Ted Cruz says he has bygawd absolute proof that there’s no war on women.

The condom machine in men’s bathrooms.  There ya go.

No, seriously, he said that.  He says there’s no war on women because anybody can get birth control.

“The last I checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America,” the GOP presidential candidate said during a town hall here, responding to a question about the availability of contraception to women who want it.

“Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom. You’d put 50 cents in and voila!” added Texas’ junior senator, who attended Princeton University and Harvard Law School. “So yes, anyone who wants contraceptives can access them, but it is an utterly made-up, nonsense issue.”

You’ve come a long way, Baby, but ya need to back up a little and let men be in charge of your birth control.

So settle down, little missy, your man will take care of you.  And if he doesn’t, sneak into the the men’s bathroom, buy a condom and put it over his damn head.

Do you want to know what is the outrageously most unbelievable about this?  That Ted Cruz needed a condom in college.

Thanks to Elizabeth for the heads up.

Bobby Abtahi, a Dallas attorney who is also the vice-chair of the City Plan Commission, got his butt thrown off a Virgin Airlines flight because the captain and crew didn’t feel comfortable with him on the flight.

He’s Iranian. Oh crap, face it, he’s brown.

Abtahi said that he was boarding a flight from New York’s La Guardia to Dallas when a gate agent pulled him aside and said the crew did not feel comfortable having him on the flight. When he asked why, the gate agent said it was the captain’s decision and went to speak with him.

When she returned, she told him he wouldn’t be allowed on the flight because he had walked in front of a flight attendant walking in the terminal doors, Abtahi said.

Abtahi says that he did have a five day beard because he’d been on vacation on a beach.  But to assume that everyone who walks in front of a flight attendant gets thrown off a flight is a tad – just a tad – unfreekinbelieveable.

He got a flight with American Airlines without a problem.

Virgin Airlines has apologized and called it “a misunderstanding.”  They gave him his money back and some free flights, you know, that he can get thrown off of in the future.

Thanks to Another Susan for the heads up.

Aladamnbama is Texas with six more rebel flags and two extra adult bookstores.

Alan Harper is an Alabama Republican state representative with fifty or sixty fewer IQ points than the rest of the state.

He took to Facebook and posted this warning for all you Christian God Fearing Americans.

I mean, I’m certainly no writing professional, but wouldn’t it have been easier to say only buy from white people?

I like that he’s aware that he’s “painting with a broad brush,” because I’m aware that he’s “acting like a damn fool” and exhibiting “narrow-mindedness with a small brush.”

This dude is so narrow-minded that he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Here’s some extra commentary that Harper kindly provided.

Harper later responded to a commenter’s questions about how you would know where to shop with this advice: “Look behind the cash register. Most are owner/operators.”

So, we are looking for brown people with Christmas lights. Damn.  That means I gotta quit buying gas at Lopez’s Gas and Tacos where the motto is, “Buy the tacos, you’ll get the gas.”

One question: Can I buy gas from a brown person if they don’t have Christmas lights? Are the lights the secret signal among brown people?  If so, Holy Crap! my whole neighborhood is Isis.

Thanks to Rufus Firefly for the heads up.

A gun store in Oklahoma named “Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear,” didn’t exactly meet up to standards this weekend.

The store has a No Muslims Allowed policy but apparently no policy against shooting yourself.

But one man at Save Yourself could not save himself from himself. His Colt .45 revolver fell out of his holster and discharged, hitting him in the wrist, the Tulsa World reported.

Muskogee County Sheriff Charles Pearson has not been real impressed with the volunteer security guards at the store who think that Muskogee, Oklahoma, is next on the Isis attack agenda.

Pearson expressed concern about how some of the guards were handling their weapons. “I saw several of those gentlemen out there yesterday,” Pearson said. “The way they were holding their weapons, with the fingers on the triggers, you can tell a couple of these gentlemen have no idea about weapons safety. It’s like the Clampetts have come to town.”

No, I disagree.  Ellie Mae was a whole lot smarter than these guys.

And this, my friends, is how the terrorists win.

A new Republican has entered the Presidential race, filed paperwork at the FEC, and should fit right in.

Momma, do not click this link.  Do not, Momma, and I mean it this time.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

by Primo Encarnación

You know those unsolicited newsletters you get from people you no longer know going on about what a wonderful year they had, how marvelous their kids are, and Merry Christmas, your life sucks next to mine?

I used to think the only things worse than those were the ones that say how horrible their year was, how all their kids are sick, or in jail, and Happy New Year, maybe I won’t kill myself in 2016.

I was wrong: THIS is worser, still.

Only a flying egomaniac covering up a deep sense of inadequacy like Ben Carson is would commission a special lithograph especially for you, so that he can show how special it is to him that you think he is special. Unfortunately, it’s not true to life… you can actually see his eyeballs, which seem to follow you, even into your dreams.

Mental Ben: the comically creepy gift of the season.