Holy Crap: The How To Get Your Man To Wash The Dishes Edition
The thing you have to admire about Pat Robertson: he pretty much knows how to manipulate people and he’s perfectly willing to share that information even when you’d rather not know what creepy thing is going on inside his head.
Pat Robertson has the secret to a loving and exciting marriage. When a husband does the dishes, a wife should reward him with sex. Husbands, the octogenarian televangelist claims, have an innate need to “to provide for his family,” and so for “providing” clean dishes a wife should provide sex.
Well, that’s kinda weird. What does a wife get in return for doing the dishes? Well, certainly not sex. No, sireeee. Women do not like s-e-x. So, maybe a BMW? Diamond necklace? A hand tooled pink leather saddle with rhinestone trim and some red silk ribbons … whoa, wait, I just wandered into Thelma’s dream.
I’m gonna tell you an absolutely true story here. It’s long but it’s good.
When my friend Reba turned 60 years old, she was watching one of those teevee evangelist shows because Reba is a member of the First Baptist Church. But she is the good kind of Baptist and a yellow dog Democrat so we get along well.
Anyway, a woman on one of the 700 Club shows was talking about how to keep your marriage sparkin’. She suggested that meeting your husband at the front door buck nakkid wearing only Saran Wrap and a large bow would get him frisky. Reba is not a narrow person in either mind or body, so she pondered this for a couple of weeks.
This idea collided with her husband Joe’s 63rd birthday. They had been married since Reba was 18 years old and she thought maybe their relationship could use some kinky. So, Reba bought some Saran Wrap and made a big ole bow and waited for Joe’s birthday.
Joe owned and ran a gas station up on the corner. He came home for lunch every day because Reba is a helluva cook. She wrapped herself in Saran Wrap and used the bow as an accent. Then she put a strategically placed sign that said, “Unwrap me” on top of this outfit.
Joe came home. He had a heart attack.
Joe was laying on the floor grabbing his chest and hollering, “Call 911. Call 911.” Reba is hollering back, “Joe, I can’t call 911 until I get out of this Saran Wrap. So don’t you dare die until I do. Don’t you dare. You stay alive until I get this off! You hear me, Joe? Do you?”
Joe yelled, “Reba, where did you get that dress-thing?” Reba replied, as any good Christian woman would, “The 700 Club.”
The ambulance arrives and totes Joe off to the hospital. Needless to say, at this point Reba was whispering in his ear in her most malevolent voice, “Don’t you ever tell anybody what gave you a heart attack, Joe, or I will be mad as a hornet.”
That evening Brother Bob, Reba and Joe’s pastor, arrives at the intensive care unit of the local hospital to bring comfort to the suffering. While Reba and I were sitting outside waiting for her time to go in, the nurses allow Brother Bob to go in to see Joe.
After about ten minutes, Brother Bob emerges from seeing Joe. Reba asked how he was and Brother Bob told her that Joe seemed fine but that he had asked Brother Bob to please tell Reba not to shop at the 700 Club. “Reba, what were you buying at the 700 Club?” Brother Bob asked.
“Bibles, Preacher, Bibles,” Reba answered with a straight face.
She might be going to hell. I dunno.
Completely true story. I flat love Reba.
I’m going to buy a few sets of new dishes so I don’t have to wash them just to get lucky. I’ll just replace old with new and get busy. I never knew that all I had to do was provide clean dishes. Next time, instead of dinner, dancing, or a movie, I’ll just show up with a set of clean dishes and tell her Pat Robertson said it’s your move.
1This goes straight to the top of the “Keeper” list.
2So washing dishes is officially Republican foreplay? I thought Republican foreplay required guns.
3hahaha teehee gasp.. Thank You, JJ. I flat love Reba, and you, too!!
4I remember a scene where the woman met her husband at the door clothed that way but he didn’t die — it was from Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe and the actress was the same one who was older and had more insurance in a different scene (Kathy Bates).
5Oh. My. Goodness.
6Yeah, I remember that Saran wrap thing. The woman who told the world about that on Robertson’s show also wrote a book involving that same gambit. It sold a lot of copies. I told my husband about it, only I reversed it. He had to be the one in Saran wrap and a bow. He had a helluva grin on his face.
7Oh, Pat. I guess dishwashers are a tool of the devil, right?
And I can relate to Reba, but that’s one story that will never, ever be told. 😉
8Pat Robertson always struck me as being more in the tin foil hat crowd, rather than the wives-in saran-wrap contingent.
I guess you can be both?
9This is why one of us gals invented paper plates.
10Reba, think the cat is now out of the bag on that caper.
11Why is a man 80 years old thinking about sex? Is that the byproduct of “Men can have Viagra, but women can’t have anything but babies”?
12Hmmm, looks like instead of spending all that time getting an MS in computer science, I should have explored a rewarding career in the exciting world of dishwashing as…
Chip Diggler.
13BOY! Talk about your ‘breakfast in bed’! I believe Pat is kind of an old perv. No?
14JAK – look up “pervert” in any dictionary…if ole Pat’s picture isn’t there some other ‘publican’s is.
15Hey, I hadn’t heard about Saran wrap in that particular venue for a long time. I bet my husband would like it too, either way. But that was a funny story.
16Marge Wood, Saran is a registered trademark of the Dow Chemical Company. Maybe we could interest the right wing boys in a religious boycott or a run on Viagra.
The science the goof group hates, has proven that there are as many more health risks with Viagra as birth control pills for women. D’uh, any chemical a person puts in their body comes with risks. Could it be simpler than a discussion between a man or a woman with their doctor to discuss benefits and risks?
There are also life saving vaccines. Those proven to be true like Salk’s polio vaccine, now violated by the CIA under Bush2. Worse yet, rejected by the home school welded to stupid crowd.
I am all for religious freedom, IF and ONLY IF those nut jobs realize their right to exist must respect what is best for all children.
17Don’t think ol’ Pat has a clue about a happy marriage. Using sex as a reward (or the lack of it as a punishment) doesn’t add a whole lot to the mutuality part — you know, love and all that. Yeah, that whole concept sounds like a bad idea to me.
18Okay, not sure but you may owe me. I spewed coffee all over my keyboard, mouse, and nice flat screen monitor. Everyone, except Pat, knows that he lost his mind long ago, but this one truly “takes the cake” and solidify’s that as fact.
19This might just damn well work! But, I suggest the slightly more expensive Cling Free variety. It’s a lot easier to get off when the man is wearing rubber dish washing gloves!
Lol, how kinky is that?
20Rubymay (#18): If Pat Robertson wants to learn about happy marriage/lifetime partnership, he should talk with my parents. In about 3 weeks, it will be their 66th anniversary. As Dad said to Mom when they faced new challenges, “We’re in this together.” I am so lucky to have such wonderful parents!
21One of Rachael Ray’s favorite things to say on her program is “… there is nothing sexier then a man in the kitchen!” She holds to the premise that a man cooking, doing the dishes, or hauling out the garbage is a pure aphrodisiac to any woman within pheromone smelling distance. Dr. Phil sorta holds to this premise, as well.
I always thought it was just part of helping around the house!! Hmmmm … maybe that’s partly why I’m single and staying that way!! LOL
22I take exception to the “women don’t like s-e-x”, they don’t like slam bam, thank you ma’am, but with a generous orgasm capacity, and a man that likes to be involved in your pleasure, (mine, for instance) then after a 4 orgasm interlude, there is a fluidity and ease in our togetherness that really keeps us coupled. He was taught that “women say “when, and men say “how” when I met him it got modified to “it’s always when” I am just so easily distracted, it will take a bit of refocusing to get to “now” (that comes from being the gather gender) so he has to “hunt” for the right way to focus me on him…and then the flowering begins…there is no loving in Repug land, everything is about time being money, the god they sacrifice it all to–naps and lazy weekends are a great life!
23We have less of an attachment to getting things done, (doing it right) and more of one to being happy…oh, he does do the dishes! It really helps me feel like I’m not in house-tending alone! And since his name in German means “clean house” well, you can see how it needs to be. Just sayin’. ( And my grandparents were loving each other into their nineties, (“Pass the honey, sugar, pass the sugar, honey”)with cuddles in the kitchen, often and you could see their happiness for over 60 years.
I’m in for a life like that!
Yonit, you brought a tear to my eye, thank your parents for the both of us.
24Anybody who thinks they need marital advice from Pat Robertson is already too far gone to help. See also Tammy Faye Baker and her hubby.
25Dear Mama,
Skip this one. It’s tackey.
So marital sexlife according to the 700 Club weilder should be just a snatch on the barrel head affair.
Reckon if you hit him in the head with a King James Version it’d knock some sense….silly question…of course not!!
26Plastic wrap, huh? When I was working at a health spa, apart from iridology readings and colonic hydrotherapy (both of which I was certified in by a naturopathic doctor), I was required to give body-slimming wraps. They involved taking measurements, dipping bandages into a warm herb and seaweed liquid, wrapping them all over the body up to the neck, then covering them with plastic wrap. Then, the client would lie on a treatment table, and be topped off with an electric blanket for 45 minutes in a darkened room, music playing. I’d then unwrap them, and take and record their new measurements. It was popular with bridal parties right before the wedding. There was nothing sexy about it.
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