I am the Mother of a Transgender Child in Texas. We Need Your Help.
My son – Let’s call him Elliot for privacy’s sake – was born in 2007. For four days the doctor tried to induce labor, to no avail. During what was to be the last exam before they stopped trying to induce labor for a few days, my water broke. Several hours later, as the nurse was checking my progress, my husband made a joke. I laughed and out came Elliot, right into the nurse’s hand, without a single push.
Elliot was a wonderful baby. He was very serious. By 3, he could converse with adults easily. By 4, he could read. At age 7, he read all 7 of the Harry Potter books in 3 months. My husband and I weren’t sure that he would read the last book without having nightmares, but, I’m a librarian by education and I quite simply am never going to tell a child they can’t read a book that they have the ability to read. He was ok. He cried, just as I did, at the ending of book 6. He rode that wave of grief all the way through book 7, and the Battle of Hogwarts. This awoke in him a steadfast advocate of justice. No injustice was too small to ignite righteous outrage in this boy.
When he got to middle school, he was accepted into the National Junior Honor Society (NJHS). He kept his grades up and performed twice the number of required hours of community service. He did everything from picking trash up off the road, cleaning the local Democratic Party office where I volunteered, and collecting peanut butter for a local food bank.
When the invitation came for the NJHS award ceremony, Elliot did not want to go. It was a formal dinner, you see. He really hated wearing dresses. He didn’t understand why he was supposed to wear one. He was a guy, and guys wear suits. The problem was, everyone saw him as a girl.
You see, my son Elliot was assigned the female gender at birth. Throughout his life, he focused on doing all of the things he loved, mostly wearing t-shirts and comfortable pants. He knew, from the time he went to pre-school and got sent to the girls bathroom, that everyone had it all wrong. But he didn’t know the words or have the courage to tell anyone.
Elliot went to that NJHS banquet wearing a suit. Parents and students alike that had known him his entire life agreed: he had never looked happier. He was glowing. He was exuberant and when the kids started to tease him, with twinkles of amusement in their eyes, he laughed deep belly laughs that echoed off the school gym walls. “You look like a Presidential Intern!” one kid said, while another picked up his trumpet and made a decent attempt at playing “Hail to the Chief.”
From that day forward, Elliot changed. He had always had a boyish taste in clothes, but it was not just that. One night, just a few weeks after wearing the suit, he asked us to sit down at the table.
“Here it comes,” I thought. “She is going to come out.”
And he did. “Ok. I’m just going to say this. My – my – my pronouns are he/him and I’m transgender.” His shoulders shook with emotion. A tear sprouted from his eye. “And I’d like to be called Elliot.”
His father and I both reached out. I placed my hand on his, and my husband placed his hand on his shoulder. “Ok,” his dad said.
“Ok, honey,” I said.
We talked for about an hour. We asked questions, he asked questions. We told him we would support him absolutely. We found a doctor that provides gender-affirming care. Many people who call gender-affirming care “child abuse” think that means surgery and hormone treatment. They’re wrong. Mostly it’s just a doctor that treats you like a human if you’re a teenage boy who happens to be going through trouble with his periods. It’s a doctor that swabs your throat for strep without any comment about gender at all. And when the time comes, it’s a doctor that helps the patient when time comes to transition and live the life they’ve always dreamed of.
I’ve lived in Texas long enough to know that half the state has decided they hate my son, and me by extension. Hell, half of my extended family proudly condemns anyone on the LGBTQ spectrum. I have done my best to shield Elliot from this, but there is only so much I can do.
The day I read about Abbott’s order, mandating doctors and teachers report to Child Protective Services the parents of any transgender children, I was full of fear and righteous outrage. The state wants to have the ability to investigate my child’s private parts to make sure that we haven’t altered them. They want to look at their medical records.
I imagine that this enforcement will lead to, somewhere in Texas, a child pulled out of their family’s home by CPS until the case can go up the appeals court. A private group for parents of transgender children in Texas rallied together to share GoFundMe’s for families that fear for their children and need to flee from the state as soon as possible. Elliot came home and told me that one of his teachers promised to never, ever report him. Imagine a child needing to hear that! At an age where every child is finding their place in the world, Texas Republicans through word and deed tell these kids they don’t have one.
Last month, Children’s Hospital in Dallas closed their Genecis clinic to new patients – the only clinic in the southwest that had a gender-affirming care clinic. Conservative Texas politicians and activists targeted the clinic, going after the hospital system’s board members with protests and accusations of child abuse.
Had they asked, they’d know that the Genecis clinic did not, at any age, provide medicine or procedures that are irreversible. Trans children are often given puberty blockers or hormones that stop being effective if they miss a dose.
There is no abuse going on. Texas doctors are doing their best to give these children the gender-affirming care they need because Transgender children have sky-high suicide rates. Simply seeing them and treating them with kindness is all the physicians need to do to uphold their oath to do no harm.
The decision to close this clinic does clear harm to children. It’s evil, and it’s cruel. How can Republicans claim to be for small government when they want to investigate a kid’s genitals?
Texans need to put a stop to this obnoxious race to be the most racist, bigoted, mean governor in the country.
My family will be ok. I can work from anywhere in the world, and we have the means to pick up and move somewhere safe. But I don’t want to. I am Texas. Elliot is Texas. We shouldn’t have to leave because the government doesn’t like the way we parent. It’s not abuse to let your kid explore who they are. It’s not abuse to let your child live life the way they were meant to, the way that makes them happy. Trans children harm no one.
I should also mention that there is a huge right-wing movement in North Texas right now to ban books. Any book that involves LGBTQ subject matter, or even just characters that happen to be LGBTQ and also do things like save the world or make a new friend. They’re trying to ban books about Black history. Books like Peaceful Fights for Equal Rights, We the Students, Supreme Court Cases for and About Students, and This Book is Anti-Racism. We can’t have kids reading this kind of liberal nonsense, now, can we!?
I implore each and every Texan that reads this to please contact your state rep, your US Rep, your local school board, city council, literally anyone in power in your local area, and condemn this ridiculous order from Abbott. Throw in opposition to banned books, please. School board meetings are open to the public and you have a right to be heard, even if they won’t let you read the books that tell you what your rights are.
Abbott’s memo also prohibits circumcision, as that procedure removes functional tissue.
1First of all,my heart goes out to you and your family having to deal with this intrusive, “everybodybutmephobic”, straight up ignorant crap. We seem to have adopted a political leadership that spends their days looking for ways to divert attention to their own failings by chasing a new “squirrel” every day, regardless of the hurt it may cause. I wish you and your family the best and I pray that rational thought can somehow outlive the crazyness around us now. Also, thank you thank you thank you for “being Texas” and not giving up and moving away. I’m Texas, old retired white guy with a wife of 48 years who, somehow along the way, got taught that individual rights and decisions belong to the individual and not to the “I know better than you do” leadership in OUR state today. We ALL need to stay, we ALL need to call BS when called for, and, hopefully, WE can bring back the state we used to love.
2I recently read a book by Laurie Frankel titled “This Is How It Always Is”. It’s a story about a woman, her husband, and their five boys. At age five, the youngest tells his parents that when he grows up, he wants to be a girl. The story follows the challenges/experiences Poppy and her family endure over the next five years.
As in the post above, this child had a supportive family. Even her brothers in the book were in support.
I had no idea all there was to being and raising a trans child. Incredibly, in real life, trans peers seem to often be much more mature and understanding than many adults — like Ken Paxton & Greg Abbott.
“Child abuse” as it relates to trans people is denying them their true identity. These politicians are dangerously and recklessly wrong.
A note about the author of the book I mentioned: while the book is not a biography, her daughter in real life is trans having transitioned during first grade.
Here’s a great article about her daughter — much more refreshing than what the Texas GOP would have you believe: https://people.com/health/novelist-laurie-frankel-transgender-rights-op-ed/
Kudos to Jet Harris for your great post.
3The sheer cruelty of the GOP these days is mind-blowing. Anything to own the Libs and pandered to its ignorant base is on the table. I was born there but caught the first thing smokin’ when the opportunity arose and I’ve never regretted leaving.
4What Constitution does Abbott follow? If his memo is carried out, it sure seems like the basis for a lawsuit that would be hard to defend by the state of Texas.
5Well said, Joe is Texas too. I wanted to write almost everything you did. My exception is that I may live in Texas but I am not a Texan even after over 40 years here. I can’t claim to be a Texam because of the politics of hatred and bigotry. When I retired, I thought about moving, but I can’t afford the places to which I’d like to move. I’ve been an independent all my life but find myself always voting for the local democrats just to stop the hatred. I taught for 50 years and am proud to be someone who has supported the LGBT… community. I have a gay guy who calls me Grandma Sue, and a trans now he who calls me Mom. Both of them were disowned by their right wing, supposedly Christian, families. I’m proud of both of them and love them dearly. I’m sorry CPS won’t consider throwing out LGBT… children as child abuse because it is.
6There is a child at our church who is transitioning from male to female. She is starting high school now, and seems so much more at home in herself. She has always been smart, polite and nice (at least as teens can be), but there was an awkwardness and tension as a boy. What stage of this transition she is in, I don’t know and haven’t asked as I feel it’s not my business. I wish Abbott, Patrick and others could understand that concept as well!
7More anti-science from the right. Gender is far from cut and dried, either or. For example, young man of my acquaintance was found in his early teens to have androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS) which occurs in 1 in 20,000 to 64,000 births (wikipedia). He was labeled male at birth, but never fully developed male characteristics. So where does he fit in their biblical view? (He’s now married to another guy and one of the kindest and most creative people I know. He also lives in a sublimely blue state that accepts differences usually with grace.)
8Thank you so much Jet for advocating for your son. As I said in my piece, it will be a cold day in hell before I do something purposefully cruel to a kid I teach or their parents. While our situation is nowhere near yours, our daughter came out to us a couple of years ago. It doesn’t change her or anything we love about her. In her case it only impacts who she chooses to love. We just want her to be happy. It’s what all parents want. It’s no one else’s damn business.
9Jet, give Elliot our love. One of my friend’s now-daughter is the happiest I’ve ever seen her and I can say the same for the trans young people who’ve come through my office on their way to becoming their true selves. No sane person can quarrel with that.
And if you ever DO decide to secede from Texas, just know there are lots of places who would LOVE to have another family of Democrats move in.
10My grandmother was left handed. When she was in first grade the teacher strapped grandma’s left hand to her side and forced her to write with her right hand. The teacher apparently considered it “proper” to write with the right hand and somehow “improper” to write with the left.
I would call that child abuse.
But what your dumbass governor is attempting is far worse.
11I love the people who come to this salon. This essay and the comments honestly made me cry but also reinforced my knowing that there are good people who will stand against evil.
Everything I read about Texas makes me think it is an awful place that I would never consider going to. There is so much raw hatred espoused by so many in your state. Why is that?
Jet Harris you are a good writer and sound like a fine parent. Your son will be okay.
12You and your husband are educated and loving parents and you’re doing what’s best for your child.
13Jet, I couldn’t say anything more or better than anyone else here already has.
14But reading this, I can’t imagine a better advocacy piece.
And ferdamnsure a better advocate.
Elliott is a lucky kid.
And also this.
15https://youtu.be/LVwtUMHDo_c
Don’t forget that the Gang Of Perverts are not only anti science, anti LGBT, anti-woman, but HEAVILY supported by the evilJellicals! How un-science can one get!
16isak – I read “This is the way it always is” before Elliot ever came out to me.
slipstream – My husband and I both write left-handed, all of our kids are right handed. Go figure.
Thank you all for the kind words of support. Please continue to give all Texas Republicans hell.
17This is no one’s business but your son’s, yours, and your husband’s. You’re doing an incredible job. Please give Elliott an attaboy and keep on keeping on.
18One college friend moved to Texas for graduate school, and wrote to my spouse and I that she wouldn’t stay — “everything is chicken-fried or bigoted.”
I thought it hyperbole. I knew some cuisines of Texas were not chicken-fried, and I had family friends in El Paso who clearly were not bigoted.
But increasingly, it seems the elected government of Texas is trying to make the statement prophetic. When will they start limiting the cuisine, too?
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