This is a true story.  I was a reporter assigned to cover a Rosenberg City Council meeting because I was in trouble again.  You cannot imagine the amount of trouble I got into as a reporter … well, maybe you can … and was sent to cover city council meetings as punishment.

So, the council was deciding on buying some new equipment for the fire department.  The fire chief had prepared a need list and a want list.  The things on the need list were the things he absolutely needed to put out fires and protect his fire fighters.  The want list was to include things he wanted but didn’t absolutely need.  You could, after all, push a fire truck to a fire if it was so old that the motor wouldn’t start.

On the need list was a 60 foot ladder extension for a new firetruck.  One of the councilmen asked why the city needed a ladder for a six story building when the tallest building in town is three stories?

The chief honestly and sincerely replied, “Because you never know.”

Think about that one.  When he was met with quizzical looks, he dug deeper, “You don’t.  You just never know.”

Well, except sometimes you do.

For example, I know for a dead certain fact that the coroner of Sharp County, Arkansas, is highly unlikely to ever get guff from his customers, discounting, of course, a major zombie attack.

Doug Wortham used a Defense Department giveaway program for law enforcement to stock his office with an assault rifle, a handgun and a Humvee – even though the people in his custody are in no condition to put up a fight.

They’re dead.

Wortham is the Sharp County, Arkansas, coroner. He says the Humvee helps him navigate the rugged terrain of the Ozarks foothills, but he struggled to explain why he needs the surplus military weapons he acquired more than two years ago.

“I just wanted to protect myself,” he said.

How about a Jeep and a surgical face mask?  I’m tellin’ ya, he should have mentioned the zombie thing.

But that’s just the beginning.

Military-grade weapons have gone to government agencies that enforce gaming laws at Kansas tribal casinos and weigh 18-wheelers in Mississippi, to the Wyoming Livestock Board and the Cumberland County Alcoholic Beverage Control Board in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Other military surplus items have been bestowed on an animal control department in Cullman County, Alabama; a harbormaster in Dartmouth, Massachusetts; and the California Assembly’s Sergeant-at-Arms.

What the hell is the punishment for buying a tasty alcoholic beverage at 2:01 am in Fayetteville, North Carolina?  If they need military grade weapons to enforce it, remind me not to bar hop in Fayetteville, North Carolina.

They have unruly tribal casinos in Kansas?

Okay, I totally get the California Assembly’s Sergeant-at-Arms, because you never know.

Y’all, can’t we get the defense contractors to start making something useful to give away?  You know, like schools or big ladders?

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.