t even begin to address it. And they wonder why we think they are racist. Sheesh!
24I hope the Obama sign has the President’s picture on it.
25Sounds like this Sumbitch is the inspiration for this book:
26http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Matter-White-People-Golden/dp/1118141067
and again…
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rosiegray/rick-santorum-says-smart-people-will-never-be-on
27HHmmmm…I switched over to Google Chrome and my first post missed the mark or got lost regarding this particular tale, so I will repost.
Thanks Juanita, for giving us the upside of the lowdown on grey-haired ponytailers who are grumpy and mean – Great LAWYERING, Bubba and terrific DEMOCRATTING, everybody, particularly Gentleman Charles. We need more like you here in Tennessee.
28GOS better be careful he doesn’t end up spending a long night in jail, which may have some folks there that he probably doesn’t spend much time with. He might have plenty to be grumpy about after that.
29