By Primo Encarnación y Hachecristo

When Wanda Tonawanda first opened her scrapbooking store in Screech, Alabama, she was hoping to ride the wave of the latest hobby fad to financial security. But then “the gays” started coming to her store looking to preserve their wedding memories. “The whole thing went downhill from there,” Wanda said. “I refused to sell to them, and people refused to come to my store, and now my dreams of self-funding my own Presidential campaign someday are in ruins.”

Donald Trump wants Wanda.

Burl Merle Tarkington had a successful lawn care business in Irricanal, California, until a rival undercut his prices by paying his migrant workers 15 cents an hour less than the $1.50 Burl Merle was offering. “Now the Democrat bleeding hearts in Sacramento won’t even let us water lawns in the desert, because they made up global warming,” Burl Merle complained.  “How can I single-fund a superPAC on these margins?”

Donald Trump wants Burl Merle.

Over in Rightnut, Illinois, Wilson “BoomBoom” Thunderstick was the self-proclaimed “Number One Supplier of Document-Free Weaponry in the Tri-County Area,” and has suffered no ill-effects to his business whatsoever since the Federal Assault Weapons Ban expired in 2004. Nevertheless, “I could be making thousands more a month, if only the libs would get their regulatory jackboot off my neck.”

Donald Trump REALLY wants BoomBoom Thunderstick.

Wanda, Burl Merle and BoomBoom are all contestants in the new Donald Trump / FOX reality series Victims of America’s War on Victims. “The object of the series is to find America’s Biggest Loser, except that title was taken already,” said a source within the Trump camp who requested anonymity. “Whoever can best pretend to be injured by truth, justice or self-inflicted karma and somehow blame Democrat America will win, as sure as my name is Donald Trump.”

Inspired by the way Mike Huckabee stapled himself to erstwhile Kentucky clerk Kim Davis at her “sister-wife-chic” coming out party, and looking to diversify into the WASP-grievance industry, Trump quickly gathered the best minds at the Steer Stone Diner in Castrati, IA, to strategize. The result: the least-grounded-in-reality reality series, ever.

“Contestants will compete in a series of challenges,” the Trump spokseman (who isn’t Donald Trump, ignore that other paragraph) said. “Stuff like, who can gather the most wingnut welfare via social media. Who can misquote more Bible verses in support of their position. Who can use the word “Freedom” for as many different parts of speech as possible in a single sentence. Stuff like that. Spelling doesn’t count, of course.”

As to what the winning loser gets? “We’re not 100% sure,” it’s really not Donald Trump said. “But we’re looking at Vice President.”