I saw these headlines and almost fainted.

Former “Saturday Night Live” cast member Victoria Jackson wants her next act to be as a Williamson County Commissioner.

Jackson, who moved to Thompson’s Station last year, is petitioning as an independent to become a candidate for one of two District 2 commission seats, currently held by commissioners Betsy Hester and John Hancock.

Get the smelling salts, Aunt Daisy.  (1)  We have a Williamson County in Texas, and (2) Victoria Jackson is Louie Gohmert Crazy.  I was terrified.

We’d have to add two extra days in every week just to load up all the crazy.  We’d have to call them Crazday and Loonday.  That means I’d have to buy a new calendar and I’m kinda partial to my almost nakkid firemen calendar.

Well, come to find out, she’s running in Williamson County, Tennessee, which appears to be just south of Nashville.

“I think the key to saving America is normal everyday citizens getting involved because we the people are supposed to be in control, not the government,” Jackson said.

Honey, if we were to divide America into a normal everyday citizen side and a crazier than a drunk mule side, you better open a distillery or you ain’t gonna have dinner money.

And then she said —

“I think I will fit in quite easily with (the current county commission),” Jackson said. “I went to the dentist recently and there was a Bible in the lobby of the dentist office. … I love this town. My two favorite things are here – Jesus and show business.”

Look, my two favorite things are pink feather boas and gospel music, but that does not make me qualified to run for office, you know?

Jackson said she has been researching the Muslim Brotherhood, Agenda 21 and the Common Core education standards, all of which she speaks sharply against.

None of which has diddle squat to do with county commissioning.

She did not know when to shuddup.

“I have no political aspirations. I just want to help save my country. It should be about ideology, not about who has the most money.” 

Honey, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that you’re making more money off Jesus than show business.  Maybe you need to get a third favorite thing.   I dunno.  Do you like coloring books?

Jackson’s full married name, which she officially filed with the Williamson County Election Commission, is Victoria Lynn Jackson-Wessel. However, she told deputy administrator Chad Gray that she wanted her name to appear on the ballot as Victoria Jackson “because she said people thought it said weasel.”

I don’t know what to say.  I really, really don’t.  And if I did, I’d probably just die of mortification.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Hello, North Carolina.

Furniture shopping can be far more dangerous than you suspected —

A man accidentally shot himself in the foot Monday afternoon at J&D Furniture Inc. on North Lafayette Street in Shelby, according to Shelby Police at the scene.

The man, an employee of the furniture store, had a gun in his back pocket that went off and the shot hit him in the foot, said Lt. Steven Seate with the Shelby Police Department.

And, trust me, this is not the way you want to make the front page of the newspaper.

Or, maybe it is.  I dunno.

Thanks to Brian for the heads up.

Okay, so the Republican Party is trying to fool people into donating to them when the people think they’re donating to Democrats.

Well, alert the damn media.  It ain’t like trying to fool people is virgin territory for them.  This ain’t no damn pilgrim experience for Republicans.

Republicans are defending a series of websites they established that appear to support Democratic candidates for Congress, but instead direct contributions to the GOP.

The National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC) said its websites were not confusing, and accused Democrats of crying foul because their candidates were struggling.

They refused refunds until a donor went to the media about it and now they are all like …. oh, not us, we will be delighted to refund money.

However, headlines like this —

— can hardly be classified as “news.”  It’s what they do in the normal course of business.

Thanks to Mike for the heads up.

People who believe in gravity even if it’s only a theory will want to be aware that religion has issued a challenge to science and you have a front row seat right here at The Creation Museum.

A debate between Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ken Ham the And Then Eve Gave Adam An Apple Guy will be shown on the internet machine starting at 7:00 tonight Eastern Time.  That’s 6:00 normal people time.

They promise it will be available on You Tube after the debate but warn …

Yes, the live stream is really 100% FREE of charge on debatelive.org as well as Google+ Hangouts On Air powered by YouTube, and will be available to re-watch on our YouTube channel immediately following the debate. (We are unsure how many days following the event the video will remain available on YouTube to re-watch.)

Well, isn’t that special?  I know things on YouTube that have been there 6 years.  Some maybe longer, but I know of some 6 year old ones personally.

I suspect how long it remains online depend on how much Bill Nye wins.  Wink.  Wink.

Join in and see it happen live!

Thanks to Mark for the heads up.

Riverside County, California.

A big tough guy who wanted to show little girls that this is still America, pulled a gun on a Girl Scout selling cookie at his front door.

A press release from the Riverside County Sheriff-Coroner’s office that the father of the girl, who is a minor, contacted authorities after he saw 59-year-old John Dodrill point the gun at his daughter while she was selling cookies door-to-door on Sunday.

“When the victim knocked on the suspect’s door, he opened the door and pointed a gun at her,” the release said.

I’m trying to think of the appropriate punishment for this but everything I can think of involves Medieval instruments and I think that’s against the law in California.

I will tell you this.  Had that happened with my daddy, they’d be calling 59-year-old John Dodrill “Limpin’ John” for the rest of his life.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Y’all have heard me talk about Fort Worth Pastor and TeeVee Evangelist John Hagee.

He’s a doozy who thinks everything is a sin except gluttony.  Well, his gluttony.  Your gluttony is probably still a sin.

Hagee thinks that Catholics allowed the wholesale slaughter of Jews and that Hurricane Katrina was God’s revenge for Homosexuality (which is believes is a seven syllable word).  He doesn’t think too highly of females (which makes you wonder about that whole seven syllable homosexuality thing) and has decided that slavery wasn’t really all that bad.

He has also decided that Dan Patrick would be a darn fine Lt. Governor for Texas.

“It has been my privilege to work with Senator Patrick over the past eight years on legislation in Austin designed to benefit the educational growth and development of Texas students. I know Senator Patrick to be a man of integrity, choosing right over wrong, ethics over convenience and truth over popularity.” Pastor John Hagee

Now that right there is some holy crap.

Ethics?  ‘Scuse me, did he say ethics?  You can say a lot of things about Dan Patrick but ethical ain’t one of them.

The Home Skool PAC also endorsed him but their chalkboard slates got accidentally erased in the mail.

Thanks to Kyle for the heads up.