.

“I knew this pornography at WalMart was just the beginning,” Juanita says in her best Sunday School voice.

“I knew it was going to spread,” she says.  “I just knew it.”

“But, thank goodness for the American Family Association, who spends day and night, every waking hour, looking for pornography.  And, they found it at Sear’s and Roebucks online.”

“Now, I wanna be honest with you and let you know that I do not have time to look at everything you can buy at Sear’s online because there’s like, I dunno, a cazillion things.  And you know how I just hate to trust people to do my porn searches for me.  There are some things I’d just rather do on my own.  But, I just have to trust the porn experts at the American Family Council to do this one for me,” she laments.

“That picture you see over there to the left.  That is actual  pornography found at Sears online, according to the American Family Council. No, I am not kidding.  It was, in fact so stunning that it warranted a Tim Alert, which ranks right up with a red alert from the Department of Homeland security.  Or, maybe even higher, I dunno for sure.”

You can go see it for yourself right here, but here’s what it says, boiled down to the part where they don’t ask for money.

Sears is currently offering giant posters of total nud**y on its website. Sears knows they are selling smut. Technology allows Sears to remove and stop selling these posters within minutes, so why won’t they?

I hope you will take my word for it, but if you must see the proof, click here. Warning: the posters are extremely graphic and offensive, although they have been edited by us.

These aren’t just posters of scantily-clad women. Some of them depict groups of people, lesbians and others engaged in ***ual activities. Very little is left to the imagination.

“Okay, so I went to see what the fool tarnation all those stars were about.  Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what most of those words were supposed to be,” Juanita admits.  “And, blessed their hearts, they warned the three times that what I was about to see was dirty, dirty, ohmygosh dirty.  Wowza, Annie!  I mean, just the excitement of anticipation was better than a Friday night date to the VWF dance.  I was virtually aquiver.”

“You cannot imagine my disappointment, no you cannot, when all I got to see was some ta-tas, covered with hands or bras or camera angle.  That’s not porn – that’s just ta-tas.  Look, every straight American male has earned his knowledge of anatomy from the Cross Your Heart bras in the Sears catalog.  I kinda think it’s Sears’ job to teach this stuff.”

“But I want to thank the pron master at the American Family Association for their hourly quest to find something dirty to look at.  I’ve got a cousin with the same problem.”