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“Guys in dresses who swear off women can be very entertaining, but I wouldn’t trust them with my mortal soul,” Juanita admits.

Italian authorities are investigating the Vatican Bank over possible violations of money laundering regulations, the Bank of Italy told CNN Tuesday.

Another Italian bank alerted Bank of Italy investigators to two Vatican Bank transactions that did not appear to comply with anti-money laundering requirements, the Bank of Italy said.

When Bank of Italy investigators told legal authorities about the transactions, they were told that judicial authorities were already investigating the Vatican Bank, a source close to the investigation said.

The Vatican said Tuesday that it is “perplexed and baffled” by the public prosecutor’s actions and that the Holy See aims for “complete transparency” in its financial operations.

“I’m wondering what ‘complete transparency’ means coming from these guys.  It’s not like they’ve got a great record of trust, you know.”

“Local authorities seized $30 million of Vatican money.  What is wrong with you boys?  Sister Teresa could have used that money, dammit.”

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Jim Hightower, the smartest man in Texas, once said that the only thing in the middle of the road is yellow stripes and dead armadillos.

And Maine Senator Susan Collins joins that esteemed crowd today.

“Susan Collins has more excuses than the Austin High School attendance office,” Juanita says.  “She’s now saying that although she supports the repeal of DADT, she will vote with the other hateful people in the senate and filibuster it.”

“You know, I think we should call their bluff.  Let them filibuster and make them follow the rules.  Let those old jerks have to speak day and night and continually think of terrible things to say about why our brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, friends, and lovers are not fit to fight and die for their country.  I’m sick of their danged threats.  Make them do it.  Let America see them for what they are — cowards.”

And now Juanita will put away the soap box.

But we know where to find it and she’s liable to stand on it again.

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For the third time in a month, a major Tea Party event has been canceled.

According to the Las Vegas hotel that was supposed to play host to the second national tea party convention, the much-hyped event has been canceled.

I do not know where Tea Partiers will go for vacation with this sad news, but I suspect they’ll get in the motorhome and drive from Vegas to Branson, where they will see an Oak Ridge Boys concert at 10:30 in the morning, eat at the pasta buffet, and get back to the van in time to see All My Children.

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Sometimes you come upon an idea so wonderful, so sweet, that you stand in amazement that somebody didn’t think of it before now.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Authorities say security for last weekend’s canceled Quran burning at a central Florida church cost around $200,000. City officials say they expect the church to pay.

Police Maj. Rick Hanna said more than 200 officers were on duty last weekend patrolling the church, the University of Florida football game and “soft targets” like the mall. Another 160 sheriff’s deputies were also working because of the planned protest at Dove World Outreach Center.

“Life would be so much better if stupid was painful and grandstanding cost money,” Juanita told me this morning.

I kinda agree.

(I want to thank Cheboygan Carl for this heads-up.  It ain’t everybody who has a friend in Cheboygan.)

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Most of you know that Justice Jim Sharp is not Juanita’s favorite Texas Democrat.  He’s also pretty much not her favorite anything right now.  You probably recall his swanky fundraiser invitation just a week ago that should win the Whoa, Hon, That’s Tacky Commemorative Award.

Well, now he’s outdone himself.  Big Jim gave an interview to the Austin American Statesman where he whined that Texas Democrats need far more old white guys on the ticket because Texas is “ostensibly” a racist, sexist state.  And then, to put some jelly in that donut, he said that Bill White is not qualified to be Governor. And he said it all on tape.  No, seriously, that’s the trifecta of the ignorant jerk contest.  You can’t pull stunts like that sober and smart.

Juanita is not shocked. She contends that Jim’s theory is a whole lot like saying, “Martin, I don’t think you should march down there in Selma …. It’s a very anti-black environment.  It’s ostensibly racist, you know.  We better not go there.”

“Jim thinks the voters should not have put Linda Chavez Thompson on the statewide Democratic ticket because she’s …. well, not white and male.  I’m sure that Linda apologizes deeply for that, along with  all the other non-white males in the state, for all the bother we cause you, Jim.”

“Jim,” she says, “gets elected because he has a name a whole lot like a politician who is very beloved in this part of the state – John Sharp.  Jim thinks this makes him the smartest man on earth.”

“Jim thinks that Bill White shouldn’t be Governor because he hasn’t held statewide office.  I know Bill White,” Juanita announces. “He’s been in the White House.  He’s qualified to be President of the United States.  Tomorrow.  Give him 20 minutes of Hebrew lessons and he could perform a bar mitzvah.”

“Governor?  Oh, please.  Best I can tell, the duties of Governor consist of sitting in a $20,000 a month rent house and threatening to secede.”

“Bill White as Governor will probably have time to coach a little league football team and make several guest appearance at the Midland / Odessa Community Theater.”

“So, Jim, it’s not the first time I’ve told you and I’m sure it won’t be the last — Kiss my big blue butt, you arrogant son of  goat.”

She means it.

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“You know,” began Juanita this afternoon while restocking the curler shelf, “I betcha that Republicans deeply regret the day they decided that Bill Clinton’s kabootalin’ life was everybody’s business.”

“And although John Edwards gave them a run for their money, they are leading the nasty boys race by twelve or sixteen laps.  In the kinky race, they are the clear and proud winners.”

“There’s another one.  In Wisconsin, a 50 year old Republican law-and-order prosecutor was sexting a 26 year old sex abuse victim.  That’s lower than a snake’s navel on a canyon floor.  Honey, he could wear a ten gallon hat and still walk under an armadillo,” she suspects.

A police report shows he repeatedly sent Stephanie Van Groll text messages in October 2009 trying to spark an affair.

“Are you the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA … the riskier the better?” Kratz, 50, wrote in one message. In another, he wrote: “I would not expect you to be the other woman. I would want you to be so hot and treat me so well that you’d be THE woman! R U that good?”

“He sent 30 messages like that.  Goodness sakes, maybe if he was using his hands in a very anti-Christine O’Donnell way instead of texting, he wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“But, he was kind enough to provide us with insight into the Republican male mind.”

Van Groll at first was polite, saying Kratz was “a nice person” and thanking him for praise. By the second day, she responded with answers such as “dono” or “no.” Kratz questioned whether her “low self-esteem” was to blame for the lack of interest.

“I’m serious! I’m the atty. I have the $350,000 house. I have the 6-figure career. You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!” he texted.

“So, a nice house and money makes a really unfortunate looking man suddenly become a ‘prize?’  Ohmygosh, that explains why they don’t want to pay taxes.  That’s perfectly good hoochy money they’re spending!”