.

“Texas Governor Rick Perry, on a mission from God, has rented Reliant Stadium on August 6th to pray loudly in front of every blessed soul in Texas,” Juanita says with practically glee in her voice.

“But, Honey, he better not pass the plate.”

From 2000, when Perry became governor, through 2009, he earned a total of $2.68 million according to his tax records. Of that amount, he gave half a percent to churches and religious organizations, or $14,243.

In 2007 — a year in which Perry reported an income of more than $1 million — he gave $90 to his church, according to the Perry family’s tax return. Twice since becoming governor, in 2000 and 2009, he reported no contributions to churches or religious organizations.

Most theologians agree that they could forgive Rick Perry for being the greediest sumbitch on the earth, “If his public policy really showed care and support for our children and single mothers and aging people and all the most vulnerable people … that Jesus Christ was most concerned about.”

San Antonio Democratic State Rep. Trey Martinez Fischer points out that Perry spent more on a subscription to Food and Wine Magazine than he gave to his church.

“And come to find out,” Juanita reports, “while he’s been Governor the majority of his charity giving was clothing dumps at Goodwill, valued at $30,768.  From 2000 – 2009, his tax returns show at least 21 trips to Goodwill.  This, of course, goes to prove that he’s making a habit of getting too big for his britches.”

“So, somewhere in Texas, a small child stuffed into a overcrowded classroom, sick with no health care, nothing to eat, with 11 brothers and sisters because his momma can’t get birth control at Planned Parenthood, is wearing a mighty fine pair of fancy pants thanks to Governor Rick Perry.  Or maybe some only-photographically-used cowboy chaps.  Ain’t that dandy?”

“But, the coolest explanation of all time came from a Perry spokesman,” she grins.

Perry declined an interview request by the San Antonio Express-News to discuss his views on prayer, personal religious observance and charitable giving.

“He never talks about his faith,” Perry spokesman Mark Miner said.

“Dude,” Juanita hollers, “he rented the largest stadium in Texas.  What is wrong with you?  Is your extended warranty overdue?”

“Another Perry spokesman tried to say that Perry does his part for religion by opposing choice,” she continues. “Buzzzzz …. sorry that’s the buzzer because there is no prize.  The majority of Christians now believe that abortion should be legal even when their church disagrees.”

Texans will probably want to read the whole shebang and marvel at some fine investigative reporting and the rest of you will want to just trust us when we say, “For Pete’s Sake, do not put another dumb hypocritical greedy Texan in the White House.”

Thanks to Corrine and June for the heads up.