Donald Dreck’s Next TV Show
By Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo
When Wanda Tonawanda first opened her scrapbooking store in Screech, Alabama, she was hoping to ride the wave of the latest hobby fad to financial security. But then “the gays” started coming to her store looking to preserve their wedding memories. “The whole thing went downhill from there,” Wanda said. “I refused to sell to them, and people refused to come to my store, and now my dreams of self-funding my own Presidential campaign someday are in ruins.”
Donald Trump wants Wanda.
Burl Merle Tarkington had a successful lawn care business in Irricanal, California, until a rival undercut his prices by paying his migrant workers 15 cents an hour less than the $1.50 Burl Merle was offering. “Now the Democrat bleeding hearts in Sacramento won’t even let us water lawns in the desert, because they made up global warming,” Burl Merle complained. “How can I single-fund a superPAC on these margins?”
Donald Trump wants Burl Merle.
Over in Rightnut, Illinois, Wilson “BoomBoom” Thunderstick was the self-proclaimed “Number One Supplier of Document-Free Weaponry in the Tri-County Area,” and has suffered no ill-effects to his business whatsoever since the Federal Assault Weapons Ban expired in 2004. Nevertheless, “I could be making thousands more a month, if only the libs would get their regulatory jackboot off my neck.”
Donald Trump REALLY wants BoomBoom Thunderstick.
Wanda, Burl Merle and BoomBoom are all contestants in the new Donald Trump / FOX reality series Victims of America’s War on Victims. “The object of the series is to find America’s Biggest Loser, except that title was taken already,” said a source within the Trump camp who requested anonymity. “Whoever can best pretend to be injured by truth, justice or self-inflicted karma and somehow blame Democrat America will win, as sure as my name is Donald Trump.”
Inspired by the way Mike Huckabee stapled himself to erstwhile Kentucky clerk Kim Davis at her “sister-wife-chic” coming out party, and looking to diversify into the WASP-grievance industry, Trump quickly gathered the best minds at the Steer Stone Diner in Castrati, IA, to strategize. The result: the least-grounded-in-reality reality series, ever.
“Contestants will compete in a series of challenges,” the Trump spokseman (who isn’t Donald Trump, ignore that other paragraph) said. “Stuff like, who can gather the most wingnut welfare via social media. Who can misquote more Bible verses in support of their position. Who can use the word “Freedom” for as many different parts of speech as possible in a single sentence. Stuff like that. Spelling doesn’t count, of course.”
As to what the winning loser gets? “We’re not 100% sure,” it’s really not Donald Trump said. “But we’re looking at Vice President.”
I can’t tell if this is very witty satire or actual news. Bravo in case it’s the former. (No, spelling never counts for rwnjs. “Obama is the Antchrist.”) But there should also be a category for who can wave the most American flags simultaneously.
1Primo, you nailed it, honey!
2If you want to be a contestant make a video of yourself building a cross and hoisting yourself onto it. Then show the cross surrounded, with their arms up in supplication; all the gay-hating bakers, pizza-makers, Kim Davis, Huckabee, and that woman who was complaining about losing her christian rights because a transgendered child was using the girl’s bathroom at school.
3kudos
4It’s the republican version of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Though Trump may be the most obvious fool touting how great he is and how great he will be for women veterans, the economy, on immigration, there is nothing there there. All of the Repugs are still running against President Obama and confidently tout the ruin of the country during his administration.
5Anybody with half a brain can see through those lies. They rely on their perception of themselves as victims of us evil liberals and hope this will produce a white KKKristian backlash which will win them respect and support. The Biggest Loser is our country.
Great article, thanks! They will, no doubt, have plenty of would-be contestants.
Ditto maryelle above.
6Thank you! Entertaining relatives this week while also working has really taken a toll. They are, astonishingly republican (WHY!) but I preempted the potential family incinerating conversations by declaring political talk off limits for the week, so this was a welcome read. Among the events for them was a visit to the Capitol, where they saw FOUR senators, Mikulski and another woman speaking about the support for women’s rights, and two men yapping about Iran and Abortion. Ho hum, nothing new there.
7When I read this out loud, it reminds me of “King Biscuit Flour Hour”! Guess tRump is sorta like Chuck U Farley! Thanks for the flashback!
8The Cosmic Muffin
you win
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