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…. John McCain.

As most of you have heard, we’re having a drought.  It’s a bad one.  Hell, half the cows in Texas are giving powered milk.  I heard it’s supposed to rain a little next week and they’re gonna let school out for it.

Since it’s as dry as Moses in the middle of the Red Sea, most of Arizona, New Mexico and West Texas are on fire.

John McCain says that the fires are being started by … come on, you know … not abortions …. not high taxes … not gun control … not gay marriage, but you’re getting close … there ya go!  Illegal immigrants.

U.S. Sen. John McCain is blaming illegal immigrants for starting some of the wildfires that have scorched hundreds of thousands of acres in Arizona.

“There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally,” McCain, R-Arizona, said Saturday at a press conference. “The answer to that part of the problem is to get a secure border.”

McCain said that illegal immigrants set such fires either to send signals, keep warm or distract law enforcement agents. But he did not specify which fires allegedly had been started by illegal immigrants, nor did he identify his sources or provide details of the “substantial” evidence he cited.

Yes, sireee, we’re having a whole lot of trouble keeping warm right now.  Take Laredo, Texas, for example.  They have a cold front coming in on Wednesday —

And smoke signals?  Oh yeah, that’s what those ponchos are for, ya know.  Devious little devils, aren’t they?  And their favorite game is Light a Fire and Try to Outrun it.

I have a different take on this and it’s just a probable as John’s.  If you think about it, none of this was happening until Sarah Palin moved to Arizona.  And Sarah Palin wouldn’t have moved to Arizona if John McCain hadn’t made her famous.  So …. maybe all this is John McCain’s fault.

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Remember when I sighed heavily that General Ricardo Sanchez didn’t even have a website a full month after he announced?

Well, apparently that very day, his handlers got a website up.  And, from the look of it, they spent a whole 2, 3 hours on that sucker.  It doesn’t take much time to copy and paste talking points from the Democratic Leadership Council on three issues.

Whatever little gnome they have tied up in a dark room to spew out words for Ben Barnes’ anointed candidates apparently got fed this month.

The bottom line is this:  Lt. Col. Rick Noriega, who was not their anointed candidate, raised $6 million on his own and got a higher percentage of the vote than Bill White, who was their anointed and even dream candidate.

Hell, we need to run Noriega again.  Or, at least somebody who can talk while Ben Barnes is drinking water.  Wendy Davis, maybe?

Go look at that sucker.  His slogan is “For a unified and prosperous Texas!”?  Who writes that stuff?  Gee, for five bucks, I’ll write, “For a clean and happy Texas.”  Oh wait.  You have to put an exclamation point at the end so people will know to get excited about it.  I forgot the most important part.

Then check this out:

His belief is that, at the most fundamental level, the issues confronting Texas and the country boil down to three:  Securing the future of Texas and America, protecting the rights and ensuring opportunity for all Americans, and recapturing the American dream.

What the fool tarnation does any of that mean?  He is for what is good and against what is bad?

I read his words about the economy and job creation three times and I still have no idea what his solutions are except that he wants to have cake and eat it, too.

My suggestion is that you take down that website right now.  Scrap that sucker before people start trying to actually wade through it, and copy it to hold against Sanchez and last gasping breath of the Democratic Party.

You know, I am hoping against history that Sanchez is a really good man who will break away from his handlers and lead the Democratic Party back to being the party of people.  He needs something more than exclamation points to get me excited.

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Yesterday, Governor Rick Perry vetoed the ban against texting while driving bill.

“I support measures that make our roads safer for everyone, but House Bill 242 is a government effort to micromanage the behavior of adults,” Perry wrote in his explanation of one of his vetoes.

Uh, what is a seatbelt requirement?  Or proof of insurance requirement?  Or the ban against driving while intoxicated?

“Now, right here you got yourself a Governor who pushed hard to force a transvaginal sonogram on woman planning to do something perfectly legal and constitutionally protected by Having the government put a probe in her vagina against her will, but a ban on texting while driving is too much government interference,” Juanita explains to people from foreign states.

“Since when did we get the freedom to drive unsafely?  But, more importantly,” she asks, “every damn time a texting driver kills or injures someone, does Rick Perry get to put a notch in his belt?”

“We micromanage the behavior of adults all the time.  You cannot run through your neighborhood wearing nothing but a coonskin hat and a pleasant smile.  You cannot fix stubborn stoplights with your 12 gauge.  Who knew?  I certainly didn’t.  You cannot moon the Governor, and that seems unnecessarily restrictive to me,” she says.

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Y’all, it’s Friday.  Work is done.  I pour a glass of wine.  And then, dammit, Louie Gohmert has to harsh my mellow.

Louie Gohmert: Muslim Police

Speaking on the House floor yesterday, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) charged that the Obama administration had been ‘complicit in helping people who want to destroy our country’ and speculated that a mistake then-Senator Obama made on the campaign trail in 2008 might have been an admission that the president’s loyalties are actually with the Organization of the Islamic Conference.

No, seriously.  Louie Gohmert is the gift from Tom DeLay that never, ever, quits giving …. nausea, gas, indigestion,  heartburn, muscle pain, hiccups, blinding headaches, leg cramps, paper cuts, warts, hangnails, hammer toe, and has been known to cause eleven cases of UFO hysteria with the shine off his head.

And what factual evidence does Gohmert use to support his view that President Barack Obama wants to destroy our country?

It goes back to a speech the President made in 2008.  Louie explained this on the floor of the United States House of Representatives.

And I know the president made the mistake one day of saying he had visited all 57 states, and I’m well aware that there are not 57 states in this country, although there are 57 members of OIC, the Islamic states in the world.

And you thought Louie was just slapping his tongue around in his mouth, and words were just coming out all random and stuff.  Well,  I guess Louie showed you.

“Dumber than bean dip,” Juanita sighs.  “And, thanks to Tom DeLay, we can never get him out of office.  Our only hope is that a Muslim will shake his hand and Louie has to chew off his own arm to get rid of the cooties.”

Juanita calls him Gohmert Pyle.

Thanks to Steve and Karen for the heads up.

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TAMPA, Fla. — Mitt Romney sat at the head of the table at a coffee shop here on Thursday, listening to a group of unemployed Floridians explain the challenges of looking for work. When they finished, he weighed in with a predicament of his own.

“I should tell my story,” Mr. Romney said. “I’m also unemployed.”

He chuckled. The eight people gathered around him, who had just finished talking about strategies of finding employment in a slow-to-recover economy, joined him in laughter.

“Are you on LinkedIn?” one of the men asked.

“I’m networking,” Mr. Romney replied. “I have my sight on a particular job.”

You’re not unemployed, Mitt.  Out of touch?  Yes.  Goofy dork with no clue how to relate to real people?  Yep.

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A recent poll in Texas showed that both Rick Perry and Ron Paul are about as popular as Ebola Virus in Texas right now among the people who know them best.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry placed fourth in the new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll with the support of 8 percent of likely Republican primary voters, while Houston-area Rep. Ron Paul ranked fifth with 7 percent.

Frontrunner Mitt Romney, the former Massachusetts governor, received 30 percent support from poll respondents, followed distantly by former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, 14 percent, and ex-Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain, 12 percent.

Okay, Ron and Rick, huddle up here.  Both of you are trailing a black guy who hasn’t even shown his birth certificate yet.

Juanita is beginning to think that you two could run unopposed and still lose.