Baseball is a game that requires a certain amount of intellect to understand and enjoy.  That right there leaves out any Governor of Texas currently in office.

Baseball is also a game filled with superstition and voodoo and all manner of jinxes.  Just watch Joe Altuve at bat.  It takes a full minute for him to go through his routine, rituals, and thumb kissing to walk to the plate before every pitch. I am sure that even he will admit that it hasn’t been working too well lately but to change the routine blessings to the baseball gods would mean the roof would fall in on the ballpark.

So, with this in mind, our dog dump ignorant Governor tweeted this in the seventh inning when the Astros were four runs ahead.

It ain’t over until it’s over, Governor.

And if one of our pitchers has a no-hitter going in the eighth inning, somebody tape that jerk’s mouth shut.

I knew it had to be Greg Abbott’s fault.  I knew it.

by Primo Encarnación

Lost in a lot of the noise this month was the 20^th anniversary of the end of a criminal case which is one of the many cultural touchstones we collect through time: The OJ Verdict.  I was walking thru a JC Penney’s north of Chicago when buzz that the verdict was in ran thru the store, and we all crowded around the TV department to watch it.

Here are just some of the issues involved in that case: domestic abuse by a football player; racist cops; mishandling of key evidence; celebrity murder; cameras in courtrooms; tabloid cash hurting key testimony; Greta van Sustern; prosecutors overwhelmed by high-priced defense attorneys; Kardashians; planted evidence; Mark Furhman; minority justice vs white justice; rich justice vs poor justice; the Trial of the Century.

How far we’ve come, eh?

by Primo Encarnación

The hamlet of Bohner’s Lake, WI pronounced exactly like you think it should be pronounced, is part of the Town of Burlington, WI, not to be confused with the City of Burlington, WI, all of which occupy roughly the same space on the map not too far from the world famous Mars Cheese Castle.

Granny heard a noise.  Granny got her gun.  Granny dropped her gun.  And, as Uncle Jimmy “Barstool” Grobnik would say, Granny became shot.  In the belly.  Racine County Sheriff’s folk are not sure exactly what she heard, but they’re fairly certain alcohol and drugs were involved.

Go Granny!  Go Granny!  Go Granny, go!

h/t Claudia: thanks for the heads up!

by Primo Encarnación

The Astros are one win away from being four wins away from losing to my beloved Cubs in the World Series.  So our peerless leader, Juanita Jean, is at the ballgame.  As she tossed me the keys, she said “Primo, honey, tell them folks I have not one flip left to give about them OR their hair.  But they’re welcome to come in and jaw and have free coffee and donuts.”  However, the keys she left did NOT include that of the cashbox.  So all the free coffee and donuts are whatever y’all bring in with you.

Fun fact:  the Houston Astros debuted as the Colt .45s in 1962, the same year that both The Jetsons and I debuted, as well.   Three years later: “Is that a decimal point?  Are they spelling their name with a decimal point?  There’s no decimal points in baseball!”  (Said by an owner, not a statistician.) And so they changed the name to that of the Jetson’s dog.

And here they are, a mere 29 years old, about to eliminate the Royals and move on to the NLCS.  Ruh-roh!

Update: Rastros are in the doghouse, Rorge, blowing a 4-run lead LATE in the game. Has Steve Bartman become an Astros fan?

I love the University of Texas.  Not only did they beat OU and bring home the Red River trophy, but they also made news in an even more important way.

Hundreds of students at the University of Texas at Austin will protest a new law that will allow more guns on campus not with signs or sit-ins, but by “strapping gigantic swinging dildos to our backpacks.”

Their mantra? #CocksNotGlocks

Yep.  The Texas Damn Legislature made a law saying that students can carry guns on campus at Texas universities.

UT students (most of them, unlike the legislature, have triple digit IQs) will start protesting the law when it goes into effect in August of next year.

They even have a Facebook page where you can see our best and brightest have fun with this and the knuckle draggers throw fourth grade hissy fit.

So we here at the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. are going to come with a list of …

The Ways a Dildo is Better Than a Gun.

1. People are rarely killed while cleaning their dildos.

2. Using a dildo in a robbery might work as well as a gun.  “Open the cash register and I’ll use this” might invoke an open cash register.  You never know.

3. You still have to hide a dildo from your mother and your children so that one is a draw.

4. Like guns, comparing size would still be a thing.

5. You look almost as dumb waving around a dildo as you do with a gun.

6. Dildos come in delightful colors.  At least that’s what I am told.

7. Think of the money you’ll save on ammo.

Ok, Guys.  Ready, set, go.  (Keep it clean! We’re going for laughs, not gross outs.)

8.

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Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Texas Congressvarmint Louie Gohmert says he’s a Baptist deacon and does not imbibe in alcohol.

Let me show you why I doubt that.

During the Planned Parenthood hearing, Gohmert could not for the life of him remember where he was.  He, who is not on the Benghazi Committee, felt it was important to try to connect Planned Parenthood to Benghazi.

Click here for the C-Span show and then move the little dot at the bottom to 02.21.21

You will hear Louie pitch a walleyed snot-nosed hissy damn fit with words that don’t make sense.  He’s either drunk or insane.  Pick one.

You had people meeting here in America, in Washington, while people were dying! While Ty Woods was gathering David Ubben and Glen Doherty and going to the rooftop to man guns to try to protect the people in those facilities. Yes, Benghazi was about politics! And I would love to know what the president was doing that night. … Apparently there was plenty of rest before he went to the fundraiser in Las Vegas the next day. Yes, my colleague is right: Benghazi was about politics! And we need to get to the bottom of why those four people were killed, while nobody in Washington that knew what was going on lifted a finger!

You’ll be able to see little spittle things forming at the corner of his mouth.  And brains leaking out his ear.

Thanks to Mazie for the heads up.