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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied “A martini please.”

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?” The man answered “Oh, about 174.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc…

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what would he have? “A martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “What is your IQ sir?”

This time the man answered, “Oh, about 120”. So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh…… bout 50″.

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

“A-r-e…

y-o-u-r…

p-e-o-p-l-e…

r-e-a-l-l-y

g-o-i-n-g…

t-o…

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e….

R-i-c-k…P-e-r-r-y?”

Thank to Robert for the great Friday heads-up.

So a fancy pants professor at Texas A&M University wrote an editorial in the Houston Comical this morning.  He was trying to say that Rick Perry was not doing well on the national stage because Rick speaks Texan and the rest of the country doesn’t.

That’s pure unadulterated Caca de Toro.

Rick Perry is not doing well on the national stage because he’s an undereducated idiot.

Professor John R. Hanson II can kiss my butt.  I am a fifth generation Texan, totally educated in Texas public schools and universities, and I’ll take on all comers with Shakespeare or Aristophanes.  I know the poetry of Dante and Willie Nelson.   We are not some hick outpost.  Nor have we developed some kind of language that only twins understand.

And then the professor tries this little ditty —

It is therefore not surprising that our leading politicians today have a handicap performing on the national stage. Nor did previous political leaders from Texas, such as Lyndon Johnson, Lloyd Bentsen, John Connally or Sam Rayburn have reputations as grand orators.

First off, Lyndon Johnson and Sam Rayburn performed pretty darn well when it came to wielding power.

But, more importantly, did Hanson not hear Barbara Jordan?  Ann Richards?  Bill Moyers?  Charlie Wilson?  Henry Cisneros?   Senfronia Thompson?  And I know you Texans out there can help me with other names I’m forgetting in my desire to drive to College Station today and get all up in Professor Hanson’s face.

Hell, Cicero probably came from Texas.

Thanks to Bubba for the heads-up this morning when he spit coffee all over his newspaper while reading that it’s Texas’ fault that Rick Perry can’t communicate with adults.

What we like in Texas are people with convictions, and preferably not the kind you get down at the courthouse.  But, almost any kind will do in a pinch.

Take, for example, Stuart Spitzer.  Stuart is a Super DeLux SpectraVision New and Improved Brand Christian who thinks that what Texas needs is more crazy people from East Texas wandering into Austin to tell the rest of us how to behave ourselves.  He is running against an incumbent Republican who is all the things Stuart is except maybe the SpectraVision thing.

So, right off the bat, Stuart puts up a website.  Now, to be honest, I don’t know how much this will help him, being as how most folks in East Texas think that the internet machine is pretty much a tool of the devil.  Some of them even look askew at electricity.

But Stuart presses on, trying unsuccessfully to get up one of those cute rotating screens to introduce himself.  This is what he ended up with.  Click the little one to get the big one.

I think that pretty much perfectly sums up the GOP stance on anti-choice.  Blah, blah, blah.

Same crap, new website.  (And, yes, I know it’s a placeholder, but it is so entertaining to see a Republican struggle and then give the hell up because he can’t figure out why the dickens he’s pro-life.)

Thanks to Mr. Blah for the heads-up.

We are getting the first heavy rain we’ve had in a year.

I get this message from the Tell Juanita section of the website —

Sitting here on my in-laws back porch, enjoying the cool, heavy rain, it occurs to me that Slick Rick asked the wrong brand of prayer-people to ask for God’s intervention.

Happy New Year to you and yours.

Nick Green

Indeed.

Sometimes Ebay is the most entertaining place on the planet.

Want a six foot tall Rick Perry head?  Only $4,500.  Would I kid you?

According to Ebay (and I’m putting all this here because they will eventually take it down.) —

Rick Perry has a hole in his head.  Lots of them, in fact.   For sale is a 6′ terra cotta flower planter in an extraordinary likeness of Rick’s head.  The outline of his hair is surprisingly accurate, with holes throughout to grow lush grass, flowing ivy or flowering plants.  Prayer plants might be appropriate.

The bust was initially used by Dairy Waste Management (www.cowwow.com), a company which manufactures COW WOW, a liquid fertilizer made from dairy cow manure without the manure odor.  Last year they commissioned busts of Perry and Bill White, former mayor of Houston and Perry’s opponent in the 2010 gubernatorial election.  The “hair” of each candidate was ivy nourished by Cow Wow, and voters were asked to vote for their favorite hair (www.votecowwow.com).  Nobody had to split hairs in that race – Bill White won by a landslide.  Ivy can certainly level a playing scalp.

At last year’s ACL Music Festival in Austin, Rick’s larger-than-life head entertained thousands of concert-goers who kissed his cheeks, picked his nose, inspected his ears and tickled his ivy.

The shrewd buyer of this iconic planter can plop it in the front yard, proud to show a growing support for the presidential candidate.  Or head ‘em up, move ‘em out and circle the Capitol with Rick and his colorful locks in the back of a pickup.

Hmmm, Rick stated at a Tea Party debate that he would be offended if somebody thought he could be bought for $5,000.  He obviously hasn’t evaluated his worth as a gigantic planter.  You can secure this bad boy for only $4,500.

This one-of-a-kind marvel can be picked up in Blanco, Texas.  Bill White’s head is also for sale, if anybody is interested.

Plants are not included.  A gallon of Cow Wow is.

There ya got it.  Right there is Rick Perry:   manure without the manure odor.  Pretty much says it all.

Thanks to Debbie for the heads-up.