Holy Crap: Jesus on a Stick
Just in time for Easter, the Super DeLux Brand Christians find a way to horrify me and all the little children of the world.
You gotta put the cross back into Easter.
Oh yes, those are candy crosses. There’s nothing sweeter than a symbol of torture.
Meet Scripture Candy, complete with an inappropriate motto.
That could also be the motto of Miss Lottie’s House of Joy and Fitful Fornication.
And if you’re more the Jelly Bean kind of person —
I am not eating the black or red ones. That there is zombie and werewolf stuff.
Thanks to Brian E. for the heads up.
I eats my jelly beans ‘cuz they taste good. Don’t go sermonizing on them!
1Take solace y’all: not everyone that says “Lord, lord” shall enter the kingdom of heaven. And furthermore He was more than a little miffed the last time He was here and merchants co-opted one of His signs (the temple no less) for the sake of promoting commerce, mammon, and the almighty shekel. Turtledoves or jellybeans it’s all the same to Him!
2Thank you Lord for these jelly beans that remind me why I sleep in
Every Sunday morning after a Saturday filled with sin
Black is for the Africans we enslaved to save their souls
Red is for the natives that we killed to reach our goals
White is for the purity of our souls and of our skins
Yellow is for the heathens out where Eastasia begins
Green is for the money that enriches all our pastors
Purple for the clothes we wear to show we are the masters
Thank you Lord for making us the best of your Creation
3And in your name we have made this white and Christian nation
Brian. Where was the candy made? Jesus lives? I’m tired of the sign in requirement.
4Just another way to make money off the steeple people.
5Cross shaped lollipops and scripture candy? I wonder what flavor Jesus’ blood tastes like? Cherry? How about the sin flavor? Grape or licorice? And does one really want to see people sucking on crosses? Some folks might look at that as blasphemous, right?
I’m done. I give up. You just can’t make this stuff up. Their reality truly has lapped our satire.
6What, no earthworm, earwax or bougar flavors. Here’s an assortment for the progressives amongst us.
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=harry+potter+jelly+beans+flavor+chart&qpvt=harry+potter+jelly+beans+flavor+chart&FORM=IGRE
7Errrckkk! Years ago I gave up on pink and blue crosses — yeah, they were made for installation in the nursery — and I was totally grossed out! The cross is yes a reminder of the torture the Nazarene endured, and is a symbol of salvation brought about by sacrifice. “Pretty-fying” it just doesn’t cut the cake. Moreover, why is the cross used as a symbol of Easter? Something that looks more like an empty cave would really be much more accurate! Aw, shucks! Look at that! Historical accuracy little me! But, hey, I get this way every time I discover that kiddy candy equals mammon!
8I never did understand why people wore an instrument of torture around their neck. Why not just kneel down to an Iron Maiden? Now they’re candy?
9Whatever happened to just eating the darned ears off the chocolate bunny and re-hiding the easter eggs so only you could find and eat so many you get sick on your brother?
I KNEW the Black ones were sin!!!!
10Selling candy for Jesus! Wait till you see what else Jesus sells to the little children!
https://scripturecandy.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=featured&Itemid=435
11Uh-oh. I’m in trouble. I only eat black jelly beans. I *love* licorice! Besides, no one else will eat them so I have them all to myself. Does that make me doubly in trouble for selfishness?
12I like the fact that these jelly beans also make a rainbow.
13That’s the ticket! “In the name of God” encourage kids to eat more sugar. (In your face, Mrs Obama!) The ‘war on Christmas’ has now been extended to Easter by the very Xians complaining about said wars. Bang the collection plates for another commercial buck for these phony war victims. Seriously, if you shoot your own fool self in the foot, are you really a ‘victim’?
Christmas cookies and Easter candy may surpass Halloween sales. Gotta love the irony.
14Maybe kiddie torture in the next thing for the fundies?
15As a Christian, all this sugar-filled crap truly offends me! Anyone who detracks from the TRUE meaning of Easter truly offends me. Easter and Christmas … two holidays that the shysters try to hawk their crap in the name of Jesus!! It truly offends me!!
16Lorraine in Spring, I’ll bet the *sin* flavored one tastes like bacon!
Jan, I love licorice soooo much. Did you know that Tom’s toothpaste once had an anise flavor? I bought all they had at the BigLots store on close out. Yum!
17Unlike the author of the jelly bean bag “verse,” daChipster knows and practices a proper poetic rhyming pattern.
18Personally I think it is good news that Jesus is branching out from just appearing on toast.
19You probably need to eat, kneel and pray when you read the ingredients in those!
20Westboro Baptist Cult will be in Alaska in June. Where oh where is Vlad the Impaler when you need him?
21Maggie-if it looks like an empty cave in Texas,chances are it will get an unwarranted probe shoved in it sooner or later,just to be sure.
22@Kate Dungan
Mmmmmm, baconnnnn…..
Hey, if that’s true, I’m in!
23None for me, thanks.
24There is so much more at the Christian Dollar Store
http://christiandollarstore.com/scripturecandy.html
25Yellow is for Heaven?
. . . why?
26