How to Talk to Uncle Dale Next Thursday
by DaChipster
Part of the extended Hachecristo family includes my aunt, Maria de la Cruz. Tia Maria married Juan Flores, making them Maria y Juan Flores, so my older cousins inevitably nicknamed him Tio “Bud.” We used to think that Tio Bud owned the Evanston Ice Palace, because a couple, two, three times a year, we’d show up there late at night, nine of us in two cars, and he’d let us in to skate for free.
Turns out he was the Zamboni driver.
One night, he disappeared after work. Uncle Jimmy Barstool came closest to reality when he predicted they’d find him in long term parking at O’Hare, in the spring, when the fruits of the Outfit’s winter wet work begin to “ripen” in the trunks of cars. Actually, he’d finished his shift, and had sat down on a curb stop in a corner of the lot to enjoy a beer and a bowl of his namesake, when his relief dumped the entire contents of a Zamboni on him, extinguishing Bud and his Bud and his bud.
Shortly thereafter, the great Blizzard of ’79 further covered him, and nobody saw Tio Potsicle again until about the time that the late, great Mayor Jane Byrne (who died last week, rest in peace) was elected in April. Tia Maria remained a widow for many years, until late in the 90s she remarried to Dale Dane, a Lutheran Wisconsin Republican. Yes, she married outside her Faith, State and other Faith.
Dale didn’t want a nickname, or to be called “Tio.” He even turned a whiter shade of Dale if any of us called him “Uncle” in public. And now our family gatherings felt more like meetings of the Kenosha John Birch Society. This is how I learned how to talk to the Fox Uncle at Thanksgiving. And I’m going to give you a few tips on how to do that yourself, this Thanksgiving.
Immigration.
Uncle Dale grudgingly admits that whatever immigration led to the Hachecristo invasion of America between the wars was okay because, in the end, he still has to live with my aunt. But he sees doom for America (read “the old, white, male hegemony”) in anything new. For this reason, he is absolutely certain that President Obama has committed an impeachable offense by deferring deportation proceedings against family members of people who are already citizens (i.e. BORN here) or for families of other children already under deferred deportation. It’s gonna bring more Ebola, more ISIS, and more of whatever the Mongered-Fear-of-the-Week is. (Illegal Aliens Enlist in the War on Christmas!)
Tell your Uncle Dale this:
- This is well within the powers of the Presidency on immigration, as granted by Congress in previous laws. If Congress wants to act, fine. But if not, the President is so empowered. Following the law is NOT an impeachable offense, even for a Democrat
- Unlike Reagan, this action does not grant ANYONE citizenship, or the right to vote. It DOES, however, ensure more current Mexican-American citizens will vote Dem.
- Just like the executive action of Bush I, this DOES grant deferred deportation status to family members in the face of Congressional inability to fix a previously heartless law.
- Just about everyone who will benefit from this arrived BEFORE the Obama term of office, and we are now in net NEGATIVE numbers (deporting more than arrive) for the first time in 40 years.
- Unlike Clinton and the Cubans, this does not grant residency and a path to citizenship.
In fact, the Congress, by NOT granting to all immigrants the same special status as Cubans enjoy (can you hear me NOW, Ted Cruz?) is itself in violation of Article I Section 8 of the United States Constitution which enjoins them to ”establish a uniform rule of naturalization.”
And chew on THAT with your pumpkin pie and Cool Whip, Uncle Dale.
Thanks for the Thanksgiving talking points, Chipster.
1Unfortunately, I will be the lone liberal at table with about 20 John Birchers (all my younger cousins) who mock everything I say and to this day can not believe I had the poor judgment to join a teachers’ union.
I am grateful for the invite and do not wish to cause problems for my hostess, so I am in need of a succint parting shot as I head out the door, such that I will not be the recipient of the real thing as I race to my car. Remember I do love these people and would like to be invited again next year.
Any suggestions?
Da Chipster….. Not going to try to “(1) up you.” I had four Natural born (in these United States) children.. They gave the family (I think) about (8) grand children….Mostly boys…. save for one female… She married…in a gorgeous wedding… one Hispanic darned good looking male. Love him to death. He served in our Armed Forces….. has held a job here for years, … and in the process.. they have given me.. one of the (20) great-grands I love dearly. As for his family….. don’t know….. it’s not an issue. I just don’t want anybody… deported… for any reason. It would serve…… no purpose at all. JMHO
2maryelle, say: “Just remember that, within your lifetimes, white people will become a minority. You all better pray to the tax-exempt Deity of your choice that they treat us better than we’ve treated them.”
That will fester for a year.
3daChipster – You know we both read John Kass’s column in the Chicago Tribune – the journalist descended from local grocers and who laments that Uncle Sam didn’t slam the door on immigrants after all his fellow Greeks got here.
I’m gonna send Kass a link to this page for a couple reasons – first because you write better then him (!) and second because he won’t have to plan his own family discussion agenda around the dinner table next Thursday. Uncle Dale? Uncle John.
4Maryelle: If you really want to best your JB relatives, don’t refer to your differences of opinion at all. You won’t be able to change their tiny little minds, so don’t waste your efforts. Simply smile sweetly, hug everyone (or at least touch fingertips with them), and say, enthusiastically, “See you next year, I hope!” That is so much classier than anything they could come up with, they will be speechless — with any luck at all. Happy Thanksgiving.
5@daChipster: Been using “within your lifetimes, white people will become a minority” for a couple years. It’ll empty a room. Especially amongst the 60+ crowd. BUT if you really want to see some skulls pop, share this stat I gleaned from the “Two Million Minutes” documentaries aboot education in the PRC and India: there are more kids in talented and gifted high school programs in the PRC and in India, each, than there are kids of all kinds in high school in the US of A. **POP**!!
6We too have been invited to dine with the other side of politics. My husband and I will be the only ones at the table who have voted blue (and in a couple of cases, ever even bothered to vote). Your writing was — as always — a joy to read, and I’ll gratefully take your advice to Maryelle. Also, thanks to Mary R @5 — excellent idea!
Wishing all of you a safe and happy Thanksgiving wherever you are!
7In time for Thanksgiving: 20 Bible Verses Right Wing Opponents of Immigration Reform Would Like To Forget
http://desertbeacon.wordpress.com/2014/11/21/in-time-for-thanksgiving-20-bible-verses-right-wing-opponents-of-immigration-reform-would-like-to-forget/
Almost feel underprivileged that there are no wing nutty relatives at our family dinner table. If there were, I’d be tempted to offer up a prayer, “Thank you President Obama for bringing compassion to immigration reform.”
8da Chipster-any advice for an aging,ex-farmer,sorta crippled up white boy from iowa who spends Thanksgiving and Christmas alone watching football(personal preference)? Could use some new words to yell at my tv when the good guys screw up or the bad guys win.
9e-plat-o: as a Bear, Cub and Irish fan, my advice is to take up the piano…
…And drop it on the TV.
Otherwise, yell at them that they’ll have to spend next holiday listening to Uncle Dale do a stanza of “pampered athletes” (Dale-speak for “lazy minorities”) followed by a refrain against unions, player unions in particular.
And no pie for them.
10Beautifully well written. Thanks.
11DeChipster, I think you might find this article from today related about how a repub conservative for the Houston Chronicle, GOPLifer, lays out how the repub midterm victory is actually a loser for the gop. Link to full Chron column at end.
I thought after the election esp. that the dems needed to get rid of present old-line consultants and repub-lite dems; eg, mary landrieu who is going to be retired next month.
What he doesn’t factor in is the dems fantastic ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of repubs;)
The columnist lays out the numbers for gop losing prez in ’16 and what the dems need to do to overcome voter suppression based upon the repubs missing the truly important issues for the long term.
“A GOP strategist, columnist at the Houston Chronicle who goes by the handle GOPLifer, Chris Ladd, has declared that the week of the Midterm Elections “was a dark week for Republicans, and for everyone who wants to see America remain the world’s most vibrant, most powerful nation.” What the HELL! Where was he?”
12“He closes his essay saying: “It is almost too late for Republicans to participate in shaping the next wave of our economic and political transformation. The opportunities we inherited coming out of the Reagan Era are blinking out of existence one by one while we chase so-called “issues” so stupid, so blindingly disconnected from our emerging needs that our grandchildren will look back on our performance in much the same way that we see the failures of the generation that fought desegregation. Something, some force, some gathering of sane, rational, authentically concerned human beings generally at peace with reality must emerge in the next four to six years from the right, or our opportunity will be lost for a long generation. Needless to say, Greg Abbott and Jodi Ernst are not that force. ‘Winning’ this election did not help that force emerge.”
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/11/20/1346224/-GOP-Columnist-The-VERY-Bad-News-FOR-THE-GOP-in-the-GOP-s-Midterm-Victory?detail=email#
It reminds me once again how fortunate I am to be spending Thanksgiving with friends who refer to themselves as slightly to the left of Communism. He’s a retired sea captain. She’s a former English Lit professor at Berkeley.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
13e platypus onion –
14If you’re looking for a team to watch on your TV the remainder of the season (sorry, not on Thanksgiving), I’d highly recommend the Packers. They’re scored 50 points during each of their last two games, and as you’ll enter an almost Buddhist like state of contentment by late in the 2nd quarter, there’s not much to yell at.
Happy Thanksgiving!
thanks for the excellent adcie from daChipster, mary and PKM.
I am reminded of the Griswold Family Christmas replete with the in-laws, cousin Eddy and the RV. I just don’t want to end up
spewing something like Clark did about his boss’ jelly-of-the-month-club Christmas gift and the complete failure of all his plans for a warm family holiday.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/quotes
15Uh, well, there’s always the weather to talk about. Or the grandbabies (aren’t they cute!) And one of my favorite Republicans whom I wish I was spending holidays with says “and then there’s the blueberries…..” You cannot get her into an argument. I tried once. After awhile I said “You’re not going to tell me what you think, are you?” aNd she said, “Nope.”
16p.s. daChipster, you oughta publish that.
17Rick,I am a big Packers fan (follow all former Hawkeyes). Packers have 3, Vikings 2, Lions 1,Bears zero. The Bears were good when they had Bortz and Hilgenberg playing side by side.I am also attatched at the hip to my iowa Hawkeyes except for Choke Ferentz.
18We spent many Thanksgivings, and some Christmas afternoons at the home of an aunt and uncle who were very Republican. She had taught school for thirty years, and I couldn’t understand how she could not be a Dem. but he worked for oil/gas so I guess that was it.
19After a fabulous meal of way too much food, we all helped clean up and then played scrabble. Fun. Educational. And you can occasionally put a little message on the board if you have the right letters.
love tolerance (I know, that’s more than 7 letters, but if some were already on the board it works) share
you get the idea
Chipster, the “Cuban situation” has come up a few times in openly reflecting on Executive Orders. Turns out it was actually the Attorney General who decided about Cubans. Seems as if inasmuch as they were running away from a Communist country we had to take them in no matter what, just like when those East Germans managed to make it past the Wall and the guards and West Germany had to take them in. Plus, a lot of those East Germans had family members in West Germany. Get that, GOP? The family connection? I know the President does. What’s your excuse, hmmmm???
20Hey, take your social media device along and insist on showing all those cute kitten videos over and over again. The RWNJ’s will make it a point to stay away from you all the while you giggle and chortle over those damn videos. Heck! This will even get you out of helping to clear up the table and wash the dishes!
21First class, Chipster.
22Rick and platypus, I like the Packers too, even though they stomped all over my Iggles last week. (In Philly we don’t say EEgles.) One big reason I like them is that the fans own the team, not some lardassed rich SOB who can threaten to move to some other city if the taxpayers don’t shell out millions so he can build a new stadium full of skyboxes we can’t afford. Not that I’m bitter, but I live in Maryland, where it’s happened several times.
Also the Packers have only a few players who have *ever* played on another pro team– they really belong to the Green Bay family.
As for parting shots… “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
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