If you’ve been around here for a while, you know about my friends in Fayette County, Texas.  Fayette County is just east of Austin and was home to the original Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, locally known as The Chicken Ranch. They have all the best news in Fayette County because they seem to attract the most fun-loving people on the planet.

This story comes from the front page.

Okay, so first of all, your name is Julie May Mack, which is the best name ever.  I mean, you could be voted Watermelon Queen at the county fair on that name alone. You wanna be District Clerk? Honey, nobody could vote against that name on a ballot.  Texas Senator Julie May Mack. Damn.

I looked it up and the official temperature for Fayette County on August 25th was 104 degrees with a heat index of 471 and that’s not a typo.  Also, all of south east Texas was in a serious drought. I feel sure Ms. Mack was hunting for a stock tank to dive in and a hot tub was as close as she could come.  Some day remind me to tell you the story about the time my cousin Dirt Janochek got drunk and made a jacuzzi with his stock tank and his Evinrude outboard motor.

Okay, so the police report says that Ms. Mack got out of the hot tub and went and hid in a car in the neighborhood. I’m gonna suspect it wasn’t her car because she didn’t try to drive it away. But, she could have left her purse at the hot tub so she didn’t have keys. The police ordered her out of the car and she complied but then ran away.

Okay, stop here and see if this doesn’t sound fishy to you. She outran two police officers while she was wearing wet clothes. Wet clothes are heavy. It’s unlikely she was wearing shoes because you can’t run at all in wet shoes. But, now stay with me here, the cars would be parked on cement or tar, either of which one would most likely cause severe burns to foot bottoms in August in Texas.

Then she found a recreational vehicle with the door open and ran in there. They found her but she still outran them. Okay, I’m gonna ask, Are these guys on crutches? I know she was wearing clothes because if she wasn’t, there would have been a parade of tractors following her on this home tour and lively shouts of “Buster! She’s nakkid!”

So, though the miracle of modern journalism, we discover she ran into a house and resisted arrest, no shoot sherlock, and this slow poke deputy had to wrestle her to the ground.

But, this story – long and colorful as it is – does not end well. It isn’t until we get to the breathless end that we discover that all this mayhem happened on the day before Ms. Mack’s 30th birthday.

What the hell kind of world do we live in where a woman cannot borrow a handy hot tub on the day before her decade shifting birthdays?

Bad cop. No donut.