Louie!  Dammit.  There are no welfare Cadillacs.

Louie Gohmert comes down on the side of cutting SNAP funds because he has heard something really important.

The Texas congressman complained that Democrats had portrayed Republicans as evil because they supported a measure to cut nearly 2 million low-income people off the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, which would mainly impact working families with children.

On the other hand, Gohmert said, poor people were using food stamps to buy food that other Americans could not afford. He claimed his “broken-hearted” constituents had repeatedly told him they had seen people use food stamps to buy king crab legs.

First off, there is no repeatedly.  You live in Tyler, Texas.  The Piggly Wiggly in Tyler, Texas, does not carry king crab legs and even if they did, they would probably not be safe to eat.  Nobody in their right mind would buy king crab legs at the Tyler Texas Piggly Wiggly twice.

Second off, your constituents would not be “broked-hearted” if they did in fact see something like that.  They would be blazing mad and break at least six of the ten commandments right there on the spot.  Broken-hearted, my sweet patootie.  Louie, you can go to hell for lying the same as you can for stealing.

Third off, you have king crab legs in Tyler but you don’t have cell phone cameras?

Fourth off, shut the hell up.  All that corporate welfare that you just love buys yachts for CEO’s and stockholders while the rest of us can barely afford the gas to get to Piggly Wiggly.

You’re a jerk, Louie.

Customer Mule Breath sent us this crazybutt story from Albany, New York, where some rightwing fundamentalist were making a death ray machine to sell to American Jews or the Ku Klux Klan, whichever was buying.

No seriously.

A plot to design a radiation weapon that could fit in a small van and be used to silently kill humans was unraveled by an FBI task force that charged two men — a General Electric Co. industrial mechanic from Saratoga County and a computer software expert from Columbia County -— with conspiring to sell the weapon to Jewish groups or a southern branch of the Ku Klux Klan.

The idea was that you could drive down the street and radiate your enemies. You know, kinda microwave them through their windows.

The two guys with this bright idea – which they were close to carrying out – were not only members of the Klan, but also are listed online as members of several Tea Party groups.

There a Tea Party dude living across the street from me so ole Bubba and me are getting us a lead  façade for the front of our house.

Thanks to Mule Breath for the great read.

There’s good news. At 8:00 tonight, it was reported that over 400 people had signed up to speak against the bill denying safe legal abortions to Texas women.

That’s 400 times 3 minutes each. 1,200 minutes. That’ll take us down the road a piece.

Do not screw with Texas women, boyfriend. They own backhoes and high heels.

UPDATE:  At 9:30, the number is 500.  The citizen filibuster is working.

UPDATE: Final Count was 700.  90% of them did not get to testify because the Republican chairman shut down the hearing.  Click here to read about the hearing in the Austin American Statesman.

The Texas Legislature has gotten so damn contentious that Republicans are screaming at each other because Democrats don’t give a big bear’s butt if they’re screamed at.

It’s getting fun.

Pat Fallon, Screamer

We’ve got hearings on safe, legal abortions and redistricting going on.

Two North Texas freshman Republicans got so upset with each other in the redistricting caucus that they continued screaming like little girls in the hallway.

The argument appeared to be about proposed changes to House districts. The chamber is debating redistricting bills Thursday.

“You’re a liar,” state Rep. Pat Fallon of Frisco yelled at his colleague, state Rep. Bennett Ratliff of Coppell.

Other House Republicans tried to hush Fallon, but his fury wouldn’t ebb.

Bennett Ratliff, Touching His Buddy Gene

“Touch your buddy Gene because you’re in the same party as him,” a red-faced Fallon loudly continued, as Ratliff walked away and placed a hand on state Rep. Gene Wu, D-Houston, as he passed by.

I know and like Gene Wu, but I imagine he’s fixin’ to become the most touchable guy in Texas.  Every Democrat in the State will want their picture taken touching their buddy Gene Wu.  In fact, I’m gonna call Gene and tell him that I have a dollar cash money to get my picture with him, touching him.

Hell, I could make a fortune selling “Touch Me.  I’m Gene Wu’s Buddy” tee-shirts to Democrats.

It appears that Mr. Follow-the-Rules Ted Cruz is only in America because his Dad bribed some guy.

How ’bout them apples?

In a report Thursday on NPR about how Sen. Ted Cruz’s (R-TX) father shaped his vision on immigration, his father, Rafael Bienvenido Cruz, an immigrant from Cuba, said that while he “came to this country legally,” he basically bribed an official to get to the United States.

“A friend of the family — a lawyer friend of my father basically bribed a Batista official to stamp my passport with an exit permit,” the elder Cruz said.

So surely, armed with this information, Cruz will go stand on the border with his hand out.

Thanks to Carol for the heads up.