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In today’s Houston Chronicle.

To avoid getting delayed behind noisy schoolkids waiting in line to pass through new metal detectors at the state Capitol, lobbyists are signing up for concealed handgun permits exempting them from the security checkpoints.

Visitors to the Capitol also now are subject to inspections of purses, bags and briefcases by Department of Public Safety officers.

The only people exempted are lawmakers, properly identified state employees or Texans who carry a pistol with a concealed handgun license — or just the license itself, which allows them to bypass the security lines for an express lane reserved for “CHL: Holders.”

“Every lobbyist in Texas is going to become a card-carrying member or a gun-carrying member,” lobbyist and former state lawmaker Pat Haggerty said. “We’re going to have more damn guns in here than we know what to do with.

“So, your concealed handgun is now your hall pass?” Juanita asks.

“Oh hell, let’s just let them show the concealed handgun instead of the license,” she suggests.  “Let’s man-up about this.  Pulling back your jacket to show off your weapon is far more sexually satisfying than flashing your winkie.”

“So I could carry an armory, two pounds of cocaine, and three small Taliban terrorists into the State Capitol as long as I have a CHL?  Don’t give me ideas,” she waves away any bad thoughts.

“Seriously, don’t.”

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Juanita is a tad peeved that in the Who We Are section, I neglected to mention that she fought at the Alamo but escaped at the last minute, living to ride with Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders.  She kicked Stalin in the rump and participated in a CIA mission to poison Pol Pot.

She also put the star on top the San Jacinto Monument, which was not as easy as it looks.

She’s also running for Governor of Arizona and the United States Senate.

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“Whatever is in the water in South Carolina makes you wonder why there aren’t more South Carolinians,”  Juanita pondered this morning after news that the female Republican gubernatorial candidate might be hiking the Appalachian trial in Salt lake City.

A second South Carolina GOP political consultant is claiming he had an affair with gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley — a one-night stand in her hotel room at a June 2008 school choice conference in Salt Lake.

Here’s the twist: the consultant, Larry Marchant, worked until his resignation yesterday for Andre Bauer, the current lieutenant governor and one of Haley’s opponents in the Republican gubernatorial primary, which is just five days away.

“I think you lose 5 percentage points at the polls if you’re a political candidate not doing the wild thing in South Carolina.  I think it’s kinda expected.  You know, like in Texas it’s expected that your Governor be dumb as bean dip.”

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As most of you know, we have a Lyndon LaRouche “Democrat” nutty lady running for Congress here. Her name is Kesha Rogers.

“The LaRouchers hate baby boomers, the Queen of England, Barack Obama, and weather,” Juanita reports.

“Kesha entered the race and crazy immediately went wholesale,” Juanita shakes her curls and grins.  “Keisha Rogers fancies herself a smarty pants.  Apparently, she has never looked around herself at the goofy people holding up her signs.  They make the Teabaggers look informed.”

More than once, Juanita has said that Kesha’s followers wear tin foil hats.

Customer Chloe reports that maybe those tin foil hats are doing more harm than good.

MIT studied it and reports that —

“…on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government’s invasive abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason. “

“On the upside, maybe we could get them to tune into BP’s communications and see what batcrap crazy scheme is next,” Juanita hopes.  “Apparently, they’ve already heard something that the rest of us haven’t.  According to Kesha’s website —-”

May 25, 2010 — There is only one reason to explain the sheer and utter negligence and insanity of President Obama on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. As economist Lyndon LaRouche stated today, “The President is a traitor and a British agent.” This should be absolutely clear to everyone. The ‘B’ in B.P. stands for British and that is who the President is acting to protect and defend. This is shown very strongly with the President’s appointment of former World Wild Life Fund Director, William Reilly, to head up investigations on the criminal negligence of British Petroleum.

“Barack Obama is a British agent?  That’s very cool,” Juanita grins.  “Is he 008?”

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Best xkcd Ever!

Click the little one to get the big one or just go here.

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Juanita wants to introduce you to a guy named E. V. Blissard.  E. V. is a cranky old man who lives near Huntsville and hasn’t smiled or had a pleasant thought in the 35 years that Juanita has known him.  I’m not changing his name here because he’s not innocent so there’s no need to protect him.  He’s not made-up.  He’s real.

He’s a Teabagger.  And that’s only because he’s a greedy, mean, hateful racist.  And those are his good points.

He sends Juanita emails every day.  Most of them are just flat racist.  You know, like the one of Obama in a witch doctor mask and Michele in hooker clothes.  Juanita has made it a point to ignore them.

“I just delete them before I open them because E.V. is so narrow minded that he can see through a keyhole with both eyes at once,” she reports.  “Additionally, I can’t post the gosh-awful racist things he says because i don’t want to give him free advertising.”

But, apparently, Juanita’s attitude is changing.

“E.V.’s emails always start with ‘You can check this out on Snopes,’ and when you do, you find that it’s wrong.  However, since they won’t let him sit on the front porch and throw rocks at little kids and puppies anymore, E.V. spends all day on the internet machine throwing rocks at Barack Obama,” Juanita laughs.

“You can’t argue with him because he’s always right no matter what.  That happens when you haven’t had any hoochy koochy in 50 years, which from the looks of things is the problem with most Teabaggers.  Everybody has just been too nice to say it until now.  But, dammit, I’m saying it.  Those people need some sparkin’. I mean it.”

Let’s get back to E.V.’s latest email before Juanita embarrasses Momma.

Here it is.

CHECK THIS OUT…FROM OUR COMMANDER-IN-GRIEF

Let’s take the bugger down through the Internet… Seems the majority of the press are worshiping at his feet….Someone could put this
on facebook…

If each person sends this to a minimum of twenty people on their address list, in three days, all people in The United States of America would have the message… I believe this is one proposal that really should be passed around.

THIS WILL CURDLE YOUR BLOOD AND CURL YOUR HAIR

The name of the book Obama is reading is called:

The Post-American World and it was written by a fellow Muslim.

“Post America” means the world After America!

Please forward this picture to everyone you know conservative or liberal. We must expose Obama’s radical ideas and his intent to bring down our beloved America!

“E. V. only knows 12 people because that’s all he sent it to.  Sadly, I am one of them,” Juanita says.

“Okay, first off, you can check it on Snopes.  It is not an Anti-American book and those who watch the Daily Show, long after E.V. has gone to bed at 7:30 p.m., know Fareed Zakaria well and aren’t the least bit scared of him.

“But, I don’t think that’s their complaint,” Juanita says.  “They are upset because we have a President who can read something other than My Pet Goat.”

“I’m perfectly serious.  I think they should just send out the email saying, ‘He’s carrying a damn book, people.  Let’s impeach his butt!’“

Okay, so now you’ve met E.V.  I have a feeling this won’t be the last of him.