Juanita thinks that Republican elected officials have cornered the market on all the fun.

“Governor Jim Gibbons of Nevada is having so much fun that he forgets who he’s doing the wild thing with currently and or even that she’s standing right beside him,” Juanita reports.  “So, he has to admit he lied on camera about taking the current Miss Cutie Pie on official state trips with him.  The current Miss Cutie Pie had to hide in an airport bathroom while all this was going on.”

“Now, Honey, I ain’t no Oprah, but I think that if your boyfriend leaves you to fend for yourself in an airport bathroom and refers to you as his ‘security’, you need a new boyfriend.”

Mark another one in the “Got It” column under Juanita’s name.

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Juanita has two questions:

1.  Given the size of Dick Cheney’s heart, how could an attack be anything but mild?

2.  Shouldn’t they have taken him to Big Bubba’s Transmission and Fender Repair instead of a hospital?  Isn’t Big Bubba more likely to have the proper equipment?

Just asking?

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I’ve heard Ron Paul speak more times that I care to admit.  So has Juanita.

“He’s missing a rudder or something,” Juanita opines.  “He starts off sounding like a normal human person, but then he wanders off into very strange lonely places.  He starts saying stuff like ‘no taxes, freedom, hate the IRS, it’s MY money, personal freedom, group freedom, pickle relish, your granny’s undies, trig function, War of 1812, soft socks…..’ and all the teabaggers in the room think to themselves, ‘he’s not nuts; he’s just deep and smarter than me’ because they are accustomed to being the dumbest person in the room.”

“So, anyway, Ron Paul has a personal grudge.  He’s riled up and hacked off.  He has found a new enemy of America, and thank God it ain’t me,” she says with tremendous relief.

“Ron Paul is furious at Woodrow Wilson.   You know, the dead guy.  I mean, if I have to pick somebody to be mad at, it’s gonna be a dead guy,” Juanita assures us.  “I’ve got to go with him on that one.  I mean, what dead guy is gonna be able to argue with you?”

While nearly every speaker at this week’s Conservative Political Action Conference has railed against President Barack Obama, Rep. Ron Paul saved his heavy fire for another Democratic president: Woodrow Wilson.

Yes, Wilson, who left the White House in 1921 and died in 1924.

The Gulf Coast congressman, famous as an anti-government icon, raked Wilson over the coals for pursuing the League of Nations, promoting fiscal irresponsibility and attacking personal freedoms. He charged that Wilson’s failures are playing a strong role in many of America’s current problems, and he even stoked the crowd when they starting booing Wilson’s name.

Juanita just wanted y’all to know about this in case Ron Paul’s people start showing up at rallys with pictures of Woodrow Wilson with a little Hitler mustache and you have absolutely no idea what that means.  Not that you would understand anything at all at a teabagger rally anyway, because they’re talking about soft socks and pickle relish and the rest of us have moved on to this century and reality.

Verdelia says she thinks everything is Plato’s fault.  “He made thinkin’ popular and look where that’s got us,” she says.

She does have a point, you know.

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Juanita enjoys watching Republicans.  “I enjoy watching people so filled with outrage over every darn thing that they have to make appointments to find time to pray in public,” she begins.

She thinks she might enjoy voting the GOP primary this year because they have propositions on their ballot.  She is flat out shocked, shocked I tell you, that some Republican woman hasn’t pitched a fit about the use of the word “proposition” what with it being kinda sexual and all, and made them change it to “Things That Make Barack Obama Unhappy.”

You can see a sample GOP primary ballot by clicking here.  It’ll open in the pdf thingy.

They have 5 propositions.

The first one is that you have to have a picture ID to vote.  That wouldn’t be dripping with irony except that your two affirmative choices for your vote are YES and SI.  “I hope they don’t mean a driver’s license because I don’t look a thing like the picture on my driver’s license.  I just have to take the Texas Department of Transportation’s word on it that I looked like that,” Juanita frets.

“The second one is that all – and they do mean all – government spending is limited to a formula that it takes Chinese algebra to figure out.  It says that you can arrive at a number by adding inflation and population growth and dammit you can’t spend more than that.  Not even if there’s a war, which is kinda how we got here in the first place,” she rolls her eyes.  “Yeah, find something that doesn’t work, boys, and then just keep on doing it!”

“The third one is about cutting income tax,” she grins.  “You’re stingy.  We get it.”

“Then after all that stingy and mean in the first three, they decided to hurry up and say something about God.  I do not think God appreciates this as much as Republicans suspect,” Juanita affirms.  “They say we should have public acknowledgment of God and the ten commandments.  I swear they do this to hide being stingy and mean.  Our local Republicans have their Christmas party at a damn bank.  That’s just kinda weird to me.  It kinda shows who you’re worshiping.”

“And, finally,” she smiles, “the last one is sliding in on the God high.  They want to force women to have sonograms prior to abortions.  They want the government out of their wallet and into my womb.”

“To tell you the truth,” she says as she puts the finishing hair spray on Betty’s hair, “just knowing there are people out there who think those issues are the most important things in the world amused me to such an extent that it literally improves my spiritual net worth.”

Well, Juanita’s a big fan of a new PAC called Political Hatchet Job Veterans for Truth. “Bob Perry doesn’t give us any money, which is the nicest thing I can say about our PAC,” she explains.

But, Bob Perry is back in the business of trying to buy a President. Let’s see, Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Tom DeLay’s defense fund, the Economic Freedom Fund, and just about every hateful robo call ever made was funded by Perry. He’s no kin to Rick Perry, the Governor, except that they both think God speaks to them personally and gives them permission to look down on all the rest of us.

Last week, there was a mysterious anonymous $100,000 check delivered to the Aladamnbama GOP by Minnesooota Governor and truly disturbed man, Tim Pawlenty.

And sure enough, Pawlenty has now confirmed that it was indeed Perry. “The donor’s name was Bob Perry and he was somebody I was visiting in Texas on behalf of the Republican Governors Association and he noted that I was going to Alabama and asked if I would bring them a check so I said I would,” Pawlenty said today, reports the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

I have no idea what Bob Perry’s dream of world domination means except that we’ll all be living in his claptrap houses naming our kids Doylene and worshipping some freaky mean God.

Thanks to Deb for this —

“Look, I’m not saying that that Rick Perry supporters are among the goofiest people on earth — no, no, wait a minute.  That is what I’m saying.  It’s exactly what I’m saying.  Goofy.  They have got a screw loose in their thinking assembly,” Juanita says.

“Honey, they say a closed mind gathers no new ideas.  These people prove that.  They are so narrow minded that they can see though a keyhole with both eyes.”