UPDATED FOR SPELLING CORRECTION: Cheeto Jesus has been Tweet Storming this morning, starting early.  Here’s one of his latest missives that I screen shot:

It’s unprecedented, genius.  If only he could be un-presidented.

Unbelievably, it’s still up on Twitter if you want to have a look before his minder wakes up and deletes it (no, I’m not going to link it for you).

UPDATE: CJ’s minder got up late this morning and has corrected the spelling.  Dammit.

¡Buenos días!

I am happy to join Juanita Jean and her other Pals to Participate in Professional Political Punditry to Perpetrate Perpetual Prickly Publishing.  Having just joined, I thought I would use a few lines to introduce myself to you.  After a long career of pulling wrenches, brewing beer, baking bread, and cleaning windows, I started my punditry avocation about 10 years ago by ranting and raving on the internets about the sorry state of politics in the good ol’ US of A, and especially in Texas.  I started my ranting after the 2004 elections, raved through the 2008 cycle, which was bruising, and then continued, though not as publicly, to talk about holding politicians accountable to their obligations to the people as elected officials.  I have been dismayed at the failure of party politics, that apparently only exist (with a few notable exceptions) to benefit those in office.

Today, I live just up the road from the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon and visit often, ranting and raving at Juanita Jean (especially since last Tuesday). After patiently listening to my hair-on-fire raging, recently Juanita finally said, “Don’t just tell it to me, tell it to everybody else.”  I thought, OK; so here we are.  In the coming days/weeks/whenever Juanita kicks me out, I’ll be sharing my thoughts as an independent thinker/screamer.  I’ll be talking about social justice, the fossilization of political parties, gerrymandering, the media, healthcare policy, education, energy policy, head in the sand environmental and climate change policy, the cancer of money in politics, and any other damn thing that pops into my head.  Thank you, Juanita Jean, for letting me talk to (yell at) your loyal customers.

To get us going, I’ve posted below a little about me personally.  See you shortly when I pull out the flamethrower.

EL JEFE El Jefe met Juanita Jean some years ago when he opened El Jefe’s Beer, Bread, and Pickle Emporium just up the road from the World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon. He savors anything made with his home grown yeast, but especially those things that go well with his South Texas Pucker Up & Slap Yo’ Knee Bread n’ Butter pickles, made especial for the Holidays and coming soon to an HEB near you.

A native Texan, El Jefe is proud to be the great-great grandson of Napoleon Bonaparte Fisher who joined the Texas Rangers in 1860. He was born in North Texas to a jen-u-wine Bible-thumping praise and glory preacher and to the daughter of a jen-u-wine Bible-thumping praise and glory preacher, receiving more Bible & ear lobe thumping before he was 6 than most are privileged to get in a lifetime. Because of his pure and crystal-clear upraising, he now practices his own spiritual tradition of worshiping every Sunday at Our Lady of the Perpetual Bloody Mary & New York Times. He was elected Deacon of the parish many years ago.

El Jefe rants regularly on social media, and is an equal opportunity insulter of all proclivities. He’s sure he’ll insult you, too, and likes to proclaim that he’s old enough to not care about what you think of him or his hand crafted pointy toed roach killer boots made way-the-hell-out-there in Fredericksburg just for him.

So there.

o

Juanita feels the same way about racists as she does about guns – “I want to know who is carrying so I can avoid them.”  That’s her theory.

“I do not believe in concealed handguns,” she says.  “I think you ought to have to carry them on your hip in a holster in full view of everybody.  That way, I know who’s carrying, so when seven dudes with itchy trigger fingers who are just flirting with being on the nightly news for having shot some guy robbing the Stop-N-Shop are looking over my shoulder and across the room at each other while I pick up some milk and a lottery ticket, I know to either get my shotgun to put an end to the crossfire or leave the store.”

“I feel the same way about racists,” she continues.

“Back after the Presidential election, we hung an Obama banner here at the Beauty Salon on Inaugural Day.  A neighbor, who we only knew in passing, drove his pick-up to the salon and starting hollering the N word about our Presidential choice.  Until that moment, we had no idea what a total creep this guy was.  This really did happen.  And while Verdelia called the police, I chased him with a can of Aqua-Net and a curling iron intent on either doing his hair or ridding him of the problem.  Okay, so I really didn’t chase him, but it makes a good story.”

“I feel the same way about the Stars and Bars.  I think we should let people fly it.  If somebody is flying the Stars and Bars in Texas, where we truly don’t identify with the South very much because we’ve got Sam Houston and the Alamo and Juan Seguin and all, then you know they are a racist.  I want to know where they’re at.”

“I don’t want to sit next to one at the ballpark, pray next to one at church, or accidentally elect one to the school board or even the Senate in Missouri,” she says.

As the election draws closer, a local candidate is creating quite a name for himself.

Glenn Miller’s message is described as shocking, and horrifying.

Over the coming months he says it will be a reoccurring theme, as tries to grab a seat in the nation’s capital.

“It’s important that i provoke people,” Miller said. “I do that deliberately.”

Bashful is not a word typically used to describe the Lawrence County man.

The white supremacist has argued his values for 40 years. Now he’s trying to push his beliefs to Washington D.C. “I’m running for the Untied States Senate as a write in candidate. I’m going to do my best to win it.”

Thanks to a new radio ad, Miller’s message has been clear.

“You don’t care do you whitey,” Miller questions the public during his ad. “All you care about is satisfying your belly pocketbook and genitals and watching the coons play ball on television.”

He’s running the controversial political spots on Springfield radio stations.

“See, I think it’s better that we listen to a load of crap like that and get it right out there in the open,” she contends.  “You know as well as I do that Sarah Palin and her Teabaggers  feel that way but don’t say it on the electric radio so everybody will know it.   They talk that way behind closed doors.”

“I think we should get it out in the open where we can wave at it on the way to the voting booth.”

Juanita said that; she really did.

o

Juanita has an new thought in the “Don’t Make Me Slap Some Sense Into You, Honey” catagory.

We heard today that health insurance premiums will have a “shocking” increase.

“This shocking increase isn’t unique,” said the report, being presented by Secretary Kathleen Sebelius at a news conference Thursday. “Across the country, families have seen their premiums skyrocket in recent years, and experts predict these increases will continue.”

“One time Thelma asked me what I’d buy if I won the Texas Lottery,” Juanita recalls.  “I hadn’t pondered on it much because I figure the lottery is the Olympics for people who are really bad at math.”

“But, I thought about it and decided that if I won the lottery, I’d buy a congressman.  Heck, if it was a big one, I could probably buy 2 or 3,” she figures.  “Then I’d get me some legislation that says everybody has to get a weekly haircut.  But only from people who went to Miss Juanita’s House of Fabulous Beauty College and Notary Public School.  Then I’d open me that school.”

“Either that or I’d have my appendix out.  Cost about the same.”

.

Juanita has recently been informed that President Barack Obama has told Democratic lawmakers that they need to get out of the echo chamber.  Then he got specific —

President Obama had some advice for Democratic senators at a conference in D.C. today: stop watching TV and reading blogs.

He added, however, that it is fine to go to Juanita’s to get your hair cut.

Juanita is just sure of that.  “This is not a blog,” she insists.  “I am horribly unqualified to be a blogger.”

And she likes how President Obama is anxious and willing to do more of those Q and A’s with Republicans.  The Republicans, however, not so much.

In the “I Don’t Trust Air I Can See” Department, we have this report —

Children in Texas are more likely to miss school when certain types of air pollution increase — even when the levels are below the limit set by the federal government, a new study says.

The research also shows that absences decrease significantly when pollution decreases.

The study is unusual because it tracks the impact on a large group: 39 of the biggest school districts in Texas, including Dallas and Fort Worth. In El Paso, which has some of the state’s worst air pollution, the reduction in carbon monoxide levels resulted in a 0.8 percent decrease in the rate of absences.

Now, I can’t wait for the pollution deniers to bounce out with a new ad that says kids don’t need air anyway. It’s haze they need.
The idiot train is always full.