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In the Mother of All  Libertarian Craziness, Rand Paul doesn’t need no stinkin’ medical board to call him a doctor.

U.S. Senate candidate Rand Paul says he is a “board-certified” ophthalmologist — even though the national clearinghouse for such certifications says he hasn’t been for the past five years.

Rand Paul, who practices in Bowling Green, says he is certified by the National Board of Ophthalmology, a group that he incorporated in 1999 and that he heads.

But that entity is not recognized by the American Board of Medical Specialties, which works with the American Medical Association to approve such specialty boards.

“So. let me get this straight,” Juanita ponders, “he’s certified by his own board that he made up in his head?”

“I know there are voices in his head, but I doubt they’re all doctors.  Hell, I doubt they’re all even interesting,” she laughs.

“Does this mean I can say I’m a certified cosmetologist because Thelma and I and her Aunt Bessie Mae have a secret club that certifies cosmetologist?   If that’s the case, Baby, I’m a certified brain surgeon.  I can now get me one of those little rhinestone pins that says I Do Brain Surgery.  That would be kinda cool. ”

The Courier-Journal reported Sunday that Paul says he is a board-certified ophthalmologist because he has been approved by a group that he founded. He lists himself as the president and owner of the National Board of Ophthalmology, his wife is listed as the vice president and his father-in-law is the secretary.

“I haven’t been this bumfuzzled since I found out that Joe the Plumber isn’t a plumber and his name isn’t even Joe,” she admits.

“So, the way I see it,  Rand Paul may not be certified, but Honey, he most certainly is certifiable.”

“I’ll say Amen! to that and pass the plate,” Thelma piped in.  “Hey, Juanita, maybe we can start licensing drivers ourselves.  Save people time in the line down at DPS, and make a little money on the side.  The way I figure, if you can get here, then you can drive.  $15, please.”

“Yep – that will work,” Juanita agrees. “Libertarian licensing: a whole new internet scam and we’re on the ground floor.”