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“Every election season I get into a fight with a Catholic priest,” Juanita reports after a day on the campaign trail standing in front of polls for her favorite candidates.

“I have no idea why Catholic priests and I do not get along,” she begins.  “Oh wait, no, I do know – I have a uterus and refuse to feel real bad about it.”

“This afternoon, long about 4:00, I went to Manford Williams elementary school on Highway 762 to see how voting was going,” she begins to tell her story.  “Lo and behold, I see a man with a Dora Olivo sign – you know, my State rep who opposes a woman’s right to choice and stem cell research but favors racism – and this man is wearing a Dora Olivo tee-shirt with a clerical collar in clear and plain view.”

“He is either a priest or impersonating a priest.  Either way, I’m hacked-off.  Plenty.  So I pull out my trusty little Nikon and start taking pictures.  He immediately holds the sign in his face.  I ask him to move it down and this is the best I got from him —

“So, I keep shooting and keeps keeps covering up, ashamed like Adam when God found him munching on a apple in the garden of Eden,” Juanita is getting wound up.

“Father,” I say, “be proud of who you are!”

“There wasn’t any proud to be found,” she says, “except for me when I got home and found one good shot where you can see the edge of his collar .”

“If you know this man, please let me know if he’s a priest out campaigning or a jerk impersonating a priest,” Juanita asks.  “Either way, I’d keep my little boys away from him.”

And she has one other charming and delightful story to tell.

“Long about 2:30, I was in Missouri City at a poll there.  You’ve heard me talk about my candidate for county chair, Steve Brown, running against the incumbent county chair, who I have long contended holds the land speed record for damn lazy.”

“Seriously, the woman has done diddle squat for Democrats.”

“So I was shocked when I pulled up to a poll and saw a man out campaigning for her,” Juanita says.  “He also has a car in the parking lot covered with Elaine Bishop signs.”

“I had to walk by the car to get to my handing-out spot.  Lo and hold – again! – I could not help but notice that the backseat of the car was filled with unplanted yardsigns. ”

She continues, “Son of a motherless goat!  I figured those were Steve Brown signs that some goofball had stolen from yards.  Day-um, I was hot.  There was gonna be blood, and if it was mine, that was fine but there was gonna be blood over this.  I was riled up and ready to …..”

“Whoa, wait,” she stops.  “Those are Elaine Bishop signs.”

“Look careful around the reflection and you’ll see the metal stakes of about 50 Elaine Bishop yardsigns in the back of a supporter’s car at 2:30 on election day.  Baby, she don’t have but about 25 yardsigns up all over the county and all the rest of her entire campaign is in a supporter’s backseat.”

“I stood there and laughed.  I called people over to see it, including her opponent, who was there working the crowd.”

Juanita sums it up, “Elaine raised a total of $200 for a county wide race, having just one contributor.  She bought pushcards.  I suspect she has at 90 % of them in her purse.  Her yardsigns are still in a backseat at 2:30 on election day.  But, Honey, that’s how she ran every Democratic effort  for the past 6 years.  That is more than she did for Barack Obama.”

“I want to tell you one thing.  If we lose to a finely oiled political machine like that, I quit. I quit politics.  The fix is in.”

UPDATE! Dora Olivo got her clocked cleaned tonight by my friend Ron Reynolds – proving that racism doesn’t motivate Democratic voters.  And, Elaine Bishop can use her yardsigns for kindling because she sure won’t be needing them for anything else.  Lazy looses.

By the way, of course I’m gloating.  I worked hard for it and I earned it.

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