Those of you on political email lists already know that July 31st was a big deadline for campaign contributions.

Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen has been snooping through those campaign reports and has found some very interesting things.  I’ll tell you about them as he finds them.

First I will tell you about the one that bowled me flat over on my butt.

Why the fool tarnation would Ted Cruz’s official super PAC give Carly Fiorina’s super PAC half a million dollars?

Fiorina is polling at 1.2%, so it’s not like she’s a hot item right now.  So why would Ted Cruz give one of his opponents half a million dollars?

Hummm …. maybe because she’s the only hooter toter in the race and the GOP needs a woman to be the attack dog on Hillary Clinton?

Oh hell, yes.

So, every time Florin attacks Hillary, there needs to be a sound clip at the end that says, “This message is paid for by Ted Cruz, the creepy man who walked around the Harvard co-ed dorm in a paisley silk housecoat.”

And this just goes to show that Republicans can’t find a woman who refuses to be their paid hooker delivery system.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Okay, here was the plan:

1.  Get somebody to write a book for you.

2.  Buy up copies of the book very strategically with your campaign account or with SuperPac money an store them in somebody’s garage.  The goal is to buy enough copies that you …

3.  Get on the New York Times bestseller list.

It worked for Sarah Palin.  Once.  Then the New York Times caught on.

The New York Times informed HarperCollins this week that it will not include Ted Cruz’s new biography on its forthcoming bestsellers list, despite the fact that the book has sold more copies in its first week than all but two of the Times’ bestselling titles, the On Media blog has learned.

Cruz’s “A Time For Truth,” published on June 30, sold 11,854 copies in its first week, according to Nielsen Bookscan’s hardcover sale numbers. That’s more than 18 of the 20 titles that will appear on the bestseller list for the week ending July 4.

Cruz whined and asked why, oh why, can’t I be a famous author.  They answered, and just so you know this is not a liberal conspiracy …

“In the case of this book, the overwhelming preponderance of evidence was that sales were limited to strategic bulk purchases,” she wrote.

The title of Cruz’s book is A Time For Truth.  Obviously that time is not right now.

Thanks to Patty and Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Okay, a really delightful phenomenon has happened.

My Tell Juanita has skyrocketed due to the presidential race. So, I am going to take this time to let you know that I just don’t have time to personally answer each one of them, which really grates against my upbringing.  Momma wants me to say that I wasn’t raised that way. Southern women spend half their lives writing thank you notes.

Whether or not I use your tip depends mainly on whim. Something might hit me as funny on one day but not another. So, don’t get your feelings hurt. Sometimes I just file your heads-up and then a week or two later, go back and do something with it.

The really fun part of this is that I can forget about going to the news every morning because you guys have that covered.

For example, Lorrine asked, “Now, I know you heard Macy’s Dumped Trump, right? Can’t wait to read your take on it.”

Oh hell, I didn’t know that.  Now I do.

And Jorge felt sure I knew about Ted Cruz auditioning for The Simpsons. I didn’t. I do now.

But I am not sure I wanted to.

So, consider this a thank you and an I’m sorry all in one.  Thank you for sending them and I’m sorry I can’t use all of them.

Meanwhile, go on back and watch Ted.  I think the guy has a bright future in fictional characters.

Okay, so Ted Cruz went on the Sean Hannity radio show and the two of them produced richter scale waves of nausea.

They also kinda overreacted.

“Today is some of the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history,” Cruz said on Sean Hannity’s radio show. “Yesterday and today were both naked and shameless judicial activism.”

Hannity agreed, saying, “I couldn’t say it more eloquently.”

Bad grammar aside, that’s just nuts.  I can think of many darker times in our history.  Disco Fever for one.  The invention of parallel parking – there’s another dark day.  How about that whole Burt Reynolds bare butt naked in Cosmopolitan?  New Coke?  Top hats, who the hell ever thought that looked good?  I mean the list goes on and on.

Some of the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history?  How can that be?  There were so many rainbows.

But there’s one thing that’s right.  Sean Hannity could not be eloquent.  Ever.  I mean, that man makes drunk Sarah Palin seems eloquent.

Holy cow, y’all, the combination of testosterone and Aqua Velva causes a chemical reaction that will melt down sanity.

Okay, a while back I told you about the guy who formed a super pac named “Jews for Cruz.”

Well, the FEC told him that he couldn’t use Cruz’s name because Cruz had already announced for president.  You can only use a candidate’s names before they announce.

So, he changed the name of the PAC today —

I’m proud to be an American.

Thanks to Alfredo over at the Dairy Queen for the heads up.

Remember several years ago when Sarah Palin was doing an interview on teevee and some guy right behind her was slaughtering turkeys in a mess of blood, feather, and squawks?

The first rule in politics is always look to see what’s behind you before the camera comes on.  Big time politicians have advance people who do that for a living.  I know.  I have worked with them to arrange American flags or bunches of little children behind the candidate before the candidate even arrives.

Ted Cruz’s advance team had one job and …

Now let me tell you why this would never happen to Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, or Martin O’Malley.  They would never the hell speak to a room full of people who view handguns as art.

The rightwing is outraged, outraged I tell you, that the Associated Press would use this picture.  Ted Cruz chose the backdrop of his picture.  Ted Cruz is the one who chose to tell gun jokes immediately after the horror of Charleston.  Ted Cruz made is bed and now he want to sleep in mine.

Ted Cruz wanted guns in the background and he got guns in the background.  So, the rightwing needs to shut the hell up.

Thank you for the giggles.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.