Happy 4th of July! Here’s Something You’ll Enjoy
As JJ pointed out, Alex Jones announced to his sycophants that today Democrats were going to start the second civil war. I’ve been looking all over for it so I can join in, and just found it. The battlefield is on The Twitter under the hashtags #secondcivilwarleters and #secondcivilwarletters. Extreme hilarity has resulted in many casualties against the Redhats. Here are a few messages from the front:
Of course, I’m adding my own messages from the front.
Enjoy.
Fantastic! Want to read more.
1Love it!
2This Yankee is spending the day with her grandson by the pool.
3Thoughts and prayers till tomorrow, then I will be battle ready.
I’ll bring the tofu and kale.
Happy 4th to everyone!!!
I don’t do The Twitter, but here would be mine:
Dearest Ma–Please don’t worry about me. We are eating well. Blue Apron delivers to the front lines, but Grub Hub was attacked last night by the Red Hats who thought it was a delivery from Applebees. One of our lieutenants had to be taken to the medic tent after he severely pulled a tendon during yoga practice, but the massage therapist says he’s hopeful for a full recovery. Gwyneth Paltrow has sent us a huge supply of healing crystals, for which we’re grateful. I don’t know what we’re going to do with the jade eggs, though. Please send sun screen. Not the kind that ruins the coral reefs. Your loving son.
4I wish I was clever enough to join in but you have my undying support. I remain true Blue, Happy Fourth.
5I can imagine an encounter going like this…
My phaser set to stun I entered the only Target in the DMZ, serpentining from carts through the televisions to the seasonal aisle for charcoal. On my return trip a red hat stumbled from a side aisle and raised his phaser in my general direction. I fired. Oh my bad, I twisted that knob the wrong way. Now that red hat is … well atoms. Sorry. Gotta get that right next time. 🙂
6Security has been compromised; implement #JadeHelm18
7Dearest –
The wifi hotspot at our outpost in Whole Foods is down, we’re using the last of our included data and soon will be forced into overage. Pray for us.
8@SomedayGirl
Avoid all the Whole Foods stores they’re traps. Amazon was compromised on day 1. But if they have Major Dickason’s Blend still on the shelf….? Hook a brother up?
9Sure, it’s all good fun, but what if trump hears about this, takes it seriously, and suddenly we’re at DefCon 4? You know how stupid he is.
10micr, I did saunter into the red hat base at Chik Fil A. Since I look like them they gave me not a second thought. My efforts at intelligence gathering came to naught as there was none to be found. I sabotaged the bathrooms by changing to gender neutral signs, grabbed all the lemonade and replaced it with kombucha, and left. We expect they will abandon soon and we will easily be able to round them up, herd them to the re-education camp at the local library, and start them out with something simple like the difference between they’re, there, and their.
11Having successfully entered one of the tunnels underneath the local Walmart, my unit is now pushing ahead on our Segways, streaming video with our iPhones. We are scouting for the FEMA concentration camps . . .
HOLY COW! They have CHILDREN locked up in cages!
12slipstream, I may need reinforcement. Many in my unit went to brunch and there were bottomless mimosas. They have not returned and we fear the worst. Pray for them. Champagne hangovers are the worst.
13SomedayGirl: need the GPS coordinates for the mimosas. As soon as we recharge the Segways (and upgrade the cupholders so they can chill beverages) we will do our best to investigate.
14Will send. Please be advised there is a Bass Pro between you and the target location. MAGAs are using it as a field hospital, which mostly involves them yelling at the gravely wounded about how they won’t pay for other people’s healthcare. It is a piteous sight but you must be brave.
PS please send pumpkin spice, supply is perilously short.
15Red Hats??? My Chapter 13999, The Dauntless Dames? Well, why didn’t I get the e-mail! Mimosas at 12 paces, dammit!
16Meh. Alex Jones deserve a google place with santorum.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=santorum&page=2
Maybe something to the tune of st00pid combined with what Sarah Chuck-a-Load Sandbag with the burned ashes of her lies. H/T Michelle Fox at the WHCD.
“I actually really like Sarah,” Wolf said. “I think she’s very resourceful. Like, she burns facts, and then she uses the ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like, maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies.” https://www.cosmopolitan.com/politics/a20102293/whcd-michelle-wolf-sarah-huckabee-sanders/
Michelle Wolf and Samantha Bee, please keep on coming on, ladies. While the fright wing evangelical call for civility, keep giving them heavy doses of “you first, Alphonse,” as you bath them in a douche of their own hypocrisy.
17Eeuuwww. “santorum” But it’s appropriate.
What is fitting for Alex Jones? What is “alex jones”? Hmmmmm. Pondering, pondering, pondering . . . . .
18We were pinned down. I drew the short straw and drew off most of the MAGAs with a trail of pork rinds. The key was to only leave one at a time, so they killed each other off fighting over them. I led the lone survivor to a distant Waffle House where the smell of bacon totally distracted him, allowing me to make my escape.
19If anyone reads this, tell my family I tried to do my part.
But the smell of bacon is still gnawing at my memory. War is hell.
Just to have it here… https://twitter.com/hashtag/secondcivilwarletters
They’re awesome.
20As the war drags on, our provisions have dwindled, and are perilously low.
But there is still hope. The Buddhist hot dog vendor has arrived, and assures us that he has ample supplies to make us all One With Everything.
21@Debbo #18:
To “Alex Jones” should have something to do with self-induced explosive diarrhea covering the area…
22And of course, we need a soundtrack.
https://youtu.be/3eeqtPxKX1M
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