Fun With Guns: Granny Get Your Gun Edition
by Primo Encarnación
The hamlet of Bohner’s Lake, WI pronounced exactly like you think it should be pronounced, is part of the Town of Burlington, WI, not to be confused with the City of Burlington, WI, all of which occupy roughly the same space on the map not too far from the world famous Mars Cheese Castle.
Granny heard a noise. Granny got her gun. Granny dropped her gun. And, as Uncle Jimmy “Barstool” Grobnik would say, Granny became shot. In the belly. Racine County Sheriff’s folk are not sure exactly what she heard, but they’re fairly certain alcohol and drugs were involved.
Go Granny! Go Granny! Go Granny, go!
h/t Claudia: thanks for the heads up!
Wait a minute! Does this mean Granny was high?
1….but parked in her rickety old garage is artillery enough for an impressive barage. Lesson to be learned,a dropped dildo won’t shoot Granny in the belly or fanny.
2Granny was loaded, unfortunately her gun was, too.
An idiot acquaintance bought his elderly mother a gun. He knew nothing about guns and she knew even less. I offered to take her to a range for lessons, but before we left, I broke the gun down for inspection and cleaning. First problem, a faulty firing pin. Took the gun to local PD to be melted down. Tragedy averted.
3Wish I could find a place to melt our guns down. We inherited a lot of them from my idiot father and I would dearly love to get rid of all but the WWI pistols from my grandfather. the rest are trash.
4@Gindy51
If you are close to DFW I will dispose of all of them for you. I am working with a DFW metro county to smelt several from their evidence rooms that were confiscations.
5I’m guessing that if Micr’s solution doesn’t work for you, you could call the local police and ask if they will accept guns for destruction.
6@PKM – Melting guns down can generate excitement of its own. Decades back I was a community affairs reprsentative for a certain large basic steelmaking plant in a certain large Midwestern city. One day I got a call from the local police chief asking if we could melt down some confiscated firearms that they’d been holding for quite some time. Everybody figured we could some some positive PR for law enforcement and the company, so we were happy to agree. They next morning, up they trundled to our plant gate with a pickup truck and a van, both down on their axles with the weight of hundreds of weapons. The local newspaper photographer cam along too. We issued everybody safety gear and escorted them to our big basic oxygen steelmaking shop, where we refined “heats” of 300 tons and more of steel from molten iron and steel and iron scrap. As everyone watched, an overhead crane picked up a huge charging box of scrap – including the weapons – and tipped the contents into the open maw of the glowing furnace. A few seconds passed and then … KABLAM!!!! … what sounded like a shotgun round exploded from overheating. We had asked the police if all the firearms had been unloaded and had been assured tha they were. Yeah … sure …
Not very long later we learned that the police department was under federal investigation for enterprising employees having resold confiscated weapons back onto the street from their enormous stash. Our local lawmen may have found out they were about to be exposed and enlisted our unsuspecting help in disposing of the evidence. We never knew exactly how many weapons we melted down, and I don’t think the feds ever knew either. No one was ever prosecuted.
7If you really need something for protection I would suggest getting a rabid wolverine. Rabid wolverines are less subject to misuse.
8If she’s so afraid of being murdered in her own home, maybe she needs a room mate. You, Auld Angus from the feed store, or some other toothless curmudgeon. Couplea shots, and even Ole the town layabout looks like Cary Grant.
9…but a rabid wolverine is good too. And cuter.
10“Yah, Ole, how much is da cheapest personal ad in yer Bohner’s Lake paper, dere.”
“Oh, cripes, Sven, you can get five words fer two dollars.”
“Ok, Ole, I’ll take dat one dere.”
“Whaddya wanna say, dere?”
“Oh, fer cri-yi, yust say ‘Grannie’s shot.’”
“Well, fer pete’s sake, you got t’ree more words, Sven. Dat’s a waste of… of… a whole dollar, yust about.”
“Okie dokie, den! Say ‘Grannie’s shot… Gun fer sale.’”
11Here in Columbus, we have another term for “rabid wolverines.”
We just call ’em “that team up North.”
O-H! …… I-O!
12See? This is what happens when there is no good granny with a gun to take out the bad granny with a gun.
no, it really doesn’t make any more sense that way, does it?
13daChipster, I haven’t heard an Ole and Sven story since I stopped working for a company based in Minneapolis. That’s a good one.
14Origuy – in the original, it’s Ole and Sven’s widow, Lena: “Sven died…boat fer sale.”
Uff da!
15I love the understatement at the end of the column:
The Sheriff’s Office would like to take this opportunity to remind people to be extra cautious with firearms and to remember gun safety when handling any firearm.
Mine would read more like YOU LET YOUR GRANNY HAVE A GUN? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? EVERYONE IN TOWN, GO AROUND AND DISARM ALL THE THE OLD FOLKS WHO CAN’T SEE OR HEAR, ESP. THE ONES WHO THINK THEIR RELATIVES ARE STEALING FROM THEM.
16How far is Bohner’s Lake, WI from Lake Woebegone, MN?
17@daChipster
@Origuy
Yall remind me of the bachelor, maybe Sven or Ole, advertising for a wife
“Wanted Good Woman
Must be able to Clean,
Cook, Sew, Dig Worms
and Clean Fish.
Must have fairly new bass boat
with motor.
Please send photograph of bass
18boat with first correspondence.
Not far at all, Micr. Not far at all.
Ole and Sven had shot and dressed a nice buck, and dey were draggin’ it back towards da car by da hinder legs, when a Minnesota game warden saw ’em.
“Hey you boys, yer draggin’ dat t’ing da wrong way. Yer gettin’ all dat crud in da fur, and dem antlers’ll tangle up in da brush. Drag ‘im by dem antlers, dere. It’ll go much easier.”
Awhiles later, Ole said, “Hey, Sven, dat warden was right! Dis is much easier.”
“Yah, sure is,” Sven agreed, “but we been gettin’ furder an’ furder from da car dis whole time.”
Which is how Ole and Sven arrived in Bohner’s Lake.
19Don’t eff around with old people. Some of them are armed.
20@daChipster
It is possible the you might enjoy a Colorado story starring my sainted father.
He and I hunted in Colorado only this one time. MSF shot an elk from one “hill” to another. About 90 minutes after he shot the elk we arrived at the carcass having hiked and crawled maybe a couple hundred feet up and down in elevation change. Just miserable work. So as MSF eyed the carcass estimating how much meat he had and the logistical nightmare of getting it out, a Colorado game warden walks up, eyeing the kill and babbling something aboot hunting license. MSF whupped out his DoD issued ID card and, never taking the cigar from his mouth, grunted out something aboot hunting, elk, USMC, and November 10, 1775. The CO game warden remained unimpressed. So off the three of us go with the evidence of this heinous hunting misdemeanor. Once we got to the CO game warden’s purty 4WD Chevy parked on a nicely cleared, level fire road, the game warden starts talking citation, court date etc etc. At which point MSF removes the cigar from his mouth and says “Ohhhh do you mean one of these??” and hands the (mostly exhausted) game warden our recently purchased out of state Colorado licenses. The grumbling game warden grumbles off in his 4WD Chevy and we carried the elk aboot a quarter of a mile on the fire road to our campsite. Dad chuckling and whistling selections related to Halls of Montezuma the whole way.
Yeah “Old age and treachery will always beat youth and exuberance.”
21And the original go granny,go granny,go granny,go had a brand new shiny red super stock Dodge in her garage. The little old lady from Pasadena.
22daChipster,I believe you must visit that team up north in November with a chance to play in the Big Championship game on the line.
23Oh, hell, yet another “Idiot with Gun Shoots Ownself” story. Nothing new there, but I’m extremely excited to find out that there’s a place called the Mars Cheese Castle.
24When I first arrived in D.C. decades ago I had been given by a member of my family an old nickel plated Boston Bulldog revolver. I knew how to load and shoot it. However, I had just taken a full course of Judo for self defense and felt a lot more confident in the Judo than the gun. Took it to a local gun shop located on a river and asked them to saw the sucker in half and then dispose of it. The sawed, and then threw the parts in the river. The Potomac. At a time when Bobby Kennedy claimed the Potamac flowed by appointment only. If you did that nowadays, you would be violating a law and end up in jail.
25maggie, if you sawed a gun in half and threw it in the river these days the NRA would have you charged with murder. Guns have rights, ya’ know.
26You won’t be surprised that I, a Minnesotan, know each one of those Ole & Lena jokes, and dozens more. However, Mama would not approve of the others. She might wash my tablet out with soap and I wouldn’t like that.
27The Potomac and J Danforth Quayle(Hitler Weasel Bushes veep) had a short history. Quayle was dead certain Roe v Wade were alternate ways to cross the Potomac.
28Grin.
29Guns & alcohol, not a good mix. Or whatever else Grannie had in her system (could’ve been prescription drugs, for all that.)
Gindy51, I second the suggestion of calling law enforcement (county, if you’re in a small town that won’t have the facilities to melt them down) and see if they’ll take them and at least disable them. Or a machine shop that could cut ’em up for you, or squash ’em in a hammer mill (be sure to tell them they should check that all are unloaded themselves) and then sell the pieces for metal scrap.
30@Gindy, if you’re anywhere near a big city, you may be able to find a gun buy-back program. Since you seem to have inherited a small arsenal, it’s likely worth your while to find out — you may find the income covers your holiday shopping, if you do.
31Good thing that granny wasn’t this one:
32http://www.wbtv.com/story/30239803/toddler-finds-gun-in-car-shoots-grandmother-in-back.
I suppose it really doesn’t make all that much difference where you get shot or who shoots you.
E platypus props for the joke. Quayle would be an intellectual giant among the passengers in this cycle’s clown car.
What about a gaun buy back program? Send in your gun and get free Texans tickets. Then you’ll want to kill yourself but you won’t have a gun.
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