Fayette County, Texas
If you’ve been around here for a while, you know about my friends in Fayette County, Texas. Fayette County is just east of Austin and was home to the original Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, locally known as The Chicken Ranch. They have all the best news in Fayette County because they seem to attract the most fun-loving people on the planet.
This story comes from the front page.
Okay, so first of all, your name is Julie May Mack, which is the best name ever. I mean, you could be voted Watermelon Queen at the county fair on that name alone. You wanna be District Clerk? Honey, nobody could vote against that name on a ballot. Texas Senator Julie May Mack. Damn.
I looked it up and the official temperature for Fayette County on August 25th was 104 degrees with a heat index of 471 and that’s not a typo. Also, all of south east Texas was in a serious drought. I feel sure Ms. Mack was hunting for a stock tank to dive in and a hot tub was as close as she could come. Some day remind me to tell you the story about the time my cousin Dirt Janochek got drunk and made a jacuzzi with his stock tank and his Evinrude outboard motor.
Okay, so the police report says that Ms. Mack got out of the hot tub and went and hid in a car in the neighborhood. I’m gonna suspect it wasn’t her car because she didn’t try to drive it away. But, she could have left her purse at the hot tub so she didn’t have keys. The police ordered her out of the car and she complied but then ran away.
Okay, stop here and see if this doesn’t sound fishy to you. She outran two police officers while she was wearing wet clothes. Wet clothes are heavy. It’s unlikely she was wearing shoes because you can’t run at all in wet shoes. But, now stay with me here, the cars would be parked on cement or tar, either of which one would most likely cause severe burns to foot bottoms in August in Texas.
Then she found a recreational vehicle with the door open and ran in there. They found her but she still outran them. Okay, I’m gonna ask, Are these guys on crutches? I know she was wearing clothes because if she wasn’t, there would have been a parade of tractors following her on this home tour and lively shouts of “Buster! She’s nakkid!”
So, though the miracle of modern journalism, we discover she ran into a house and resisted arrest, no shoot sherlock, and this slow poke deputy had to wrestle her to the ground.
But, this story – long and colorful as it is – does not end well. It isn’t until we get to the breathless end that we discover that all this mayhem happened on the day before Ms. Mack’s 30th birthday.
What the hell kind of world do we live in where a woman cannot borrow a handy hot tub on the day before her decade shifting birthdays?
Bad cop. No donut.
Just wonderful Thanks for the grins and giggles
1Jumping into a hot tub on a scorching day to cool off seems so…Texan? Is that in the Abbot hot tips on weathering the summer list?
2“If you’re naked, you don’t have any clothes on, but if you’re nekkid you don’t have any clothes on but you’re up to something.” Former Sen. Alan Simpson (R.-Wyoming)
3I love how an unauthorized woman in a hot tub required a police response of 4 officers. One of which was an undercover officer from the Fayette County Sheriffs Office.
With all the vehicles she ducked into, the undercover cop, plainclothes and all, couldn’t have thought to pull up along side of her while inbetween temporary hideouts, feet burning, and said “hop in sugar!”
4I used to live in Temple a hundred years ago. There were always crazy stories about GIs at Ft. Hood. One day a newspaper reporter just about fell all over himself trying to describe an attempted rape by a soldier. The woman said she bit the end of his protuberance (penis for you uneducated folk) and handed it to the police officers. The article then went on to say the soldier was arrested at Darnell Army Hospital seeking treatment. I guess the popos were able to make a perfect match!
5I’m thinking that if one or two of the cops had assisted with the takedown, there wouldn’t have been any need for all the rasslin. Which was probably the reason it went down that way.
6@ Rick #3: While laughing out loud reading this, the thought crossed my mind: Why didn’t the hot tub owner just go out there and ask her WTF? Did she have an AK-47 with her in the tub? Calling the cops was the first idea?
7I hope they release the police video of this, with Yakity Sax as the background music. Or maybe the piano music played in silent movie theaters when the Keystone Kops were in pursuit.
Irrelevant: I found a site that has the spoof classified cover sheets: https://sgp.fas.org/othergov/coversheets.pdf [that’s a PDF file]. The site also has examples of the real cover sheets, in case you want to download and use them for grins. I’m thinking that my grocery should have a Top Secret section, with the cookies I prefer and other things I don’t want the wife to know I’m buying.
Also, the author of the spoofs is not listed, and I’ll never reveal his name. Unless lots of money is offered. Like enough to buy at least two boxes of my favorite cookies.
8Making us rethink our plan to possibly relocate into the Smithville/ La Grange area. Now if Dolly and Burt were still running the ranch …
9Au contraire, JJ, I think those cops probably had too many donuts, and that’s why she could outrun them. Keystone Kops indeed, or maybe just some good old boys that got winded.
I hope she didn’t hurt them.
10Couldn’t the undercover cop pretend he was the homeowner,
11bring her out a beer, chat a little—–then cuff her? No creativity these cops . . . .
Hmmm . . . maybe I should get a hot tub.
12Julie May Mack. Then again, she may not.
13Anyone got a link to a mugshot?
14The Surly Professor @8, Yeah, lots of money for cookies nowadays.
15My favorites, which I used to order ~6/mo in my monthly Wally order, ‘Keebler Coconut Dreams’, haven’t been in stock online for many months for some reason.
They used to be $3.56 for the ‘family-size’ 13.2oz box. Now at apparently a few stores [not my local] they cost $7.53! More than double the price of last year, 112% more !
Sorry, I’m from Michigan. What is a “stock tank”?
16back at the Fayette County Record, this article is behind a paywall
‘Premium Content is available to subscribers only. Please login here to access content or go here to purchase a subscription.”
Only way I can imagine the scene of one 30-year-old getting away from multiple police officers multiple times is that somehow, they were laughing so hard they lost their ability to close in.
17Avis Puckett: a stock tank is a largish artificial pond used to capture water (if/when it rains) for livestock to drink from. They’re usually rectangular in shape, and unless stocked with fish, they become magnificent mosquito factories.
Harry Eagar@13: yep, a veteran newspaperman will always spot the ideal title for a story like this.
18Avis Puckett @16,,, A “stocktank” is a pond for watering livestock. Can be natural [dammed stream or rain catching], artificial dug, and/or fed from an irrigation source or well. Lots of other critters use them too. Shouldn’t be too deep, getting a stuck animal out is a PITA.
19I’m surprised they didn’t find “Hot Tub Tom” in their tank, he and his daughter have an affinity for them.
20“Stock tank”? Not too refined are (royal) we in Texas? 🙂
From Fanny Burney’s CECILIA, published in 1782 in England:
“… and not only horse-whipt, but horse-ponded, for she thought when, one had heated, the other might cool you …”
Can you imagine saying “horse-whipt and stock-tanked”? Ewww! I can’t imagine it either. Please move to the East Coast where you’ll find less heat at the moment and refinement and sensibility!!! 🙂
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