Here’s the front page of the Houston Chronicle today.  (Click the little one to see the big one.)

Drought Costs Farmers, Rancher $5.2 Billion.  And that’s not even counting busted water mains all over Houston and Dallas, house foundations cracking like a cement symphony across the state, and people croaking because they get too hot to sweat.

It is 102 degrees outside my door and that’s actual thermometer degrees, not liberal conspiracy wimpy heat index degrees.  However, that was the last time I checked.  I can’t go outside very often today because on top of the heat, we’re having an ozone alert.

And the last time we had rain was Noah’s flood.

But, take a look at the other side of that front page: Rick Perry does not believe that global warming is real.  No, sireeee.  That’s just more of that liberal hippie stuff that real scientists at Oral Roberts University have a grant from Shell Oil Company to disprove.

So what’s causing all this mess we got?  Maybe it was an Act of God, like the BP oil spill.

I understand that Rick is up where it is nice and cool in New Hampshire and even imported some hay from Texas so he could show off his boots.  I guess he didn’t think that Texas cows might need that hay.

I’m hot, Rick, and not just under the collar.

So could you kinda fess up that all your praying for rain didn’t work and that maybe Texas farmers and ranchers might need some federal help?  Else maybe we should park your worthless butt over in Paskel’s pasture to spend a few days with Elsie and Belle, trying to find shade and water.

By the way, Rick, here’s the forecast for ozone oozing Houston today.

The Texas Miracle is how we’re surviving in this damn weather.

The state legislature of Ohio is pondering on putting a bar in the basement of the state capitol.

Would I kid you about something this serious?

Can you even imagine how this would work in Texas?  I mean, gosh, they’re already armed so all we need is for them to get a little drunk.  The resulting shoot out might lead to good government.

If only we’d serve drinks at the state capitol…..

Now when Debbie Riddle sleeps in front of the door for three days to file the first anti-immigration bill, everyone will know she’s not hateful, just drunk.

Leo Berman?  Well hell, I’ve suspected he’s been drunk for 30 years anyway.

We’d finally understand where Paul Burka comes up with this stuff.

There would be an explanation for that goofy grin on Dwayne Bohac face other than the fact that his underwear is too tight.

If we could put a mirror behind the bar, Dan Patrick would never leave, which is a good thing.

Wayne Christian could start a throw beer nuts in the air and catch them in your mouth game instead of a culture war game.

Larry Phillips might pass out and shut the hell up while other people are talking.

Jeff Wentworth could stumble over to UT and try to drunk-text everybody he thinks is carrying a gun.

And we could watch Charlie Howard chin up to the bar because his belly won’t reach that high.

Several Republicans could open a booth volunteering to do free vaginal sonograms with the purchase of a six pack.

Go on … add to the list if you want.  It’s pretty much endless.

Thanks to Carol for the heads-up.

Okay, I need to admit upfront that I think Robert Morrow is nuttier than  LaBlanc’s Pecan Shoppe at Christmas time.

Morrow is the guy who is convinced that Rick Perry is making whoopie with strippers all over Texas, but they won’t come forward to talk about it for fear of hurting their reputation.  Hey, ya gotta admit that Texas strippers enjoy a  level of prestige unmatched by strippers from … say, Alabama.

I have come to believe that Mr. Morrow, who is a Republican, is the King of Disinformation.  His shenanigans are meant to lend macho to Perry’s character and distract us from the fact that Rick Perry IS A STOOPID CRAZY PERSON.

Whoa … that felt good.  Thank you for letting me holler.  But you need to click here if you don’t believe me.  It’s been over 100 degrees everyday in Texas for over a month and we haven’t had rain since Noah’s flood.

Anyway, back to our story.  Morrow took out a giant ad in the Austin Chronicle today that you’re gonna have to help me with.

Here’s the ad.  Click the little one to get the big one.

Okay, so here’s the deal.  I get the part that Morrow is offering publicity (but apparently not CASH) for strippers, hotties, and escorts who want to claim they’ve done the wild thing with Rick Perry.  And at the very, very bottom, he’s even telling gay people what they ought to do, because Morrow sounds like the kind of guy who would know what people ought to do, right?

But there is a line above the very, very bottom that I don’t get.  I will freely admit that I’m 30 years and 35 pounds past being a hottie, so maybe it’s something new and fun I haven’t heard about yet.

It says, “Offer not valid for enabling wives wearing Hillary Clinton boots.”

What the fool tarnation does that mean?

Is that something kinky?  No, seriously, is it?

I don’t know what that means.  Do you know what that means?

Tom DeLay defending Rick Perry’s idea of secession.  (It opens to a new You Tube.)

Oh, what a thing of beauty.

By the way, Texas cannot legally secede from the union.  We can, however, split into 7 (corrected:  meant to type 5) states.

Okay, so Rick Perry parades out and makes some major gaffes.  How does the Austin American Statesman put it in their headline?

Perry’s confidence sometimes causes problems, as Bernanke comments show

I hate to think that I’m going to have to drive all the way to Austin and walk into their newsroom to give a lecture on the difference between confidence and dumb.

And y’all ask why he keeps getting elected in Texas?

This is why.