I want on the NRA Enemy List and I am hoping like crazy that getting on it does not involve cold, dead hands or Charlton Heston movies because both of those things creep me out.

Yea, Buddy, the NRA has an Enemy List and those suckers post it right on their website.

There are about a gazillion names on it but some just kinda stand out.

The AARP.  Are you serious?  Honey, I will pit my walker, my oxygen tank, my cane, and a bottle of Centrum Silver that weighs about 10 pounds up against anything you got, Big Wayne.  I do not need an assault rifle; I’ve had so many X-Rays that I can kill you with radiation.

American Association for the Surgery of Trauma.  Now, I can understand you listing the American Academy of Pediatrics as an enemy, but you’d think a trauma surgeon would need the business you provide.

American Psychological Association.  Okay, this one I get.  I think they saw that crazy woman you brought to the hearing who claims that all women need scary-looking guns.  Dude, that was woo-wee-woo.

Congress of Neurological Surgeons.  Hope you guys never need a doctor.

League of Women Voters of the United States.  Or a date.

United Methodist Church, United Church of Christ, Paul Rabbi Menitaff, and United States Catholic Conference.  Or somebody to preach over your cold, dead hands.

Then comes Everybody in Hollywood, including Meryl Streep, The Temptations, Dick Van Dyke, and, Andy Williams, who has been dead for six months and I hope you had nothing to do with that.  I suspect you can retire his voo-doo doll.

Next comes Corporations, including  American Multi Cinemas Entertainment, Inc., Argosy Casino, Hallmark Cards, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Kansas City Royals, Levi Strauss & Co., Sara Lee Corporation, the  St. Louis Rams, Stoneyfield Farms Yogurt, and Time Warner Inc.  No wonder you guys go to the firing range – that’s the only place you don’t have enemies.

And, of course, every Newspaper and Magazine in America, including, oddly, Motorcycle Cruiser Magazine and McCalls.

And, Mary Lou Retton.  Seriously.  And Cathy Rigby.  Have mercy, Oh Lord, on the souls who hate Mary Lou Retton and Cathy Rigby.

And, The Wife of Mike Meyers.

I’m sure you’ll find other names and perhaps your own.

Personally, I will pay them ten dollars cash American money in unmarked bills to get on their enemy list.  It means that much to me, and I am just not up for the gymnastic Olympic team.

Warning to all members of Congress.  This is what happens when you cut Social Security.

And just for the record, I know I certainly feel safer with this gray menace behind bars.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Now, I do not wish ill-will to anybody (okay, almost anybody) and I think innocent bystander are the saddest two words in the English language.

But.

If Karma comes a’knockin’ as it did after the horrible tornadoes in Georgia …

Sadly, the Republican Congressman who currently represents that district, Phil Gingrey, voted against Sandy aid as did the Republican who represented that district until recent redistricting, Robert Woodall (GA-7, Adairsville). Woodall is on record as voting against aid for Hurricane Sandy victims. He explained this in a newsletter, writing, “(W)e almost always serve one another better locally than we do with a check from Washington, D.C.”

Good luck on that bake sale, Buddy.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

Once you start fantasizing about spanking people, it’s time to turn in your Lawmaker Badge.

Jerry, of course.

Montana State Rep. Jerry O’Neil (R) is sponsoring a bill to allow defendants to “bargain with the court” to receive “corporal punishment in lieu of incarceration.” The bill would apply to not just misdemeanor crimes, but also felonies — though the bill requires that the “exact nature of the corporal punishment to be imposed” be “commensurate with the severity, nature, and degree of the harm caused by the offender.”

Look, I frankly don’t care what Montana does because after reading this I have dissuaded myself of any desire to go to Montana, but you gotta promise me something.  If this bill passes, Jerry doesn’t get to watch.

Now, that would be justice.

Y’all, I need to issue an apology for Bill Zedler … well, actually I need to issue several apologies for Zedler, a member of the Texas Yehaw! Legislature.

Zedler was the guy who wanted strippers to have to obtain a license and wear it while performing.  He filed a bill that would allow doctors to inject jet fuel into patients – yes, the same doctor who contributed heavily to his campaign – and a bill to outlaw Sharia law in Texas.

So, what’s left?

Where the hell was Barack Obama born, dammit!

Yes, Zedler has introduced a birther bill to the Texas lege.  Yehaw!

It would allow the Texas Secretary of State to “obtain a certified copy of the candidate’s birth certificate from the original issuing authority” before that name could go on a Texas ballot.

Me?  Hell, I need proof that Zedler was sired by humans.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia can kiss my big blue butt.

Get ready for this.

Scalia goes to speak at SMU and says —

He spoke of schoolchildren coming to visit the Supreme Court and calling the Constitution a “living document.”

“It’s not a living document. It’s dead, dead, dead,” he said.

What the hell?  If it’s dead, you sorry sonuvabitch, it’s because you killed it.

You little pipsqueak, allow me to remind you of the words of Barbara Jordan during the impeachment of Richard Nixon —

Earlier today, we heard the beginning of the Preamble to the Constitution of the United States: “We, the people.” It’s a very eloquent beginning. But when that document was completed on the seventeenth of September in 1787, I was not included in that “We, the people.” I felt somehow for many years that George Washington and Alexander Hamilton just left me out by mistake. But through the process of amendment, interpretation, and court decision, I have finally been included in “We, the people.”

Today I am an inquisitor. An hyperbole would not be fictional and would not overstate the solemnness that I feel right now. My faith in the Constitution is whole; it is complete; it is total. And I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction, of the Constitution.

Scalia needs to resign.  If the constitution is dead, then I don’t have the right to vote.

This walleyed snot nosed hissy fit is brought to you thanks to Texas Ellen.