by DaChipster

Part of the extended Hachecristo family includes my aunt, Maria de la Cruz. Tia Maria married Juan Flores, making them Maria y Juan Flores, so my older cousins inevitably nicknamed him Tio “Bud.” We used to think that Tio Bud owned the Evanston Ice Palace, because a couple, two, three times a year, we’d show up there late at night, nine of us in two cars, and he’d let us in to skate for free.

Turns out he was the Zamboni driver.

One night, he disappeared after work. Uncle Jimmy Barstool came closest to reality when he predicted they’d find him in long term parking at O’Hare, in the spring, when the fruits of the Outfit’s winter wet work begin to “ripen” in the trunks of cars. Actually, he’d finished his shift, and had sat down on a curb stop in a corner of the lot to enjoy a beer and a bowl of his namesake, when his relief dumped the entire contents of a Zamboni on him, extinguishing Bud and his Bud and his bud.

Shortly thereafter, the great Blizzard of ’79 further covered him, and nobody saw Tio Potsicle again until about the time that the late, great Mayor Jane Byrne (who died last week, rest in peace) was elected in April. Tia Maria remained a widow for many years, until late in the 90s she remarried to Dale Dane, a Lutheran Wisconsin Republican. Yes, she married outside her Faith, State and other Faith.

Dale didn’t want a nickname, or to be called “Tio.” He even turned a whiter shade of Dale if any of us called him “Uncle” in public. And now our family gatherings felt more like meetings of the Kenosha John Birch Society.   This is how I learned how to talk to the Fox Uncle at Thanksgiving. And I’m going to give you a few tips on how to do that yourself, this Thanksgiving.

Immigration.                                                                                             

Uncle Dale grudgingly admits that whatever immigration led to the Hachecristo invasion of America between the wars was okay because, in the end, he still has to live with my aunt. But he sees doom for America (read “the old, white, male hegemony”) in anything new. For this reason, he is absolutely certain that President Obama has committed an impeachable offense by deferring deportation proceedings against family members of people who are already citizens (i.e. BORN here) or for families of other children already under deferred deportation. It’s gonna bring more Ebola, more ISIS, and more of whatever the Mongered-Fear-of-the-Week is. (Illegal Aliens Enlist in the War on Christmas!)

Tell your Uncle Dale this:

• This is well within the powers of the Presidency on immigration, as granted by Congress in previous laws. If Congress wants to act, fine. But if not, the President is so empowered.   Following the law is NOT an impeachable offense, even for a Democrat
• Unlike Reagan, this action does not grant ANYONE citizenship, or the right to vote. It DOES, however, ensure more current Mexican-American citizens will vote Dem. 
• Just like the executive action of Bush I, this DOES grant deferred deportation status to family members in the face of Congressional inability to fix a previously heartless law.
• Just about everyone who will benefit from this arrived  BEFORE the Obama term of office, and we are now in net NEGATIVE numbers (deporting more than arrive) for the first time in 40 years.
• Unlike Clinton and the Cubans, this does not grant residency and a path to citizenship.

In fact, the Congress, by NOT granting to all immigrants the same special status as Cubans enjoy (can you hear me NOW, Ted Cruz?) is itself in violation of Article I Section 8 of the United States Constitution which enjoins them to ”establish a uniform rule of naturalization.”

And chew on THAT with your pumpkin pie and Cool Whip, Uncle Dale.