Lufkin is the heart of East Texas, except it doesn’t have a heart.

It does, however, have an underwear thief.  Someone is breaking into houses and stealing women’s underwear.

The incident marks at least the 17th burglary in the area in which women’s and girls’ underwear has been taken.

The burglaries have occurred over the past couple years and remain unsolved. The case has law enforcement frustrated and warning residents to remain on alert.

Lufkin Police are handling the Tuesday burglary that they say almost was not reported at all. The residents decided to call police early Wednesday to report the break-in.

Verdelia says there are far too many weird people in East Texas already and now she has to worry about perverts on top of all that crazy political stuff.  She swears she’ll keep her windows rolled up, doors locked, and air conditioner off when she drives through East Texas on her way to gamble in Louisiana.  “First, they want my uterus and now my bloomers,” she laments.

The National Rifle Association was putting on a program at the Steel City Gun Club in Pennsylvania.

A New Jersey man attending the program shot himself in the leg.

Apparently, not on purpose.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

Everyone gets called a complete jackass at some time in their lives because, well, let’s face it, we probably shouldn’t have eaten the last of the cereal and then put the empty box back in the pantry. But just in case you were wondering “am I actually a complete jackass? Or just prone to occasional jerkiness?” wonder no more. Just take this simple quiz, and you will know.

1) The President of the United States is
a) Barack Obama
b) Illegitimate (by any definition you choose)
c) A foreigner
d) A dictator
e) A communist
f) A fascist
g) A Muslim
h) All of the above

2) The ultimate arbiter of history is
a) Historians
b) The victors
c) The Bible

3) The ultimate arbiter of science is
a) Peer review
b) Campaign donors with fat wallets
c) The Bible

4) People who decry racism, sexism and homophobia are
a) Right
b) Racist, sexist and gay – respectively
c) Impinging on my religious freedom
d) All the answers in #1 above
e) UnAmerican
f) Going to hell

5) The “invisible hand of the market” is
a) Code for “the rich get richer”
b) The same thing as the hand of God
c) Gonna git you, sucka
d) Always right
e) The cure for poverty, shingles & everything wrong in society
f) Democracy in action

6) A woman’s body is
a) Her business (and mysteriously awesome)
b) Suitable only for procreation and the comfort of a man
c) The only thing the government should regulate
d) Worth about 77% of a man’s body
e) My business
f) A temple of some magical ghost and subject to her husband
g) A future-patriot factory

7) The Second Amendment is
a) Not carte blanche to have an arsenal to use with impunity
b) The First Commandment
c) The only one that counts, oh, and 10 too
d) My license to kill
e) Proof that I’m a man
f) Better than porn

8) The Affordable Care Act is
a) The law of the land
b) The beginning of the end
c) The spawn of the devil
d) Gonna kill grandma, not that that’s a deal breaker
e) About to bankrupt America
f) A plot against white Christian Americans
g) All the answers in #1 above

Answer key:

All A: Congratulations, you are an intelligent human being and all-around good egg
1-2 Non-A: Go back and check your answers, and use a number 2 pencil this time!

3-6 Non-A: depending on which ones, you’re either steeple sheeple, a smart-ass (i.e. prone to occasional jerkiness) or randomly checking answers

7-8 Non-A: Not only are you a first-class asshole, you’re inherently evil, incredibly un-American, invincibly ignorant, and you probably eat Puppy Chow for breakfast – made of real puppies.

Oh Dear, I think Eric Holder means business.

And speaking of Louie, don’t you wonder what this expenditure was for last month?  Click the little one to see the big one.

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And lookie who gave him money  –

You know, there ought to be a law against ripping off consumers.

Police in East Texas have arrested a woman after she called them to complain about the quality of the marijuana she had purchased from a dealer.

Lufkin police Sgt. David Casper said Monday that an officer went to the home of 37-year-old Evelyn Hamilton to hear her complaint that the dealer refused to return her money after she objected that the drug was substandard.

Well, who the hell did you expect her to call?  Eric Holder?

But how you know this could only happen in Texas is —

Casper says she pulled the small amount of marijuana from her bra when the officer asked if she still had it.

In Texas, your bra is your storage facility when you do not wish to carry a purse.  Lipstick, money, a candy bar, some Tums, a cell phone, and vast amounts of etc. go in your bra.  I have made actual clanking sounds when removing my bra in the evening.

I know you people from Ohio or Nebraska are asking, “But doesn’t that mean there’s bulges in your upper regions?”  Well, duh.  That’s the whole point.  We don’t need no damn plastic surgery.  And if some fool man complains when you take off your bra, give him the damn candy bar.  That’ll shut him up.

Thanks to Ted for the heads up.

Tip #1 – Do not hunt with Republican elected officials.

Tip #2 – Never forget Tip #1

Oklahoma state Rep. Steve Vaughn (R) admitted to accidentally shooting a comrade on a hunting trip in March, according to The Oklahoman.

Vaughn said he apologized to fellow hunter Drew Ihrig after a shotgun pellet from the lawmaker’s 12-gauge shotgun struck Ihrig in the side of the head.

“I shot at the bird and, I guess, one of my BBs hit this guy,” Vaughn told The Oklahoman. “It could have bounced off a tree. He was in some trees. I really didn’t see him that good in the trees. And…it hit the side of his face. I didn’t even know I hit him.”

You’ve been warned.

Thanks to Charles for the heads up.